[precaryous]

Have you discussed your personal boundaries in therapy?

Many of my therapists have brought up their own boundaries in therapy; office hours, contact outside of session, etc. But it wasn’t until after a very bad therapy experience that the subsequent therapist talked to me about setting my own personal boundaries.

I have been wondering why my previous therapists never brought up this issue?
I’m a long-standing ‘people-pleaser’ ...even to my detriment...so there has been no lacking of material.

I wish any of my previous therapists had talked about my boundaries sooner and am curious about how often other client’s therapists brought up client boundaries in therapy?

[Echos Myron redux]

I have set my own boundaries. Largely because of previous difficult experiences. The big one was that I would explicitly ask for a hug before any hug. Though that changed and we had a conversation about it when I was ready for us just to hug at the end of sessions without speaking first.

I didn't have any idea of what personal boundaries were whrn I begun therapy.
T actually respected my boundaries without me being aware of having.
By modelling her boundaries, I learnt what mine were.

[Fuzzybear]

I wish any of my previous therapists had talked about this too.. they haven’t, I also am a “people pleaser” It doesn’t seem too hard a concept .. for a therapist to help a client with this... But they have spoken about their own boundaries, and not in a helpful way at times. Or simply .. acted out.. grr.

[fille_folle]

No, I haven't. The only thing I can think of that kind of relates is that my T once asked me if it was ok if she checked in over the weekend. However, we don't really talk about her boundaries, either.

[TrailRunner14]

My counselor will make a suggestion or have an idea of an approach to take with dealing with something. He will tell me that I can say, “I think that’s a horrible idea.” Or “I don’t want to do that.”

I guess that’s a boundary? I’m still learning about boundaries.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Not explicitly. But we haven’t really explicitly discussed t’s boundaries either.

I appreciate the few times I’ve said, “I’m not really ready to talk about that,” she’s been respectful of those boundaries.

[saidso]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

My counselor will make a suggestion or have an idea of an approach to take with dealing with something. He will tell me that I can say, “I think that’s a horrible idea.” Or “I don’t want to do that.”

I guess that’s a boundary? I’m still learning about boundaries.

Oh, I love that suggestion!!! Good for him!

[stopdog]

The woman once said, unprovoked by anything that I can think of, that my boundaries were a lot tighter and firmer and more of them than were hers. I agreed and that was it.

I did not discuss too much, just acted them. I talked with them in sessions and emailed, that was it. One of the Ts called me on the phone without my asking for it and I did not like it, but I did not say. I should have said it. But I did tell him in the end that his emaling boundaries were very messy and confusing.

I did try to discuss boundaries with the 2nd T but he said that he thinks it is better not to put anything set in stone because that tends to just be invitation for breaking it. I never had any boundary issue with him.

[precaryous]

So far, it doesn’t seem common for therapists to bring up the client’s boundaries. It doesnt seem common for the subject of boundaries to come up much at all?

Now, looking back, I’m feeling a little angry that few of my previous therapists brought up the subject of boundaries, in general, or suggested that I might want to firm up my boundaries. It would have been helpful. I didn’t know it was something lacking or needing improvement from me.

Now I’m wondering if my ‘expectations’ are too high since it seems the subject doesn’t come up much at all in other people’s therapies?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Now I’m wondering if my ‘expectations’ are too high since it seems the subject doesn’t come up much at all in other people’s therapies?

When I read your post and replied, it didn’t really dawn on me that it wasn’t a topic that we actually discussed.

I appreciate you for posting this because it brought it to my attention that my counselor does respect my boundaries.

That’s something that I’ve never had or understood until I started working with him.

It’s pretty cool to realize it now and really appreciate it.

Thank you!

[starfishing]

Both my boundaries and my therapist's boundaries have mostly come up in an experiential way as the need arises, rather than being talked about preemptively. Mine have mostly been relevant in terms of what topics are in-bounds vs. off-limits, and it tends to be the therapist who brings up those observations--e.g. "It seems like this isn't something you want to talk about, and we don't have to if you don't want to." Sometimes followed up by something like "But if you were comfortable talking about it I think it would be interesting and useful to explore." One time we explicitly discussed in advance whether I'd be okay with him bringing a topic up in the next session if I didn't bring it up first. Otherwise, it's not something where I think the map of boundaries needs to be discussed until we run up against one of them. But then again, I'm a very strictly boundaried person in general, so I don't need any encouragement to hold my boundaries where I need them to be.

