[Crook32]

So stupid me made the comment to my T that my friend thinks I should find a new T. So we got to discussing it, well she pretty much did all the talking and she thinks it may not be a bad idea. She says I could go try new Ts for a few months and see how it goes. She said I could always come back but that would only be if she had an opening. I feel very hurt right now. I am thinking of quitting therapy all together. Which is not good. I already go twice a week and can get very suicidal with bad mood swings. I just don’t know what to do.

[Fuzzybear]

To me this is a “good” sign, the unwillingness to refer is a red flag to me

I’m sorry you feel hurt. Therapists do walk some sort of tightrope. No wonder some fail..

[unaluna]

Telling her that, she may have thought it was "your little voice" telling you to find another t? And its surely easier for someone to listen to another persons little voice than for us to listen to our own. But if a t hears ours, they are kinda obligated buy ethics to listen and follow it. Sucks.

[SlumberKitty]

Do you like working with your T? Kit.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Telling her that, she may have thought it was "your little voice" telling you to find another t? And its surely easier for someone to listen to another persons little voice than for us to listen to our own. But if a t hears ours, they are kinda obligated buy ethics to listen and follow it. Sucks.

Assuming is always terrible! OP could have been expressing a fear. Which the therapist would now have inadvertently validated.

Seems to me this would have been a time to question/answer rather than the therapist taking the opportunity and running with it.

I don’t know the story either but do know that it’s better making a change earlier rather than later if there are red flags...

It would be unethical of her to persuade you to stay which is unfortunate because it sounds like this is what you wanted her to do.

[Crook32]

I should have never listened to my friend.

Originally Posted by Crook32

I should have never listened to my friend.

Could you give more detail on what your friend was thinking?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Crook32

she thinks it may not be a bad idea. She says I could go try new Ts for a few months and see how it goes. She said I could always come back but that would only be if she had an opening. I feel very hurt right now. I am thinking of quitting therapy all together. Which is not good. I already go twice a week and can get very suicidal with bad mood swings. I just don’t know what to do.

So in your other recent thread you noted that you have been feeling better and therefore have seen your T in a more negative light. Is it possible that this negativity you felt about your T prompted you to essentially say, "hey, my friend thinks you are a bad therapist for me." Setting it up that way might lead the T to think that *you* think she's a bad therapist, and she wants to give you a graceful way out if that's what you want. That maybe you framed it in this way rather as something more neutral like, "I'm wondering how much progress I'm making on my therapy goals and whether I should shift my focus in therapy."

Are you hurt because you expected her to defend herself or your therapy or say, "gee Crook, I LOVE working with you" and beg you not to leave her? Because nothing like that is ever going to happen, it's unethical for them to persuade you to stay in therapy.

But if you look at the language she used as reported by you ("may not be a bad idea" and "could go try new T's," I hear nothing rejecting or terminating about it. I'm not sure your title "T want. . ." is even accurate. She may in fact want you to continue therapy with her but she can't say that.

Since I think she was merely tossing an idea out there about what you *could* do, you could return to her and say something like, "I thought about it some more, seeing another T, and I've decided I don't want to do that (if that's true). Just tell her how you feel and what you want. It's up to you to stay or leave.

[MRT6211]

As someone who had an exT who wouldn’t let them go when they realized it was the wrong fit, I want to concur that this might be a good thing, even though it feels like a bad thing. Like aforementioned, if T knows they’re not right for you/not helping you, they have an ethical obligation to refer you elsewhere, regardless of their own personal feelings about you and your therapy together.

Originally Posted by Crook32

So stupid me made the comment to my T that my friend thinks I should find a new T. So we got to discussing it, well she pretty much did all the talking and she thinks it may not be a bad idea. She says I could go try new Ts for a few months and see how it goes. She said I could always come back but that would only be if she had an opening. I feel very hurt right now. I am thinking of quitting therapy all together. Which is not good. I already go twice a week and can get very suicidal with bad mood swings. I just don’t know what to do.

It's very telling that she didn't listen to your concerns or explore why you are having these feelings. There's many things she could have said rather than jumping to end the relationship outright, such as working with you to process you feelings to gain more insight into the situation before taking action and speaking her mind. If my T reacted like yours did, I probably may have felt unheard and that my feelings don't matter.

