poss. trig. T conference with Dr.. Yipes!

I tried to post this earlier but I think i botched it. I saw my T
today and am processing things from earlier…
T told me she is meeting with my dr this week to figure out what to do with me - and let me tell you I'm a little freaked out about that. Trying to determine where the fear comes from (internally -DID/MPD) . Thoughts are pretty jumbled right now, have been all day. I’m getting snippets of thoughts from inside; I hate to waste both their time just to talk about me…. I’m really not worth it, not that important… there will be trouble, there always is when people collaborate to discuss another…. I can’t be ‘that bad’ off. Ok so I switch a little and do ‘scratches' (SI), so what - it’s not a big deal…. What will happen? …this image (probably not originally mine, but of my family) of ‘this is where the order is given for me to be locked away in a loony bin’.
T had said to me “You want your care to be coordinated, of course” and the thought was “oh s***! I‘m in trouble!”

T also made a comment about my appearing fine from the outside- this is strange to me and yet a constant. Of course I look fine on the outside - that’s the rule. That’s how it is, how I was conditioned. My family has always looked fine on the outside. “Oh you have the prefect parents”, “You’re just the greatest family - like the ‘Cleavers’”. “You’re dad’s the greatest guy, you’re so lucky”. Even on the inside - mom would tell me “You’re so lucky, you’ve never been abused.” I didn’t know what to tell her - or any body else. I’d just smile and look at them like they’re clueless. Mom’s always dressed nice - even on causal Friday’s. She always has the perfect phone voice, she’s never too loud (unless yelling at me), a perfectionist, always a big smile and willing-to-do-anything attitude for anyone “out there”. It’s all show, all a front. And it all gets dropped at home. She has no idea - it’s not on purpose. She has an “out there” self and a home self.

I’ve lived 30 years in the “nothing is as it seems” life and can’t look bad even when I try - trust me, I have tried. Cutting, I think, is also a part of that - it is real pain that is tangible- I can see it, I can feel the marks. And I can hide them from people just like I hide me from people.

Hmmmm that may also be why having my T meeting with my dr. scares me - it means I’m being seen. And being seen in my life has rarely meant safety. I’m fairly good at being invisible when I want to. In my family we didn’t even use what I call “real-speak”. We talked around things, never using the real name or real concepts. We talked about them in the negative like they didn’t exist; Dad would say to me “I’d kill any guy that so much as looks at you funny, and tear him limb from limb if he touches you.” Course, that would mean he’d have to kill himself. Maybe it was a means of denying his own actions. He sure didn’t rip his friend to pieces who was eying me and said things to me. He told him to knock it off. That was it. It took me a while to figure this out in counseling and understand why I couldn’t answer a direct question about my experiences. Ahhhhhhhhhh I’m getting my tell-tale headache now. Went too far - censor hit the button.

I'm just scared and anxious about this. maybe it will be fine... but it panicks me quite a lot. feels out of control.

Familiar thoughts.

> T had said to me “You want your care to be coordinated, of course” and the thought was “oh s***! I‘m in trouble!”

Something you have to watch, I guess (but you know that). It could be and it might not be. You have to check and see if they are really on your side or not. They might be. You never know!

=( I believe my dr cares about me but the T is new and they are close in relationship. The T is also new to DID/MPD and we're 5 sessions in now and she keeps asking how to best help me. It's making me nervous. Plus the fact that I "engaged in self injurious behavours, though mild, is still a concern". What's concerning me is what the end result of this little meeting will be. I don't like the idea of them meeting without me - I want to know what is being discussed.
Really nervous Kiya

Kiya, if you think the Dr. is on your side/cares about you then just throw the same "blanket" over the T for a bit until you get to know her better and she gets to know you better. Just "assume" she's doing the best she can for you and trying to understand, etc.

ok=( *gulp* I think the T was at one point my dr's mentor. Maybe still is... but I'll keep remembering that and ride it out.
I can also work on remembering that i am at choice about any decisions that are made. i have to not go into the "dear in the headlights" spacy-ness and stay connected to my rights and options.

Thanks for letting me "think out loud".

kiya

It is self-paranoid-making to think people are talking about you "behind your back" and you can't know what they're saying; I try to stay away from that one the best I can and just automatically assume they're saying/doing good things for themselves and me :-)

Might be nice to have both your PDoc and T on the same page, even if you and your T are having troubles with that :-) I had a heck of a time letting my T on my page (or even in the same book, LOL). Try to think of it as being "cared for" and having extra protection, etc.

Hi Kiya,

Can you ask to be at the meeting? Or at least to see any written reports that result? It sounds like your best interests are at heart though.

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she keeps asking how to best help me.

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Argggh. I remember early on in therapy, T kept asking me this and I had NO idea how to answer this and I kept thinking, "Geeze, one of us in here better know what they're doing." (and I knew it wasn't me)

Now, I am used to it and I even can answer him on most days. Or, when he doesn't give me what I need I tell him!!!!!! And then when he still doesn't give me what I need, I get mad at him. LOL

I think it's ok that she asks this. It may begin to help give you insight into yourself and your needs.

Peace and Love.

Kiya,
Good comments here. You have to believe that your doc and your therapist have your best interests in mind. They care about you so it's good they are discussing you in a therapuetic manner. I know, I know--I hate it when people talk about me behind my back. I know what you mean because my therapist is supposed to talk to my dr. before my next session. They've been playing phone-tag. I know I'm not their number one priority in life, but I had to ask my T that the fact they haven't talked yet doesn't mean they don't care, right? But I trust both my dr. and therapist--they used to work in the same clinic and really respect one another professionally. Let us know what happens. And remember--we always have the right to ask what has been discussed and/or see records (assuming you're an adult).

(((((((((((((thanks everyone))))))))))))))
yes- i'm an adult - on most days I agree with you sister about thinking "one of us has to know what's going on - and it's not me!!" I think i hate that question the most - and all it's forms; what do you need? how can i help you? Man, i have no idea - you're the professional.

Working on breathing and being calm about this. Believing it really is in my best interest and that i am safe. kiya