[MRT6211]

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted...
Back in July, my T that I was incredibly close and attached to suddenly told me that she got promoted and then left a few weeks later. She had repeatedly said that she would not leave me in the preceding months, when I expressed worry that it would happen because every year in the summer, my T leaves me, usually suddenly, or I have to leave them. My first ever T did this, when she suddenly told me during my last appointment of the semester (I was in college) that she wouldn’t be back the next semester. Then I had a new T I adored my senior year of undergrad, and I had to leave her that summer as I was moving on to medical school. Then there was the T I saw my first year of med school, who left me after a year. At least she let me know a couple of months ahead of time. But at that point I was in and out of the hospital, so I barely got to see her at all before she left (a blessing in hindsight, she was a terrible therapist). And then there was S...she helped me come back from my suicide attempt and get back into med school a year later. She changed my life. She SAVED my life. She helped me more than all of the other Ts combined. And then she left me. She always would say I was being ridiculous and that she had been there for 13 years already and wasn’t going anywhere, when I would say “it’s that time of year when my therapist leaves me...” 4 successive years of difficult partings with Ts. This one was by far the worst.
Luckily, I can still email with S. I think I email her too much. Multiple times a week usually. I won’t talk to my new therapist about anything real, only S. I mask everything and pretend I’m fine. I don’t have any desire to be close to the new T at all. I want her to remain at a distance. I honestly don’t even want to do therapy anymore. But I am trying to take care of myself and so (I write journals to my Ts every day) I told new T in my journals that I was feeling like this and like I can’t connect with her. She thanked me for being honest over email, we talked a little over the phone, and now I’m writing this because it’s 5am, I haven’t slept a wink, and I have an appointment in 5 hours with her. I think that’s why I haven’t slept. I don’t want to face her. I want to ghost on this appointment so badly. I don’t want there to be any type of emotional discussion between us because I get way too easily attached to Ts and this would just open the door to that.
So here I sit...writing this because I just had 3 successive panic attacks due to thoughts about S leaving me. I remember her telling me she was leaving so vividly. I can’t get that session out of my head. Every time I think about it, I relive the moment she told me and have that same panic attack. The thought of getting close to a new T, especially one I know I will only be seeing for less than a year, seems awful. Like the worst idea possible. I cannot go through the pain of losing a therapist like this again. I had abandonment issues going into therapy and now they’re so much worse. I want to quit therapy but I know I shouldn’t. How can I ever get over this, though? How can I ever trust the word of another therapist again? I don’t think I can. I guess therapy now just has to be very superficial for me.
Is it possible that therapy, even though it has helped me in a lot of ways, has been a double-edged sword, and actually served to make my abandonment issues way worse? Can therapy traumatize you? That’s what I feel like happened. Which confuses my brain. S helped (and still does help) me so much, yet she hurt me so much, too...
Sorry for ranting...my brain is spinning...

[nottrustin]

Oh MRT I wish I had answers for you. Our stories are really different but I can relate to feeling abandoned by a T and then being afraid to get the lose again. Hugs.

[wheeler]

Any chance of seeing someone that is not tied to your school?

[here today]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

. . .I cannot go through the pain of losing a therapist like this again. I had abandonment issues going into therapy and now they’re so much worse. I want to quit therapy but I know I shouldn’t. How can I ever get over this, though? How can I ever trust the word of another therapist again? I don’t think I can. I guess therapy now just has to be very superficial for me.
Is it possible that therapy, even though it has helped me in a lot of ways, has been a double-edged sword, and actually served to make my abandonment issues way worse? Can therapy traumatize you? That’s what I feel like happened. Which confuses my brain. S helped (and still does help) me so much, yet she hurt me so much, too...
Sorry for ranting...my brain is spinning...

I experienced rejection/abandonment trauma from my last T -- AND I believe that it triggered (unfelt, unprocessed) feelings of rejection from my family of origin, which I have processed somewhat with time (2 years) and the support and non-rejection of this forum, and some in-person support groups. The in-person groups have helped in that I don't feel rejected by those people, although I am on the constant lookout (but maybe that's OK, I can pick up if I'm annoying them in some way). PC has helped in that I feel much freer to express myself here, it's been great to read other people's stories and input.