I don't see anything related to ethics here. I also don't understand the comments about your reaction being an indication of wanting your T to adore you or beg you to stay, but I agree with others who said you may be better off without her in the end. In the meantime..

I understand you are hurt, and I'm sorry her response didn't show more concern for what led to these feelings. That could have been an opportunity for new understanding, but maybe it is not too late.

[Crook32]

I wasn’t looking for her to beg me to stay. I was just curious on her thoughts. My friend thought her boundaries were way to strict. My T is very big on keeping everything ethical.

This may sound weird but during the 4 years I have seen her I went through the worst episodes of my life. I did ECT and lost a lot of memories and had trouble forming new ones. So even though I knew those memories were gone I had her to fall back on to remember things. Now I feel like that safety net is being taken away and those years will be lost forever.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I wasn’t looking for her to beg me to stay. I was just curious on her thoughts. My friend thought her boundaries were way to strict. My T is very big on keeping everything ethical.

This may sound weird but during the 4 years I have seen her I went through the worst episodes of my life. I did ECT and lost a lot of memories and had trouble forming new ones. So even though I knew those memories were gone I had her to fall back on to remember things. Now I feel like that safety net is being taken away and those years will be lost forever.

You can tell her that you want to stay with her, with or without discussing your or her reasons. I could understand why you feel she helps to hold your memories of that time period. But unless you are unhappy with her or you think another T would be better, it seems like you want to continue your therapy with her, and I see no reason why you can't.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by octoberful

It's very telling that she didn't listen to your concerns or explore why you are having these feelings. There's many things she could have said rather than jumping to end the relationship outright, such as working with you to process you feelings to gain more insight into the situation before taking action and speaking her mind. If my T reacted like yours did, I probably may have felt unheard and that my feelings don't matter.

I don't see anything related to ethics here. I also don't understand the comments about your reaction being an indication of wanting your T to adore you or beg you to stay, but I agree with others who said you may be better off without her in the end. In the meantime..

I understand you are hurt, and I'm sorry her response didn't show more concern for what led to these feelings. That could have been an opportunity for new understanding, but maybe it is not too late.

[mountainstream]

I’m sorry.

[Moment]

Why not just go back to your T and say what you are feeling? And ask, explicitly, "Are you saying you want me to go see someone else or end therapy with me? I know it is my choice but what is your preference."

I think it's generally true that if someone says, in therapy, "my friend thinks this," that the therapist will assume this is an indirect way of expressing what the client actually thinks herself. Your therapist may think you want out and is trying to make it clear that it is your choice, and not trying to pressure you.

I had a very similar situation with my therapist early on. I interpreted what he said as, "he wants me to quit." I was really heartbroken. I went back to him and asked if this is what he meant. I had been completely mistaken. Some of us are really sensitive to the possibility of abandonment. We're ready to see it in everything. It's better to ask, and not assume.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Moment

Why not just go back to your T and say what you are feeling? And ask, explicitly, "Are you saying you want me to go see someone else or end therapy with me? I know it is my choice but what is your preference."

I think it's generally true that if someone says, in therapy, "my friend thinks this," that the therapist will assume this is an indirect way of expressing what the client actually thinks herself. Your therapist may think you want out and is trying to make it clear that it is your choice, and not trying to pressure you.

I had a very similar situation with my therapist early on. I interpreted what he said as, "he wants me to quit." I was really heartbroken. I went back to him and asked if this is what he meant. I had been completely mistaken. Some of us are really sensitive to the possibility of abandonment. We're ready to see it in everything. It's better to ask, and not assume.

How are you doing? I just responded to your other post then remembered this happened.

[Crook32]

I am trying to stay busy to not think about it. I am re-caulking the shower and changed out toilet seats. Trying to clean up the house. Want to get rid of clutter. I see my T Monday and I am so anxious.

That's good you've been staying busy. I got rid of some clutter too last week and felt better.

Cluttered environment, cluttered mind...

Good luck Monday. I hope you are able to focus on what's best for you.