Hugs vs. email responses from T

On the comparison of emails and hugs, I definitely emailed my Ts a lot but hugs in therapy probably would have never even occurred to me if I had not read about it here on PC. Still, I would never want a hug from a T, not just because I am not a big hugger in general but also because I associate hugs with entirely mutual, spontaneous affection. I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that some people find requested hugs pleasant and helpful. I would have never wanted to be touched by my first T under any circumstances. With second T, I could definitely imagined hugs and other affection but only if we met in a complete different context, e.g. as friends, lovers or close colleagues. I think a hug with that T, as a T, might have achieved only one thing: trigger some sexual feelings, because I generally found him quite attractive and pleasant. But nothing like an increased sense of caring or support.

Email, for me, serves an entirely different role - it is for discussion / sharing stories and analyses, asking questions, settling practical things like scheduling. I even disliked when my T would just send back an email to say he had received mine, I found that somewhat silly and definitely useless in my case and told the T so. He then stopped that sort of emailing and only responded when he had something to actually respond and even then very briefly. That emaling with a T worked much better for me. I did not like when they engaged extensively because it just reinforced my compulsion and made me feel bad that I had the compulsion.

It's really hard processing everything from the session and trying to 'hold' onto those thoughts and feelings, to express them in the next session. I write things down in a journal, which helps. Even if I forget things, they still get processed by me. They still 'sink' in and after all, it's more important that I'm the one working this all out. My therapist doesn't have to know every thought or reflection - I think it gradually becomes apparent during the course of therapy anyway.

I could email him (though our agreement was that I could email him during the break if I needed to) but he wouldn't respond - so to me, it would be a bit like writing in a journal anyway. Whatever it is about for you, it sounds like a good subject to bring up.

Unless there is a real need to have more sessions of course. It's hard to negotiate the balance between dependency, trust and self sufficiency. It's also really hard to feel the connection between sessions.

This is interesting to me because now that you mention it, I think my T has said something about the emails coming more from a child place which is embarrassing to me because I’m a full-fledged adult. Even if it is coming from that place, does that mean that T shouldn’t engage? It makes me feel like those “child” thoughts and feelings or whatever you want to call them are not valuable since he has chosen not to reply to them.

Yes, I’ve thought about sending another email asking him to ignore my last email, but I’ve already unleashed the crazy and it feels hard to take it back. My T has so far been completely unfazed by anything I say or do, so I’m assuming this will fall in that category, but maybe I want to test it out. I technically did not issue an ultimatum. I just said, if you send a one-line response acknowledging my email, then I promise to talk about this email in our next session. In my mind I was thinking that if he doesn’t reply, I have no choice but to not show up in order to save face. I’m assuming he won’t reply, so I will have to figure out whether or not I will go to my session on Wednesday. Very mature, I know.

I don't think it means that. It's just that it is impossible to work with those childlike feelings therapeutically when they are not coming into the session but are floating somewhere outside in the emails.

It might sound harsh, but you and the therapist are there together for one particular reason - to help you and the only things that he can really help you with are those things that you are able to bring into session. Thus, because he cannot help you with those things that you don't bring into session but rather express via email, there is no reason for him to engage with these things.

It is not that these things would not be valuable but in the context of this specific relationship they are useless because they cannot be worked with to help you. The therapist would be unethical if he would engage in activities that do not benefit you or that do not have therapeutic purpose.

I don't want to talk about these stuff publicly but just so you know that I had a very long crazy period with my T during which I did all sorts of imaginable and unimaginable stuff. My T has admitted to me that he felt basically tortured by me for several years. But he survived it and I survived it and the treatment survived it and things are much calmer now.

Yes, I remember you mentioning this before and it’s helpful for me to hear about because it gives me hope. I’m actually quite polite to my T, but possibly passive-aggressive and I express pretty openly to him how hard it is for me to come to sessions. In the past, I’ve sent emails blaming him for this. I don’t really know how those affect him, except now I’ve learned that all his other clients have warm & fuzzy feelings for him, so perhaps he perceives me as a challenge? It makes me feel a bit like a misfit though. I never swear or throw things or storm out though. As I’ve mentioned before, in my life outside of therapy I follow all the rules of life and society and am perceived as responsible and upbeat. I almost don’t recognize the high maintenance crazy version of me that shows up for therapy.

Yep, for me it was the same. In my life I was (and am) very rational and responsible and reasonable. I had no idea that there is such a crazy part hidden inside me.

It has often felt very strange to think how it could be that I could be such a difficult patient (and my T has admitted that my case has been the most difficult for him) while at the same time I am so reasonable and likeable. But that was just a facade of course. Sure, I'm still quite reasonable and likeable but I don't always have to be so reasonable anymore

Feileacan - it sounds like you have a solid therapist.

Mine had almost zero tolerance for anger and outbursts. She said it was disrespectful, crossing boundaries and inappropriate for the type of therapy we were doing.

I often wonder how my therapy would have progressed if she had accepted and tolerated my angry and crazy pieces too. Surely I would not have had a strong filter, kept in so much emotion and felt so exquisitely shamed throughout much of my therapy work. For me it felt like doing therapy on a thin sheet of ice, when I needed a rock... panicking at every small cracking sound.

My former T allowed email contact between sessions. Sometimes she would reply and sometimes she wouldn't and I didn't "expect" her to, although occasionally I would ask her to. It helped me process things and helped me tell her things that were important for her to know but I just couldn't say, and have never said, aloud. She found it helpful because I was able to clarify what I meant, or how I was feeling, etc. because I didn't always do a good job of that in session. My new T doesn't allow email contact and I'm okay with that too. Our therapy is going to move much slower (but it already moves slower because I only see her like once per month instead of once per week) but I do try to focus in therapy and clarify what I mean then but I can't always do it. I think my former T was good for me for a long time but since she got sick and can't see me new T might be good for me at this point in my life. I say might because I'm still not sure. I was glad to have access to email with former T and I think it helped me a lot and she didn't ever seem to mind. I'm not sure I would email new T even if she did offer it though. I see her so infrequently that it probably wouldn't matter by the time I saw her again. Kit.