I've also interviewed several therapists, looking for various of ways to get some support for myself without "therapy" exactly. I can now feel the damage the original abandonments caused. That's probably positive in that it can allow for some processing. But I'm doing that on my own now. I don't trust another T.

So, sounds to me like if you've gotten to the "core" of your issues, then . . .that's the positive side of the double edged sword. In my experience, therapy wasn't able to provide more than that. Which is really, really tough if the core, and the person who has that core, is like 3 years old. :-( But therapists are NOT substitute parents.

I'm convinced there needs to be a lot more provided to help us "grow ourselves up". I've looked and looked, tried a bunch of stuff. There's nothing that I can see out there yet that's really focused on what I feel is needed.

But everybody is different. We have to find our own way. AND we need people, and support, and the things that abandonment -- either current time or long ago -- take away.

My 2 cents, anyway.

[Anne2.0]

I don't see a therapist leaving a job as abandonment per se, compared to forced termination or ghosting. What I see as the problem is that your therapists have apparently promised something they couldn't deliver, or you heard it that way. When I've asked my T if he is retiring (he's in his late 60's), he says "I have no plans to retire in the future, but as we know, the future is difficult to predict."

But the fact is that the future is hard to predict, and no therapist should promise to be around forever, if indeed that is what they have said as opposed to what they meant. If I promised someone not to abandon them, like my child, it means (and I've said this) that I will not do something deliberately such as kick him out of the house, refuse to support him emotionally (if not physically) no matter what circumstances he finds himself in, even if I disapprove; or otherwise cut off contact and ghost him. I have said that there may be limits to my desire for contact or support depending on the circumstances (he'll be of legal age soon); he knows that some of my relationships have ended or been limited with certain people in my family-friend network because of mean or exploitive behavior. I don't say things that sound like threats, like if you ever hit me or steal from me, you're outta here. We have a pretty strong and tight relationship and feel those kinds of things are unlikely to happen, but again, can't predict the future.

What I would not see as abandonment is if I decide to move after he leaves for college, if I refuse to let him live in the basement until he's 30, if I refuse to be exploited because of something he wants to do (like be a y o u tube star).

I guess I would wonder, in your shoes, if you are over-interpreting promises of non-abandonment as more than they mean. Otherwise, I don't think T's should make such promises because things can change in an instant with a positive pregnancy test, a need to move because of partner or family relationships, job changes (and T's do a lot of them, IME, moving from community centers to practice groups to private practice and around within each of these choices). No T can promise your insurance will cover them in perpetuity, nor can they promise they won't get sick or die. Nor can they promise they won't quit because they think the therapy is not working.

All they can promise is they will do their best to help you during the time you both agree to work together, and that they will have at least some discussion about the future of your work together. But-- as said in the workplace law-- therapy is an at-will relationships, where it can only proceed if both people want to, and either side can quit at any time. No guarantees, whether you call it abandonment or anything else.

[nottrustin]

When I've asked my T if he is retiring (he's in his late 60's), he says "I have no plans to retire in the future, but as we know, the future is difficult to predict."

This is I think the crux of it. T use to tell me she didn't plan on going anywhere she planned to work until she was 80. If for some reason she decided to retire or stop working, I would be one of the first to know and I would have lots of notice. I know she had every intention of keeping that promise. Who would have thought her life would end so tragically at 68.

[stopdog]

The second one I hired retired very suddenly due to her husband becoming quite ill. She offered references, but I don't find therapy useful enough to bother with it again.

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by wheeler

Any chance of seeing someone that is not tied to your school?

The T I’m seeing now and S are both not at school. They’re at an outpatient treatment program/center run by another hospital. The one I saw at my
Own med school was the one that was awful. Never again lol.

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I don't see a therapist leaving a job as abandonment per se, compared to forced termination or ghosting. What I see as the problem is that your therapists have apparently promised something they couldn't deliver, or you heard it that way. When I've asked my T if he is retiring (he's in his late 60's), he says "I have no plans to retire in the future, but as we know, the future is difficult to predict."