In general my current therapist is extremely respectful of my boundaries, which is (slightly paradoxically) very helpful in considering that when he pushes them he genuinely has a good reason for it.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Originally Posted by precaryous

So far, it doesn’t seem common for therapists to bring up the client’s boundaries. It doesnt seem common for the subject of boundaries to come up much at all?

Now, looking back, I’m feeling a little angry that few of my previous therapists brought up the subject of boundaries, in general, or suggested that I might want to firm up my boundaries. It would have been helpful. I didn’t know it was something lacking or needing improvement from me.

Now I’m wondering if my ‘expectations’ are too high since it seems the subject doesn’t come up much at all in other people’s therapies?

Oh, I see. I was thinking of discussing therapy boundaries in therapy with the therapist particularly.

The topic of boundaries in general comes up in one way or another in most sessions. Recognizing them, setting them, understanding them, feeling I have a right to set them... T even gave me a book to read a while back (which I hated).

[MRT6211]

More so talk about their boundaries. One therapist I had, the first “real” one, I guess you could say (I had a short term one before her), respected boundaries that I never explicitly talked about. She could tell I was uncomfortable about something I shared with her in my writing, and she told me she wouldn’t bring it up unless I did first. My next T crossed that boundary of mine with that subject, pushed me to talk about it, and damaged me pretty bad.

The current T I have respects some of my boundaries. I set a firm boundary that there were certain things I needed to tell her but that I didn’t want to talk about in person, only email, and she respected that. It was right when we first started, so that felt really assuring to me.

[healinginprogress]

Boundaries are a core part of my therapy. We spent several months talking about my boundaries, what they are, how to enforce them, how and/or when to change them, etc. I still struggle with them so it's an ongoing topics but not as out in the front anymore.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Now I’m wondering if my ‘expectations’ are too high since it seems the subject doesn’t come up much at all in other people’s therapies?

Maybe in part because many therapists don't want to encourage setting strong boundaries but use whatever emerges as therapy material. And/or they know that most likely they would not stick with the same boundaries forever, so better not to get there unless the client requires it. I most often don't set clearly spoken boundaries with people but address it if something makes it relevant and necessary.

I think my last T really avoided addressing boundary issues. He did not do anything intrusive, but was quite unhelpful when I had strong ambivalence around emailing, for example. Mostly just said it was okay. But when I ended therapy with him, he would still engage in emailing for quite a long time. Nothing excessive, and all of his responses were quite professional and short, but still. Then one day just stopped responding altogether, without ever discussing it. I could never clearly figure out what this was all about but I decided not to care because I think I could speculate forever. I did try to get him tell me how he perceived me in general, just before I stopped seeing him, and he refused even that direct inquiry. He advertises himself as a very interactive T, and he indeed was, I liked that about him for the most part but sometimes his self-disclosures and excuses got a bit too much. The most I can speculate is that he basically enjoys the interactions and stops when that is no longer the case, maybe.

Originally Posted by precaryous

So far, it doesn’t seem common for therapists to bring up the client’s boundaries. It doesnt seem common for the subject of boundaries to come up much at all?

Now, looking back, I’m feeling a little angry that few of my previous therapists brought up the subject of boundaries, in general, or suggested that I might want to firm up my boundaries. It would have been helpful. I didn’t know it was something lacking or needing improvement from me.

Now I’m wondering if my ‘expectations’ are too high since it seems the subject doesn’t come up much at all in other people’s therapies?

I don't feel I've made am issue about boundaries because A/ my T has never crossed any lines.
B/ I don't feel powerless so don't need to shout about them from the roof tops.
I feel confident within myself now enough to just trust that if something happened that I wasnt comfortable with, I'd say so. Plus. I don't see the value of being in therapy with a therapist that would cause me to have to tell them that something felt uncomfortable.
Don't forget. Some might say they wouldn't tolerate this or that. But could they carry that through? That's maybe where the emphasis comes from.

[Whalen84]

Originally Posted by Jessica11

I didn't have any idea of what personal boundaries were whrn I begun therapy.
T actually respected my boundaries without me being aware of having.
By modelling her boundaries, I learnt what mine were.

Thats awsome. Thats the way it should be.