[Lrad123]

I’m estranged from my mother and have been struggling with this for the past year which happens to be about the time I met my T. As it turns out, when I first met my T, I found a picture of him on his sister’s FB page hugging his mom and sister with the caption, “Happy Mother’s Day to a mom who continues to give.” I recently chose to tell him that I’d found this picture and I commented to my T on the contrast between his relationship with his mother and my relationship with mine, and he replied that pictures don’t tell the full story which I completely get. He told me he had had similar difficulties with his mom and needed to have a conversation with her about boundaries, etc. Honestly when he was telling me this story I think I was only half listening because I was nervous about his reaction to my finding the photo (he ended up being super welcoming about it). I’ll have to ask him to repeat the story, but the bottom line is that over the past year while I was telling him about all the difficulties in my relationship with my mom, he may have had a similar experience and chose not to tell me about it in any way. Not even a little hint that he could personally relate to what I was going through. I know that he’s not obligated to share his personal life with me, but I’m wondering if in a way it was dishonest of him to only disclose this story after I found the picture of his mom. He really didn’t have to disclose it at all even after I told him about the picture, but that’s when he chose to tell me about his relationship with his mom. Otherwise he never would have told me. It just seems like it would have been relevant given my situation and could have helped me feel more connected to him. Is this dishonest or inauthentic of him? I’m just not sure what to think.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

I don’t think it’s inauthentic or dishonest. He was likely focusing on you and your story until you brought his relationship with his mom into the picture by bringing up the picture and the idea of the contrast, which introduced that additional element into the conversation.

[seeker33]

I think it's not dishonest, either. I personally would like to hear about his experience, so I fully understand how you feel. Hearing it would make it easier for you to talk.

However at the same time in my opinion he was being professional. Maybe his own experience still hurts him, maybe it was about boundaries or maybe he didn't want it to be about him. Perhaps if he began thinking about himself, maybe he would project some of his feelings on you...
So in the end I'd say he probably had a good reason not to disclose until you came up with this.

[Ididitmyway]

I don't see anything dishonest about it. He isn't just not obligated to tell you about his personal life. He is also discouraged from doing so by the professional ethical standards unless he believes that the disclosure would benefit the client. I understand that you believe that his earlier disclosure would've helped you, but he didn't believe so and, frankly, I don't believe so either. You don't really know how his earlier disclosure would've affected you in the long term. Yes, it might've helped you momentarily to know that he could relate to your experiences somewhat (I am not sure how much though because even though he's had problems with his mom he is not estranged from her like you are from your mother). But, such disclosure might've also confused you about the nature of your relationship with him and might've fed your need to know more about him ..and then more and more. It was appropriate for him to self-disclose when he did because you admitted to the fact that you found his family photo and because you assumed incorrectly that he had no problems with his mother. His brief disclosure was organic at the moment and, therefore, appropriate. But he was right not to disclose this before. That would've served no therapeutic purpose.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I don't see anything dishonest about it. He isn't just not obligated to tell you about his personal life. He is also discouraged from doing so by the professional ethical standards unless he believes that the disclosure would benefit the client. I understand that you believe that his earlier disclosure would've helped you, but he didn't believe so and, frankly, I don't believe so either. You don't really know how his earlier disclosure would've affected you in the long term. Yes, it might've helped you momentarily to know that he could relate to your experiences somewhat (I am not sure how much though because even though he's had problems with his mom he is not estranged from her like you are from your mother). But, such disclosure might've also confused you about the nature of your relationship with him and might've fed your need to know more about him ..and then more and more. It was appropriate for him to self-disclose when he did because you admitted to the fact that you found his family photo and because you assumed incorrectly that he had no problems with his mother. His brief disclosure was organic at the moment and, therefore, appropriate. But he was right not to disclose this before. That would've served no therapeutic purpose.

I agree with this. My first therapist would self-disclose whenever he had similar issues to those I described and I experienced it as invalidating, confusing and, to be honest, competitive. Sometimes his story would be 'worse' than mine and I would feel shut down. I think your therapist has handled it really well.

I really relate to this frustration, but unfortunately I think it’s just part of therapy. They’re not supposed to tell you much about themselves. With my therapist, I would sometimes try to prompt things I knew she could relate to, but she (usually) wouldn’t budge.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

I agree with this. My first therapist would self-disclose whenever he had similar issues to those I described and I experienced it as invalidating, confusing and, to be honest, competitive. Sometimes his story would be 'worse' than mine and I would feel shut down. I think your therapist has handled it really well.

I agree that your therapist seems to have handled it well. I also get that if his self-disclosure helped you feel connected and understood it makes sense that you'd have liked it to come earlier on.

I also had a T who self-disclosed all the time and it was a disaster. I also often felt that she was one-upping me:

"Your mom just died? So sad and painful. I get it. My mom died too only I was much younger than you and left with no one to take care of me."

"You were assaulted? That's an awful experience. I get it. I was also assaulted. Repeatedly. By a close family member. As a child."

Self disclosure. IMHO a thing to be deployed infrequently, with great discretion, for clear, client-centred reasons.

[Lrad123]

Thanks for the responses. They are really helpful. I guess I still get confused sometimes about the nature of the therapeutic relationship. Any other person in my life (friend, coworker, even a hairdresser) might have shared their story earlier on. I understand my T and I are not friends, but I think I crave more connectedness with him and don’t know how to get it or make it last. If anyone has a recipe for that, I’d love to hear it.

