[starryprince]

Hello all. I'm in a bit of a predicament.

I've spoken on here about my therapist before and thanks a lot for bearing with me. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if all of my issues are just me but I do feel uncomfortable with this therapist. I've been feeling uncomfortable about a month after we started seeing each other. It's been 6 months and that feeling hasn't gone away. I think the problem is me.

I DO speak up. We've been butting heads for a while, but not a lot. I spoke on here about how we focused more on other people's feelings than my own when I've had disagreements with that person (I told her that felt invalidating and she said that wasn't her intention), and how she told me that I need to "pardon" my grandmother for her abusing (emotionally and sexually inappropriately) me as a child. She told me that she had a friend in the same situation and she told that friend, "You can't keep holding this over their [their perpetrator's] head." Then she told me, "I don't mean anything by that story. I'm just telling you about this situation with my friend." That made me feel a bit sad, and she said I have a short fuse when it comes to being disrespected. I...think anyone would?

I won't lie: I DO get frustrated when I step into her office and I'm careful with what I say because I don't want to be snappy because a few times I HAVE been snappy. I'm careful about what I say because I don't want to be disrespectful. I'm like that with everyone.

Today, we discussed my resistance towards discussing physical intimacy. She asked why, and I said that it could be because of my trauma, because of my conservative upbringing and because of my fear. I also said that I feel uncomfortable discussing physical intimacy with people older than me. She asked, "Are you uncomfortable because of you or me?" And I said, "You and me." And she said, "I think that's a cop out. I think it's just you." And I felt bad, you know? I even said that I felt bad and she asked why. And I said that I would have preferred a different word, like excuse or something. And she laughed it off. And that's how our session ended, so I feel a bit unbalanced right now (since it happened today).

I also needed a letter for my gender affirming top surgery consultation. That's why I'm there in the first place. She had 6 months to write the letter...only to start writing it a couple of days before my consultation and she told me that I didn't give her specific details. Some of the details she wanted were details I didn't even know I had to give. She asked me some of the details when we first met, and I told her. She asked some of those SAME exact details a WEEK after my consultation saying, "I need all of this to put in the letter. You didn't tell me those things before." I did, though...I don't understand why she didn't make a note of the answers when she asked me for those details in the very beginning, and why she waited a couple of days before my consultation to get the template for the letter and find out all of the new details. It's been a month since my consultation and I will be getting the letter next week.

I AM holding back, but I'm not ready to talk about my trauma in specific detail, and she wanted me to about a month or so ago. I'm not ready to talk about physical intimacy in specific detail. I told her, "It took me a couple of years to talk about this with my old therapist..." And she immediately cuts in and says, "I'm not her." And I said, "I know that, and that's exactly what I was going to say. But my point was that it took me a while to feel comfortable with her, and it'll take me a while to feel comfortable here."

Also, I came there to talk with a professional. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking more to a friend than a therapist, and I need that boundary line, you know? I'm thinking of telling her that but I don't want to come off as disrespectful.

I don't know. I feel like I'm the problem. I'm too sensitive and I feel like I'm being judged but maybe that's my issue I have to work on. I feel like I have to prove to her that I'm a good person, when I already believed I was before I started seeing her.

I know change is uncomfortable. I've experienced change and it wasn't easy, but when is uncomfortable considered a good or bad thing?

I know this was a lot, so thanks a lot for reading.

[Stone92]

That sounds so frustrating! She sounds a little... disrespectful to your time and feelings. I don't know, I would be uncomfortable with most of that too. It may be that she's not a good fit for you.

I can't tell you for sure whether this is a discomfort you should ride out, or if you should start seeking a new therapist. I think six months is too long to be uncomfortable with a therapist, but it can be hard to tell, especially if you open up to people very slowly.

I would worry less about being disrespectful. She is a professional, she can handle criticism. And it sounds like you need to bring up some of your discomforts with her and tell her how you're feeling. How she reacts to that will tell you a lot about the relationship.

I also needed a letter for my gender affirming top surgery consultation. That's why I'm there in the first place.

If you are there to secure a letter, you are not there for therapy, you are there for a letter. How honest have you been with her about your goal?

Her responses around childhood sexual abuse sound cruddy and I would not continue working with her for that reason alone. You certainly should not be feeling like you are the problem.

Perhaps as importantly, have you been able to effectively explore the issues around your gender identity with her? It doesn't sound like you would feel safe enough with her to dig into the difficult questions of perceived gender versus biological sex.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Stone92

That sounds so frustrating! She sounds a little... disrespectful to your time and feelings. I don't know, I would be uncomfortable with most of that too. It may be that she's not a good fit for you.

I also think she's disrespectful. I believe she's not a good fit for me. I need someone a bit gentler and she's rough around the edges. She even admitted it herself and I agreed with her. But she's still a bit rough. =/

I can't tell you for sure whether this is a discomfort you should ride out, or if you should start seeking a new therapist. I think six months is too long to be uncomfortable with a therapist, but it can be hard to tell, especially if you open up to people very slowly.

This is quite true. I do open up to people slowly, so that's why I've been giving her a chance. However, things seem like it's going downhill and I don't think I'm benefiting from it anymore.

I would worry less about being disrespectful. She is a professional, she can handle criticism. And it sounds like you need to bring up some of your discomforts with her and tell her how you're feeling. How she reacts to that will tell you a lot about the relationship.