But the fact is that the future is hard to predict, and no therapist should promise to be around forever, if indeed that is what they have said as opposed to what they meant. If I promised someone not to abandon them, like my child, it means (and I've said this) that I will not do something deliberately such as kick him out of the house, refuse to support him emotionally (if not physically) no matter what circumstances he finds himself in, even if I disapprove; or otherwise cut off contact and ghost him. I have said that there may be limits to my desire for contact or support depending on the circumstances (he'll be of legal age soon); he knows that some of my relationships have ended or been limited with certain people in my family-friend network because of mean or exploitive behavior. I don't say things that sound like threats, like if you ever hit me or steal from me, you're outta here. We have a pretty strong and tight relationship and feel those kinds of things are unlikely to happen, but again, can't predict the future.

What I would not see as abandonment is if I decide to move after he leaves for college, if I refuse to let him live in the basement until he's 30, if I refuse to be exploited because of something he wants to do (like be a y o u tube star).

I guess I would wonder, in your shoes, if you are over-interpreting promises of non-abandonment as more than they mean. Otherwise, I don't think T's should make such promises because things can change in an instant with a positive pregnancy test, a need to move because of partner or family relationships, job changes (and T's do a lot of them, IME, moving from community centers to practice groups to private practice and around within each of these choices). No T can promise your insurance will cover them in perpetuity, nor can they promise they won't get sick or die. Nor can they promise they won't quit because they think the therapy is not working.

All they can promise is they will do their best to help you during the time you both agree to work together, and that they will have at least some discussion about the future of your work together. But-- as said in the workplace law-- therapy is an at-will relationships, where it can only proceed if both people want to, and either side can quit at any time. No guarantees, whether you call it abandonment or anything else.

I agree that she definitely should’ve never said those things. But she did and I’m in pain now because of it. Idk how to deal with to. To me, this feels a lot like abandonment. Everyone always leaves me (yes, I realize that’s a cognitive distortion). I was finally feeling comfortable in life...now not so much...

[MRT6211]

I went to my session with the new T today and it went better than previous sessions but I started to feel a connection and now I’m scared. It was a light session, we kinda just talked about funny stories from our pasts...it was good because I knew nothing about new T, and that bothered me because I know so much about S. I don’t do well with the “blank slate” therapist approach.
The connection feels good in ways and feels like something I need, and then I remember how much it can hurt me and I start to panic. I want to keep distance so badly and I feel like she’s reeling me in. I know it’s purposeful.
The best thing she did/said today, though, was that she will give my negative behaviors very little attention, if any. A response to me writing about my urges to self-harm and self-destruct to get attention because I like negative attention, no doubt. I want to “test” her, but that’s my BPD/emotional mind talking, and I know it. I’m refraining from doing it. I keep telling myself that 1. It won’t fix anything, 2. It will likely make things worse, 3. It could jeopardize my future and a little bit of attention in the short run isn’t worth not fulfilling my dreams, 4. Falling apart isn’t an option, and just because life is rough/I have a lot of stressors right now and don’t have the therapist I want doesn’t mean I get to fall apart.
I’m starting to see the progress S helped me make in action, I think. I’m in distress, but I’m tolerating it...and that’s DBT I guess...

[SlumberKitty]

I'm glad your session with the T went well and that you are starting to feel connected even though its scary. It's hard to lose a T either because they quit or had to move or took another job or whatever. My former T got MS and had to stop practicing suddenly. Its been terribly difficult losing that support. I'm trying a new therapist so like you I know very little about her and I'm in the getting to know you stage. I too feel like I don't want to get connected (because I don't want to get hurt) but I know that for me it works better if I am connected. I'm glad that you are able to see some of the progress you made with S and are able to carry it forward. That's a good thing. Hang in there okay?

My first therapist kept pro ising to never leave me. She kept promising she wasnt going anywhere. She knew my severe abandonment issues.
But one day out of the blue she told me she was done with me.
I still have NO idea what I did wrong.
I did everything she said. I followed all her recommendations and advice and was always cooperative.
My best guess is, she didnt feel qualified to help me.
But she made my abandonment issues way, way worse and caused many problems for about nine years. So even though I did some good things with her, it felt like all that progress got wiped away when she abandoned me and I took a hundred steps backward and ended up with worse PTSD.