[JaneTennison1]

The thing with therapy is it is not a conversation. You dont disclose and then they disclose about their issues
It is meant to be about you and helping you. It sounds like he disclosed where he thought it would help but kept quiet where he thought you would need to talk.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree that he was being professional and keeping the focus on you. My T and I both have a child on the autism spectrum. The only reason I know about his son is because my EX-T told me when I let her know I was switching to him for a bit. Which...she really shouldn't have done. It was about a month before I even told T that I knew that because I started feeling awkward talking about things with my D, and T would seem really knowledgeable about fidget toys. T was not too happy that ex-T had said anything--he was of course fine that I told him that I knew. I asked him a single question that he answered--his son's age (he also showed me the picture on his desk). In some ways, I want to know more about his son, like whether he's higher-functioning like my D or lower-functioning. But then I realize that could affect how I talk to him about stuff and would keep the focus from being on me. So I think to myself "he understands from experience" but think it's better to just not know more than that.

Like a couple others on here, I had a T (ex-marriage counselor) who way overdisclosed, and I think it was detrimental to our therapy and greatly intensified my transference for him. I don't think T's should be completely blank slate either, but I think they should think carefully about what they share. I suspect your T didn't want to influence what you were discussing and your own emotional reaction, so he tried to keep his experience out of it. If it's still bothering you, I'd talk to him about your feelings.

[Anne2.0]

I think a therapist who is in-the-moment will consider whether any self disclosure would be helpful at that specific time. Rightly or wrongly-- and I always think it's easy to Monday morning quarterback any human interaction-- he did not at the previous time but did this time. To me it makes sense that he might have held off the first time and mentioned it this other time, because it is so true about the Facebook Lives that people live, and that pictures often tell a different story. Consider the news this past week of a man in Colorado who admitted killing his wife and probably killed his two little kids. Her Facebook feed was full of laudatory statements and happy happy pictures, and look how it turned out.

To me it seems like a better self disclosure in the context of the picture. He didn't *need* to tell you then but he did. I consider anyone's self disclosure pretty precious, especially when they are attempting to empathize with me. I didn't purposefully set out to have a therapist who engages in a lot of self disclosure, but it does make me feel more understood when he relates it as a version of what I am going through. A self disclosure feels like a small gift from the heart-- not just from him but for all the people in my life. That people are willing to be intimate and say what's true for them, I love that in real life and I appreciate it in therapy.

I think there's a stereotype on this board that a T's self disclosure is "making it all about them" but I have never experienced that. It is a kind of intimacy that, when it happens in my therapy, is not only helpful for me but also encourages me to disclosure more to the people I trust outside of therapy. What makes a relationship satisfying to me is that both people feel comfortable telling their stories. Disclosures by T in therapy have opened me up to others to do the same.

[stopdog]

I believe that therapists are, by the very nature of their profession and training, dishonest and inauthentic. I also don't think it matters.
With self disclosure, I never thought it was them making therapy about them, but I never understood the point of it unless it was their off-the-mark attempt to get me to bond to them. I did not care what they did in their own lives or what their opinion on any thing was and never saw how it had anything to do with what I hired them for.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

A self disclosure feels like a small gift from the heart-- not just from him but for all the people in my life. That people are willing to be intimate and say what's true for them, I love that in real life and I appreciate it in therapy.

I just love this statement. I appreciate hearing about the downsides of T’s who disclose too much and I’m glad I don’t have that, but I also long for the intimacy that comes from a little bit of disclosure now and then both from T and from others in my life. I’m also aware that this is not how my T practices and that makes me a little sad. He has said a few times that he doesn’t want to disclose too much for fear of “disorganizing” me. I’m not really even sure what that means, but it feels a bit like an excuse. I don’t think I’m all that fragile. I have definitely felt more connected the few times he has disclosed a bit.

[BudFox]

I dont see the point in assuming that whatever a therapist pulls out of their a*s is automatically good for the client (such a patronizing and disempowering concept) and has some logical basis. Makes just as much sense to assume his disclosure was abritrary or self-serving.

If therapist disclosures, or lack of, cause greater distress, then that is a failure and they should not be given an automatic pass on the basis that it's part of some grand plan for the hapless client.

Also I think if the relationship is so ambiguous and confusing that one must constantly question what is normal or healthy, that is a problem.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Also I think if the relationship is so ambiguous and confusing that one must constantly question what is normal or healthy, that is a problem.

as seen on these forums often, it's all too easy for clients to distract from the real issues that brought them to therapy and get caught up into this trap of over analysing and dissecting every little interaction in and outside of the therapeutic relationship, which, as you pointed out, clearly is a product of the ambiguity of the relationship and therapy itself. i too got caught into this trap and all it did was make my symptoms worse and had me doubting my own sanity at times. it wasn't until i could truely recognise and acknowledge just how unhealthy the relationship was that i was able to work towards breaking free from it.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

I agree with this. My first therapist would self-disclose whenever he had similar issues to those I described and I experienced it as invalidating, confusing and, to be honest, competitive. Sometimes his story would be 'worse' than mine and I would feel shut down. I think your therapist has handled it really well.

I had something similar in my therapy. My last therapist enjoyed self-disclosure. He didn't do it excessively, but I could see that he loved taking opportunities to self-disclose to show me that he could "relate". I never needed to know if he could relate. I would've felt well understood if he could just listen with a genuine interest to what I had to say, which he did sometimes but not as often as I needed him to. It didn't feel competitive to me whenever he self-disclosed, but it did feel like an act of self-indulgence on his part and also a boundary crossing because I didn't ask for it, I didn't need to know if he could relate. It felt like he was forcing a communication style that was more suitable for friendship than a professional relationship.