That's true, as well. I brought up some of my discomforts, like the invalidation with that comment regarding my grandmother and focusing more on other people's feelings.

Thanks a lot for your help! I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

If you are there to secure a letter, you are not there for therapy, you are there for a letter. How honest have you been with her about your goal?

I'd say I've been honest since I kept asking her for the letter for the past couple of months. I thought I'd just be there for that, but it turned into other things, and I thought that would be cool but I made a mistake. =/ I will have to reiterate that I need the letter and then I'll be gone however I HAVE told her that once I get the letter I will move on to someone else.

Her responses around childhood sexual abuse sound cruddy and I would not continue working with her for that reason alone. You certainly should not be feeling like you are the problem.

I was afraid I was overreacting, so thanks for the validation. I appreciate that. I also thought her response was a red flag. =/

Perhaps as importantly, have you been able to effectively explore the issues around your gender identity with her? It doesn't sound like you would feel safe enough with her to dig into the difficult questions of perceived gender versus biological sex.

[B]I actually have been exploring my issues with her but I have to remember that, while it's simple for me to get my issues, it's not simple for her. So she asked questions in the beginning (pertaining to some of the details she needed) and I answered them openly. I actually don't feel bad discussing my gender identity, and in some cases I have to educate her on some stuff.

Thank you for asking good questions. It gave me some advice on how I can try to go about this.

[starfishing]

She sounds like an incompetent awful disaster. It's not you, it's her! And why on earth did she take six months to write a simple surgery letter? If the other info in your post hadn't made her incompetence obvious, that detail would have clinched it. Get the letter (hopefully she didn't screw it up, since she doesn't sound like she knows much of anything about trans people) and then find someone who isn't terrible.

A letter relating to someone seeking life-long elective surgery on their primary or secondary sexual characteristics in order to conform with society's standards around perceived gender is anything but simple. Six months is a drop in the ocean considering these immense issues.

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

A letter relating to someone seeking life-long elective surgery on their primary or secondary sexual characteristics in order to conform with society's standards around perceived gender is anything but simple. Six months is a drop in the ocean considering these immense issues.

1. Absolutely incorrect. A competent knowledgeable therapist can often write that letter after a single session.

2. Trans people's surgeries are medically necessary. Not elective. Unless you mean in the sense of not being an emergency surgery.

3. Trans people don't just have surgery in order to "conform with society's standards." I've heard many trans people talk about the fact that even if they lived on a deserted island with no other people or societal norms to conform to, they would still want and need surgery to treat their dysphoria.

[awkwardlyyours]

I personally also just find it really messed up that a shrink’s blessing is still needed for the surgery.

OP — I would be totally mercenary about it, play the game and say whatever you think will get you the letter, get the damn letter and then get a therapist who’s actually well, a therapist.

[starfishing]

Yes, good point. The letter shouldn't be needed at all, but as long as it is it should at least be written in a timely way without all this unnecessary dragging out.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by starfishing

She sounds like an incompetent awful disaster. It's not you, it's her! And why on earth did she take six months to write a simple surgery letter? If the other info in your post hadn't made her incompetence obvious, that detail would have clinched it. Get the letter (hopefully she didn't screw it up, since she doesn't sound like she knows much of anything about trans people) and then find someone who isn't terrible.

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

A letter relating to someone seeking life-long elective surgery on their primary or secondary sexual characteristics in order to conform with society's standards around perceived gender is anything but simple. Six months is a drop in the ocean considering these immense issues.

Originally Posted by starfishing

1. Absolutely incorrect. A competent knowledgeable therapist can often write that letter after a single session.

2. Trans people's surgeries are medically necessary. Not elective. Unless you mean in the sense of not being an emergency surgery.

3. Trans people don't just have surgery in order to "conform with society's standards." I've heard many trans people talk about the fact that even if they lived on a deserted island with no other people or societal norms to conform to, they would still want and need surgery to treat their dysphoria.

I specifically went to a program that specialized in giving people who were strained for time letters for their gender affirming surgeries. So, if my consultation date had stayed the same, I would have had the letter in one, at the most two, sessions. However, my consultation was pushed back 6 months. So yea, starfishing is accurate. A therapist whose trained in LGBTQIA issues should be able to write a letter in one or two sessions. However, I get why you would think it would take a long time, SorryNorma. I think many people think the same thing.

The funny thing is that this therapist was given to me because I was told that she was competent in LGBTQIA issues. =/

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I personally also just find it really messed up that a shrink’s blessing is still needed for the surgery.

OP — I would be totally mercenary about it, play the game and say whatever you think will get you the letter, get the damn letter and then get a therapist who’s actually well, a therapist.

I definitely get where you're coming from. And I have a friend who's trans and he also had a therapist who was incompetent, but he said that she got things done and she was able to write an excellent letter. I think he moved on to another therapist. But you're right. I'm there for the letter and once I have that letter in my hand and it's accurate, I'm gone.

Originally Posted by starfishing

Yes, good point. The letter shouldn't be needed at all, but as long as it is it should at least be written in a timely way without all this unnecessary dragging out.

I agree. It shouldn't be dragged out this long. I think she's done this on purpose. =/

You all have great points. You all made me remember that I have power in this situation. I have not felt like I was in control in my sessions. I even brought up the fact that it was too expensive and I wanted to come once every 2 weeks, to which she responded, "I'd rather you come every week." She doesn't really listen to me and she pushes.

So I'll be getting the letter next week and then I'll call up a few places that I've researched that take my insurance.