[Cantfindthewords]

So I’ve had a really strange week. Huge highs and massive lows.
I reached out to my T a couple of times and T replied as usual.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve had for a long time. I emailed T to say I was having a tough day and wanted to know she was there. T replied with three lines, non personal, straight out of a training manual. I was gutted, T didn’t even sign off with her name. This led to me doing something I won’t mention as I don’t want to trigger. I then replied to T first thing this morning saying her email was **** and got a bit of a ****** email back to say they had just got of a flight and would email later. I was deverstated. T didn’t say she was away, I know she doesn’t have to say anything, but I feel massively guilty and hurt by it. I imagine her being really annoyed with me that I’m contacting her when she’s away.

I don’t know why it bothers me that she is in a different country (presumably) and I don’t know. I just hate the thought that she off doing something amazing and I pissed her off.

I hate myself. I hate how I feel. I just wanted a bit of affection and thought in her email, I’m asking too much aren’t I. 😔

[SlumberKitty]

It's hard when the email conversation doesn't match up to our needs. That's one of the limitations of email. I'm sorry you didn't get a helpful response when you needed it. I don't think your T can be upset with you for having contacted her when she's away when you didn't even know she was away. I don't think you are asking too much to have your needs met, just sometimes the other person can't deliver. I do hope you feel better soon.

Your post sums up why I hate email contact with my therapist. I wish I had never accepted her offer of email contact. It's fraught with boundary issues and the potential for being hurt or disappointed or angered is always so present.

The fact that she was on holiday is not for you to consider;it is her responsibility to tell you that she is not available for email contact. Not receiving the affection you craved when you reached out to her (and the ensuing feeling) is prime material for a session. Email contact is really hard because there is the possibility of the therapist providing some care, but it is so easily unfulfilled.

[coolibrarian]

Don't assume she was off someplace "doing something amazing." Maybe she had a family emergency or obligation to attend to.

[itjustis]

Given that she has been away could it have been a generic email that would be sent out to all her contacts as a reply?

[Cantfindthewords]

Thanks all. I need to cut out all emails from now on I think.
She’s brilliant face to face, but some of her emails can be, well come across as a bit cold.
I just hope she doesn’t hate me. Am I wrong for wanting affection from her? that’s one of my hang ups. She’s a great hugger but yesterday I just wanted her to hold me. I hate feeling like this. 😔 Why is life so hard.

[Merope]

I can understand why you feel upset, but at least she replied. She acknowledged your need to contact her. Some Ts don’t reply at all.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Cantfindthewords

Thanks all. I need to cut out all emails from now on I think.
She’s brilliant face to face, but some of her emails can be, well come across as a bit cold.
I just hope she doesn’t hate me. Am I wrong for wanting affection from her? that’s one of my hang ups. She’s a great hugger but yesterday I just wanted her to hold me. I hate feeling like this. 😔 Why is life so hard.

No, I don't think it's wrong to want affection from your T. Of course, some T's won't do that, but if yours does and is good with it, then it can be a healthy way to get a need met.

It's hard because there's no tone with words. So the words themselves become very important.
Only talking with T face to fac. Will solve this.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

No, I don't think it's wrong to want affection from your T. Of course, some T's won't do that, but if yours does and is good with it, then it can be a healthy way to get a need met.

I agree with this. It’s not “wrong” to want affection from your T. But some t’s won’t give affection or in some cases even authentic caring

But yes, it can be a healthy way to get a “normal” need met

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Cantfindthewords

She’s brilliant face to face, but some of her emails can be, well come across as a bit cold.
I just hope she doesn’t hate me. Am I wrong for wanting affection from her? .

Isn't that just true for email in general? That the most loving and attuned person sounds flat on email, at least most of the time. I think expecting email to bring emotional satisfaction in a consistent way with someone who is great with words orally in person may not be realistic.

But you're not wrong to "want affection." Why not ask in session or raise the issue about how you can get this need met the next time? Maybe there is a way she can respond on email, and you can tell her what this is, or maybe you can increase getting your affection needs in session so you don't need them between session.

I sincerely doubts she hates you. Consider the possibility that as much as she would have liked to give you something more warm or personable, perhaps that was the best she could do at the time and the place. Maybe she just didn't know how to respond in the way that would help you best. People sometimes say things like "well she could have said something really simple, like x y z" but haven't you ever failed someone who needed your support even when you were trying to show up for them? I have-- as the parent of a teenager, I've had lots of practice, especially when he and I have been physically separated or right after something distressing happens and he is at school, for example. I send what I think is a supportive, nonblaming, positive message and he thinks it's just boilerplate (rote) sympathy and I'm really criticizing him or blaming him. I look sideways at the words and can't get his reaction. Later when we talk in person it is SO much easier, he gets me and I get him and we have very few misunderstandings in person.

I also don't think you need to take on any guilt. You didn't know she was going to be away, but if the content of your email was insulting or mean and you wish you had chosen your words more carefully, a simple apology will do. For people who are trying to help me, I try to be less critical of their help than asking them to help me figure out what might work better the next time.