[susannahsays]

I think I am at a turning point re:therapy. I feel like I am going to crack at any moment. My mind is stretched taut like a drum. I need to relieve the tension somehow, but I'm not sure what to do. My nearly overwhelming instinct is to flee somehow. However, I'm not certain that my simply not talking to the therapist anymore would be sufficient. Things have been dredged up, and I'm not stupid enough to think that they will go away now just because the therapist does. Also, I don't think I could be a passive bystander to therapy again like I once was, allowing C to attend and not caring to interfere with the process. With Mushy Gushy, I was content to stay silent, except for the couple of times we talked briefly. But this therapist says things that I can't seem to keep myself from responding to.

I don't see a way out of this predicament. I wish I had left therapy to C.

There is an appointment with the therapist in 1.25 hours. If there was ever a time I wanted to no-show, it is now. However, I really have a problem with no-showing on principle, so I would not do that. C wanted to go today, but she's having some issues and isn't around. I could let E go, but she has a big mouth and it's her fault I texted the therapist the information I did (that makes me want to never see her again) last Friday. She said it was how I could make it up to her for something bad I did. So maybe I need to go and do damage control or something. I just feel really... I don't even know. Angry! No... sick and scared. I feel like I can't face the therapist. I don't want her looking at me, either.

But back to the turning point. Something's gotta give. In a perfect world, I could delete everything the therapist knows about me from her mind. That would make me feel better and safe again. Since I can't do that, what do I do? How can I escape everything that therapy has dredged up? How can I make sure that I am never vulnerable when she knows sensitive stuff about me? A little part of me wants to see what happens if I try being honest for a change, instead of avoiding, demurring, omitting, and otherwise doing my best to obscure my history and my feelings. But then most of me thinks that it's absolutely nuts to do any such thing and I must be bonkers to think that's a good idea. I shouldn't give the therapist even more ammo she can use against me.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I think I am at a turning point re:therapy. I feel like I am going to crack at any moment. My mind is stretched taut like a drum. I need to relieve the tension somehow, but I'm not sure what to do. My nearly overwhelming instinct is to flee somehow. However, I'm not certain that my simply not talking to the therapist anymore would be sufficient. Things have been dredged up, and I'm not stupid enough to think that they will go away now just because the therapist does. Also, I don't think I could be a passive bystander to therapy again like I once was, allowing C to attend and not caring to interfere with the process. With Mushy Gushy, I was content to stay silent, except for the couple of times we talked briefly. But this therapist says things that I can't seem to keep myself from responding to.

I don't see a way out of this predicament. I wish I had left therapy to C.

There is an appointment with the therapist in 1.25 hours. If there was ever a time I wanted to no-show, it is now. However, I really have a problem with no-showing on principle, so I would not do that. C wanted to go today, but she's having some issues and isn't around. I could let E go, but she has a big mouth and it's her fault I texted the therapist the information I did (that makes me want to never see her again) last Friday. She said it was how I could make it up to her for something bad I did. So maybe I need to go and do damage control or something. I just feel really... I don't even know. Angry! No... sick and scared. I feel like I can't face the therapist. I don't want her looking at me, either.

But back to the turning point. Something's gotta give. In a perfect world, I could delete everything the therapist knows about me from her mind. That would make me feel better and safe again. Since I can't do that, what do I do? How can I escape everything that therapy has dredged up? How can I make sure that I am never vulnerable when she knows sensitive stuff about me? A little part of me wants to see what happens if I try being honest for a change, instead of avoiding, demurring, omitting, and otherwise doing my best to obscure my history and my feelings. But then most of me thinks that it's absolutely nuts to do any such thing and I must be bonkers to think that's a good idea. I shouldn't give the therapist even more ammo she can use against me.

This sounds like a very painful position to be in. I'm sorry things feel so tense right now. I'm not really sure there is a way to not be vulnerable when someone knows us and knows sensitive stuff about us. We aren't robots, we can't just put on all this armor and not feel...although that would be nice sometimes. It sounds like this upcoming appointment is giving you a lot of anxiety. Do you know any breathing exercises that you can do in the meantime? Sometimes that helps me to calm down. I think its courageous that you are thinking about being honest instead of obscuring, avoiding etc. That is a very hard thing to do. I hope that this appointment goes well. I'm concerned that you feel that you are giving the therapist ammo that she can use against you. Therapy shouldn't in my opinion be very antagonistic. But I don't know enough about your situation to say what is going on. I hope you can get through this okay and have a good session and have some of the tension be released.

Sounds rough, susanna, good luck in your appointment

[susannahsays]

Thank you for the support, slumberkitty and whispershadow. I appreciate it.

