Couch 176: The happy cake couch

I am getting slightly obsessed with eating fruit with salt -- melons with salt, fresh figs with salt.

Actually fresh figs any which way.

While also wondering as to how I've managed to walk the earth for so long without knowing the heaven that is a fresh fig. Sigh.

I'm really struggling with processing my session today. It was really intense. In fact, T even once commented on the fact that he can "be pretty intense." In the past, he'd said "You affect me, LT." Today he went with, "I'm not immune to you, LT." As in, stuff I say has an impact on him. And he's trying to make me understand how people on the "outside" might react to me. But, as I said today, it's not like I'd tell my friend, "So I looked at a photo of you to feel more connected to you."

At the end, he asked if I thought I could "handle" him. Because he's so honest and gives so much feedback, but he said he's tried to adjust that for me, because I can react so strongly. I said I thought so, how I feel maybe it's more what I need right now, like if it brings out emotions like shame, that's stuff I need to explore. Like maybe it was too safe with ex-MC just accepting everything

It just felt so intense, more, I don't know, "real" than I'm used to having in therapy. Like in some ways, it felt like transference and countertransference flying around the room. But maybe I need more, uh, "real-ness" vs. ex-MC saying everything is OK (which, as T said today, isn't realistic).

Or just stuff them with goat cheese and wrap in prosciutto

This sounds incredibly difficult to balance.

I don’t know if this will help, but I used to want reassurance all the time, not from T since this was before I ever went to therapy, until one day it just clicked that I’m done needing it and would much prefer honesty. But to get there, I tried making a habit of asking myself first if I want reassurance or honesty before asking someone a question or invite someone to comment on something. If I was asking for reassurance, then I just didn’t ask at all. If I wanted honesty, then I asked because I was prepared for whatever answer the other person gave.

And I have been using it a lot I’m therapy. When I ask him something, I tell him if I am looking for a reassuring answer or an honest answer. He obliges. After a while, I would ask again and my need for honestly slowly outweighs my need for reassurance. My T is patient though and has learned that this is my process.

I don’t know if that makes any sense, but maybe preempting it like that will help, if he’s up to it?

In any case, I’m sorry. This must feel very daunting

Guess I know what I’m having for dinner tomorrow

I expect honesty from my T 100% of the time. She knows this. That's why when I asked her if she loves me, she said no. But she's not blunt. She explains things before stating the issue. And I ask for reassurance all the time from T, but again, I expect 100% honesty.

I am getting slightly obsessed with eating fruit with salt -- melons with salt, fresh figs with salt.

Actually fresh figs any which way.

While also wondering as to how I've managed to walk the earth for so long without knowing the heaven that is a fresh fig. Sigh.

Up your game: hibiscus salt. Or chocolate salt. You're welcome.

Guess I know what I’m having for dinner tomorrow

How do coddled eggs compare to poached? They sound similar.

Figs are delicious. I grew up eating salt on apples, watermelon, grapefruit, etc. I did not realize not everyone did it.

This sounds incredibly difficult to balance.

I don’t know if this will help, but I used to want reassurance all the time, not from T since this was before I ever went to therapy, until one day it just clicked that I’m done needing it and would much prefer honesty. But to get there, I tried making a habit of asking myself first if I want reassurance or honesty before asking someone a question or invite someone to comment on something. If I was asking for reassurance, then I just didn’t ask at all. If I wanted honesty, then I asked because I was prepared for whatever answer the other person gave.

And I have been using it a lot I’m therapy. When I ask him something, I tell him if I am looking for a reassuring answer or an honest answer. He obliges. After a while, I would ask again and my need for honestly slowly outweighs my need for reassurance. My T is patient though and has learned that this is my process.

I don’t know if that makes any sense, but maybe preempting it like that will help, if he’s up to it?

In any case, I’m sorry. This must feel very daunting

I went for a long walk with the kids' dad yesterday, my preferred way to have conversations with him because I can keep moving. I just can't even process some of the things he said to me, including, "I miss the way things were before."

When he said that I had to stop walking for a minute because I couldn't breathe.
There's just such a disjoint there. What the hell? It's like he remembers a completely different marriage. Or doesn't remember. Does he really not understand what he's saying to me when he says that?

I'm really struggling with processing my session today. It was really intense. In fact, T even once commented on the fact that he can "be pretty intense." In the past, he'd said "You affect me, LT." Today he went with, "I'm not immune to you, LT." As in, stuff I say has an impact on him. And he's trying to make me understand how people on the "outside" might react to me. But, as I said today, it's not like I'd tell my friend, "So I looked at a photo of you to feel more connected to you."

At the end, he asked if I thought I could "handle" him. Because he's so honest and gives so much feedback, but he said he's tried to adjust that for me, because I can react so strongly. I said I thought so, how I feel maybe it's more what I need right now, like if it brings out emotions like shame, that's stuff I need to explore. Like maybe it was too safe with ex-MC just accepting everything

It just felt so intense, more, I don't know, "real" than I'm used to having in therapy. Like in some ways, it felt like transference and countertransference flying around the room. But maybe I need more, uh, "real-ness" vs. ex-MC saying everything is OK (which, as T said today, isn't realistic).

"The squeaky wheel gets the canola oil!"

I think coddled go in a container and poached don’t?

I think that's pretty much it, except with coddled eggs you can add other ingredients to the coddler--like cheese, bits of cooked bacon/ham, jalapeno peppers.

Sorry, I meant like consistency/texture wise. I read you butter the inside of the coddler and add cream, so I think that would change the texture and flavor plus any other bits you throw in.