[Merope]

On Monday I had a session with T in which I was telling him about a hard situation that can't be changed and that is, for all involved, pretty s*it. I won't go into details because the details aren't important, but it was something akin to someone dying and him saying it would be pointless, at this point, for him to try to say anything.

Have you ever had a session in which you told T something so sad that they didn't really know what to say and they just sat there with you in solidarity? My crazy had is now making up all sorts of scenarios of "what if he feels like he can't help me?" "what if he tells me to leave?" but the rational part of my brain keeps reminding me that given the situation, there really isn't anything anyone can say to make it better, so him acknowledging that is ok. It doesn't mean that he'll give up on me.

I literally live in constant fear of him terminating me and even though he reassured me several times that he won't chuck me out, I still end up seeing "signs" that he's about to do it everywhere. I feel so awkward about it every time I bring it up, but i just NEED the reassurance so much. At the moment, I'm convinced that because i've been in therapy for over a year, he'll end up thinking that im not making progress and refer me. I think that i am, for the most part, making progress, but im still worried.

At the moment im finding it very hard to live like this and i don't know what to do.

[DP_2017]

I don't mean ANY of my post to come off rude or judging, so I hope it doesn't.

First, the fear of being terminated is quite common. I had it OFTEN, weirdly enough, it was my T yelling at me about a month ago, that lead me to feel secure in the fact that he wont just do that.

Second, do you know your attachment style? Might be worth reading more about to understand yourself better. It could be part of why you are reacting as you are to this. Also anxiety is a huge factor, which I am assuming you have.

Lastly, yes my T has had times like this but not about sad things per say, he's outright said "I'm not sure where to go with this" and it sucks but I remind myself, he's human. He doesn't have all the answers. Part of the journey if therapy is figuring things out together. Maybe you can talk to him about how to deal with the pending grief. I went through grief last year and my T was the best support I had then.

Anyway, I am sorry you are struggling wit these thoughts and also about the person dying in your life

[Myrto]

Unless there is a cheesy platitude they can serve, therapists don't know what to say in my experience. It's not like I was expecting them to offer me some great wisdom they possessed but at the same time they advertise *as if* they possess that magical wisdom. They don't. I'm sorry about your grief. If therapists are no different than most people who don't know what to say when you talk about losing someone, what the hell are they for?

[elisewin]

Yes, sometimes we have faced situations that are so sad, that there is no words really, or the choice of words doesn't really matter. But I feel it is ok, and I have gotten comfort from my T just being there with me and for me.

I think it's really hard to come up with truly appropriate and especially helpful things to say at the time of serious loss and sadness. Most people don't really know what to say in those situations apart from standard brief banalities, which may or may not be helpful. I don't think Ts know this any better in general except that they may have a broader palette of those textbook banalities. I also think that many believe that sitting there with the client in silence can help at times - for me personally, this would never be the case in therapy.

Do you know what sort of reaction/feedback/reassurance would be useful for you? Maybe tell the T that and see if they do better?

[Merope]

Thank you all for replying. I'd just like to point out that I am in no way disillusioned with my T's reaction, on the contrary. I appreciate his honesty and humility and I am glad he is confident enough to point out when there is nothing he can do apart from just being there.

I think the issue is me and how I look for problems where there are none. I will have to bring it up with him again because my abandonment fears nowadays seem to be triggered by someone not breathing loud enough ffs. I'm not sure what type of attachment style I have, but there are definitely elements of insecurity (or perhaps I crossed the border into paranoia by now). I'm just really, really, really scared of losing his support and his continued presence at a time when everything else seems to be going t*ts up.

In a similar situation, my therapist would say the equivalent of: “I’m really sorry that happened to you” and would sit quietly as if she was imagining what that might have felt like for me.

It felt nice.

[daisysdontquit]

Originally Posted by Merope

I think the issue is me and how I look for problems where there are none. I will have to bring it up with him again because my abandonment fears nowadays seem to be triggered by someone not breathing loud enough ffs. I'm not sure what type of attachment style I have, but there are definitely elements of insecurity (or perhaps I crossed the border into paranoia by now). I'm just really, really, really scared of losing his support and his continued presence at a time when everything else seems to be going t*ts up.

I identify with this! I have an anxious attachment style and being "perpetually vigilant" or "looking for problems where there are none" is a factor. Always expecting people to abandon you and sometimes creating situations for that to happen so it can be on your terms. I really suggest you do some reading on it and talk to your therapist about that in particular.

I'm not sure anything can be done about it. At least in my experience knowing what it is hasn't actually prevented me from feeling or doing those things, but at least when I come back around to talk about it I have a semi-accurate idea of what happened.

It seems good that your therapist is real with you though. Hopefully it means he will be real with you about other things too.

Originally Posted by Merope

I think the issue is me and how I look for problems where there are none. I will have to bring it up with him again because my abandonment fears nowadays seem to be triggered by someone not breathing loud enough ffs. I'm not sure what type of attachment style I have, but there are definitely elements of insecurity (or perhaps I crossed the border into paranoia by now). I'm just really, really, really scared of losing his support and his continued presence at a time when everything else seems to be going t*ts up.

I don't have abandonment fears and much anxiety about relationships but do have "I look for problems where there are none" in other areas (mostly practical life management for me). I can worry the *** out of myself one day and totally see things with clarity and realism on the other day. I think it is anxiety, it can manifest in many different forms/areas depending on our individual backgrounds. I do find it helpful when I get external reality checks and feedback that I am exaggerating things in my head, so perhaps this is what the T can also do?

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Unless there is a cheesy platitude they can serve, therapists don't know what to say in my experience. It's not like I was expecting them to offer me some great wisdom they possessed but at the same time they advertise *as if* they possess that magical wisdom. They don't. I'm sorry about your grief. If therapists are no different than most people who don't know what to say when you talk about losing someone, what the hell are they for?

I deal with grief a lot in my therapy, and I don’t think there are words for most of it, at least not for me anyway. But I’m not looking for words to make it better. What helps is having someone accompany me into the pit of sadness, and a companion to stare into the abyss with me.