I went to the appointment. I angled my body away from the therapist and pointed it towards the door so I could escape really quickly. Much good it did me.

Turns out she hadn't understood the text I'd sent on Friday. That made the whole situation even worse because that meant I had to explain it to her. I was so miserable. I managed to spend the whole session in agony, unable to make myself say what needed to be said. Then, right near the end, I asked if I could just say it quickly and leave. She said yes. I did so, though I was unable to make the words come out very fast. The therapist asked if we could talk about it more next session, but I was freaking out and ready to bolt. I said I didn't know and I needed to go. I was about to open the door, but she got up and stopped me. She said some stuff that I only vaguely remember. I think it was supposed to reassure me. Then I fled.

Later that night, I texted her that I don't think I should come anymore, but was clear that I wasn't terminating for C and wouldn't prevent her from coming if she wanted. The therapist responded this morning that she hopes I come back and we didn't have time to talk about what I had told her (which is good imo!).

[SlumberKitty]

It sounds like the session didn't go that well, but I'm really encouraged by your T's response and how she hopes you come back and is open to continue to talk about the text. That sounds like a good response to me. I hope you feel okay today. (((HUGS)))

From this thread, it sounds like you feel that therapy may not be entirely useless for you? Or at least you have some level of desire to stay, even if it is not positive but quite ambivalent? From your posts on this forum, you most definitely don't sound like someone who only looks at things superficially and from one angle in spite of C and whoever else is involved. I have no experience with what you seem to be dealing with but I imagine perhaps I would ask, what would be the risks, what sorts of things would be against doing more of this therapy, other than discomfort? Given that right now it sounds like it's hard to predict potential benefits for you.

[here today]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

. . . A little part of me wants to see what happens if I try being honest for a change, instead of avoiding, demurring, omitting, and otherwise doing my best to obscure my history and my feelings. But then most of me thinks that it's absolutely nuts to do any such thing and I must be bonkers to think that's a good idea. I shouldn't give the therapist even more ammo she can use against me.

I tried honesty too much -- attempted honesty to a fault, a "good girl". And I did get hurt (lots) in the process.

But I didn't have access to the reservations about the downside and risks of honesty that you do.

I'm currently working (on my own, no therapist help, thank you) on trying to achieve some balance between curiosity and caution, etc.

So far, this therapist doesn't sound so bad to me. Maybe there can be some benefit to you to continuing to talk with her? To see what happens, if nothing else? What are the real, current risks to you, especially with regard to the things that have been revealed?

[Amyjay]

SusannaSays, I admire you, you are brave. This stuff is hard. It's pretty **** too a lot of the time.
I think there is a point where you can't pretend stuff isn't known or stuff didn't happen anymore. A point where you just can't go back to how it was before. I personally have been there with myself and my own others. Its a hard place to be in, because you kind of have an inkling of what's up ahead and you just don't want it. Like, you really, really just don't want that. But at the same time you just can't go backwards, you can't not know it anymore. And there are no other options.

You are brave. This is hard stuff.

[CantExplain]

Sounds like you could be close to a breakthrough.
Therapy often has a series of narrow gaps that you have to (painfully) squeeze yourself into if you want to come out the other side.

[susannahsays]

Risks... well, part of me just has a very primal aversion to talking about my own history, or worse, my feelings. The aversion definitely extends beyond discomfort. I don't know how to describe it... feels like an existential threat. I am also worried that going through this will reduce my functioning. I am horrified at the prospect of being reduced to a pile of feelings that are unbearable and that I have done a good job keeping contained. I feel like therapy will weaken me so that I might shatter, and not be able to fit the pieces back together again.

In a way, I feel that therapy has already broken me because it has eroded my defenses. I'm not sure how this happened, it was all very insidious. Being in therapy for me is like watching some horrific disaster unfold. Something draws me to keep going even though I feel threatened and things just seem to get worse and worse.

I want the old me back. I didn't have the problems I'm having now, and that was good. Yeah, old me isn't perfect. Old me maybe isn't even happy. But I was more confident in myself and felt in control of my life.

Yet there is an appointment this afternoon, and I find myself tempted to go. I must be a masochist.

[SlumberKitty]

I hope your appointment goes well today.

[susannahsays]

My appointment was horrible and I wish I was dead.

[here today]

I am so horribly sorry. What did the therapist do? Sounds like maybe she's not a very good therapist. There are lots of them around.

Maybe the kind of therapist you could benefit from isn't the same as what C and the other one you mentioned need. That would sure suck.

[susannahsays]

The therapist didn't do anything. I just hated talking about stuff and now I can't stop blubbering like a big baby.