[MRT6211]

I’m feeling like I want and need attention from T...even though I just talked to her on the phone today...But I’m really sick right now and feeling really vulnerable and kinda just like a kid inside. Because I’m sick, I didn’t get to go into session in person. Phone sessions are never quite the same. Sometimes I prefer them because things are easier to talk about that way. I wanted to talk about something really hard for me today over the phone and she said no, we’ll save it for in person. I kinda just got whiny in return, which she wouldn’t acknowledge.

I don’t even know what attention it is that I feel like I need from her right now, I just feel like I NEED attention. So I’m having urges to do self-destructive things so that I can get that attention. But, I logically know that won’t do anything and she won’t even pay attention to that.

A lot of me is contemplating just emailing her something to the effect of: “I’m feeling upset and vulnerable and I don’t know why, but I feel like I really need attention. I don’t know what kind of attention/what that even means, I just know I feel like I need attention. I’m having urges to do self-destructive things to get that attention, but I figured emailing you would be a more effective choice. I wish I could tell you what I need, but I don’t know.”

I feel like it would be weird if I sent that, right? I’m not sure, honestly. I’m still fairly new to this therapist, I’ve been seeing her about 3 months now, although I was in group therapy with her before that. At first I was staying really detached but now I’m starting to feel that attachment and I’m scared. I’m becoming too dependent again...

[Amyjay]

I wonder what that feeling of the need for attention is masking? My first thought is that there is a feeling that is being avoided that would be calmed by "attention" (or self harm). The need to avoid that feeling is impelling you towards T, the attachment object. The intensity of your need for T's attention reflects the intensity of your avoidance of the emotion.

I wonder what the emotion is?

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I wonder what that feeling of the need for attention is masking? My first thought is that there is a feeling that is being avoided that would be calmed by "attention" (or self harm). The need to avoid that feeling is impelling you towards T, the attachment object. The intensity of your need for T's attention reflects the intensity of your avoidance of the emotion.

I wonder what the emotion is?

That’s an interesting theory. Perhaps I’m trying to avoid being vulnerable by seeking attention in negative ways? It’s a lot easier to get “in trouble” with her and deal with that, than to deal with these new attachment feelings that I didn’t want. I kinda am feeling like I just want someone to take care of me right now. I know she can’t do that, in reality. But emotionally, she’s the best I’ve got...And I don’t like that because I’m scared because my last T left me very suddenly after I got incredibly attached to her. So maybe it’s fear, as well? I want to act out right now so bad, so that she has to pay attention to me. I don’t get it. I only want negative attention. She praised me today and it didn’t feel good at all. But a couple of weeks ago when I was really acting out (or as she put it, throwing an adult version of a temper tantrum), she was very firm with me/lectured me for a bit about my behavior (which I’m okay with, that’s what I asked for when I started with her because it works for me). That made me feel good. I feel like my brain is all sorts of messed up.

[Amyjay]

Maybe that approach to attachment worked in childhood... children generally find the way to get the best care possible from the carers they have. The key word here is "possible". If you are feeling vulnerable, maybe you are drawn to reenact those behaviors that "secured attention from your attachment figures" in childhood.
Was negative attention the most reliable kind of attention you were given?

I think what you describe is very common. I would not call it child-like necessarily, adults also do all kinds of provocative/destructive things to get attention and communication, especially if reliable, positive feedback is not available. I just think that we first develop this early in childhood, then learn more productive and mature ways, but it never really disappears, probably just gets a bit more sophisticated and controlled.

The thing with Ts (or even just between adults in general) though is that this type of attention seeking can become very transparent very soon. Then they will stop feeding it which, IMO, is not a bad thing given that there is no way a T could consistently satisfy these needs. What I like to do when I find myself seeking attention in ways and in contexts where I could not realistically get it is to play it forward in my head and ask what exactly I imagine or wish to get out of it. What type of response, reaction, reinforcement. Would it truly help or be satisfying? I also do not think that impulses like that necessarily reflect attachment. Can be part of it, but it can also be just a desire to get instant gratification in whatever form we can get it. A good sign for the latter, for me, is how this type of attention seeking is not specific to a person - if I don't get it from one, I would be inclined to try with someone else, etc. So, for me, it is usually intrapersonal rather than interpersonal. A bit like OCD, when the urges and compulsion is a reaction to momentarily alleviate intense bouts of anxiety.

So maybe that's also a question to ask: is it an intrapersonal or interpersonal need? I think sometimes it is not easy to answer it.

[ElectricManatee]

I have sent my T somewhat similar emails, like to check in that she's still there when I'm struggling. She has never seemed to mind, and she always responds with something short but affirming. It feels good and isn't a big deal. Not sure if that's how your T operates, but it works for me.

[Anne2.0]

Good and thoughtful responses in this thread, I would echo the advice to reach out to your support network. I don't necessarily mean by calling everyone up and announcing "I need attention. Gimme some." I feel like I am often able to call or text someone in town and either ask them for coffee or whatever (something I do regularly with a number of people), no need to set up a context. But if I feel I need some contact right now, I'll call up someone and say I just need someone to listen to me.

Sometimes how you define a need shapes the way you feel about it. Calling it a need for "attention" seems to suggest it is an inappropriate need, whether from T or not. Are you often hard on yourself? If so, maybe this is a way to give yourself some slack, especially in the context of your T being away for so long. I could see why attention from her would feel pressing.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I have sent my T somewhat similar emails, like to check in that she's still there when I'm struggling. She has never seemed to mind, and she always responds with something short but affirming. It feels good and isn't a big deal. Not sure if that's how your T operates, but it works for me.

I agree with ElectricManatee. I've sent my former T emails saying I feel like doing SH but I'm talking to you instead. My T usually responded to those emails and was positive about it. I don't think it's wrong to recognize that you want attention and asking for the attention outright is better than going about it in negative ways in my opinion. Your T can help you walk through why you want attention.

[LabRat27]

I don't want to assume and I don't know if you'll relate to this at all or if you're describing something completely different, but I found it to be very true for myself regarding my desire for attention from my therapist and other "adult" figures in my life ("adult" as in older than me/not someone I consider a peer, not as in >18)
It helped me understand and put into words what I was experiencing and feel less ashamed and alone. It also helped me communicate with my therapist about the difference between what it feels like I want and what I actually need/what would be beneficial to me in the long run:

As best I can tell, these feelings are the result of experiencing a shortfall of “primal love,” that is, early, attuned, empathic attention from the primary caregiver. For different people it has different meanings, but it tends to be in the realm of the 24/7, total, unwavering devotion for which very young children experience an intense and very real need. The child has no doubt that the only possible solution to a shortfall is to get the grown up to take away the pain by fulfilling that need. This kind of loving connection is experienced as a life-and-death need, and when not met (or perceived as lacking), leaves a sense of something missing that must, somehow be fulfilled. If not that, then the child undertakes to satisfy the need with his or her own substitutes. This yearning can remain smoldering outside of consciousness for a lifetime. Therapy is like water to a dry seed. The yearning comes alive in the context of a relationship with someone who seems to understand and be willing to help.

This unconscious combination of unmet needs, angry feelings and the values that hold them in check, leads to a number of strategies for substituting for needs and soothing the distress. They may not fully blossom till the teens, when their power is discovered. Food, cutting, bulimia, all kinds of sexual acting out, drugs, gambling, are among the symptoms, as well as repeated, unsatisfying attempts to find comfort in relationships.

Children solve problems differently from grown ups. Their solution to any serious problem is to motivate the big person to solve the problem, meaning to take away the pain. Adults have a different approach. It is to analyze the problem and personally to take required steps to solve it in whatever way will work best. In the case of early life deprivation, the childlike solution is for the therapist to take away the pain by giving the love that was missing. On the other hand the adult therapeutic solution is to grieve what never will be and make peace with reality. This is obviously, not the answer a child would think of or accept.

In addition, thinking in terms of an inner child encourages compassion and understanding rather than judgment.

... These are tests, but there are two kinds, and it is not easy to tell the difference. One test is to see if the therapist’s boundaries are reliable. If the therapist bends his or her boundaries to accommodate, then the child concludes that the therapist can be coaxed into taking away the pain. From then on, all effort is put into getting the therapist to give more and to bend the boundary further. This kind of boundary failure is very hard to come back from.

source: Attachment to Therapist: A Primer

That is not to say that that applies to everyone, and the author wrote about other situations in which that kind of boundary flexibility could be a good thing. I just know that this is the case for me and knowing this helps me communicate about my wants vs needs with my therapist and makes not getting the extra attention that I crave feel less like rejection. And it also gives me some hope that I won't always have this painful unfulfilled longing.