[GummiWorm]

I've been seeing him for over a year now and now that I've finally opened up with him, I feel like I might be in love. I look forward to my appointments so I can see him. He's told me before that he cares about me and that he likes me. It's probably just standard procedure, but I can't help wanting him to hug me or sit next to me. What do I do? Do I tell him? I'll be crushed if it turns out badly. What if he thinks less of me because of it?

Edit: I'm always self critical when he says something I don't like. I don't want him to think less of me so I ask him if he does. He always says no, but I'm still always worried about what he thinks of me.

[scott88keys]

How old are you? Do you realize this is entirely inappropriate? Your therapist cares about you because he cares about all his clients--he's a caring person--that's why he became a therapist. He's not in-love with any of his clients. That's unethical, not to mention immoral and inappropriate and abusive.

You're supposed to go to therapy to talk about your problems and issues--not because you're in-love with him. You should disclose this love to him. He'll either use it as a springboard to explore possible deeper issues you have, or he'll terminate the relationship because you're being inappropriate.

[toffeellen]

lots of people feel this way. its totally normal. if the therapist isnt used to it then he probably isnt a vvery good therapist. there are several threads on this topic. have a look around

[Nikki2000]

Gummiworm, your feelings are completely normal... i hope that you are able, when you feel ready, to talk to your T about this stuff, because i feel sure he will be able to offer much reassurance...

(and i apologise if this is an “inappropriate” response to Scott88keys comments but...... WTF???????????????????)

[mel4]

Hey Gummi, welcome!

I do believe that you should tell your therapist. The feelings you are experiancing are quite normal in my opinion, we all experiance them at some time or another. Your therapist sounds like he has been a caring figure in your life, and i think that it is "normal" to react to that with feelings of affection. I'd say to go for it. Tell him how you feel. In my opinion, that can only further the theraputic relationship.

Good Luck, and let us know what happens!
Mel

[sunrise]

Gummi, your feelings are typical of people with a close therapeutic bond. Exploring and working through them can be therapeutic. Just rest assured, many people have gone through this! An interesting book that could help normalize your situation for you is:
In Session: The Bond Between Women and their Therapists

completely normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i almost spit out my juice... omg, so normal... this person has listened to you, focused on you, let you open up about fears and feelings...

i don't know how they would be inappropriate at all.

i will tell you that i spent 4 months with one T, limited number of sessions, and i was mad about him. i was mortified, embarrassed and scared. i suffered as much from not being able to tell him as i did from the longing itself. In my efforts to help myself i stumbled across the term "transference" and holy bat krap! It was all normal, expected, documented and researched. In my last session with him i asked him why he had never told me what transference was... how much of my therapy time did i spend in agony, afraid he'd figure it out? How much time wasted on that instead of me?

i told my current T about it and he said that had my former T and i talked about it we could have explored what was happening. i mean, it's normal to feel the attraction, but it's not about him.. god, i don't know anything about him. i don't know what he likes or doesn't like or anything. It was always about me... and it's about you... and guess who you're there to talk about!

i would have been relieved to have known what it was about. It made perfect sense that in my situation a handsome, young and caring man would make my heart skip a beat or two. i wish someone had told me, so that i could have talked about it with him in a productive way.

[sidony]

I'll agree with everyone who says it's normal! Lots of people feel attracted to their therapists. I love my therapist. In my case, I've cast him in more of a father-figure role, but I know lots of people feel more of a romantic attraction. It's definitely normal, worth talking about, and a good therapist will explore what that means and treat that reaction therapeutically. There's nothing inappropriate about having feelings for your therapist. No good therapist would halt therapy or think ill of his/her client because of that. Trust me, they've heard it before. If you have the nerve to talk about it, it'd be a great way to talk about your feelings in relationships, etc. Lots of good therapy material!

Sidony

It's normal to have these feelings. You have built a special relationship with someone who genuinely cares about your well being. Your feelings are NEVER wrong. Of course you want to feel nurtured and cared for (hugged and sat next to) when you open up the most vulnerable part of yourself. One can feel like they are "in love" with their therapist, but I think it's more appropriate to say you "love" them, instead of you are "in love" with them.

Please do not listen to ignorant persons who know nothing about the therapy process. There is nothing wrong with having feelings of love towards your therapist. It's normal and expected. It is NOT inappropriate. I believe therapists can love their clients in a healthy way, it's human nature! Talking about it, if he is professional, will NOT lead to termination. Again, ignore those who know nothing about the process!

[scott88keys]

You'll have to excuse me for coming on rather strong with my previous post. I see that most of you are women. I'm a middle aged guy--my last therapist was old enough to be my grandmother, and my current therapist is a man my age. So obviously, I've never been in your situation(s) before.

[mel4]

(((((((((((((Scott))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

I think that most people don't understand transference in therapy until they have experienced it. Even then, most seem to think that there is something very wrong with feeling in love with someone in a professional relationship where it is made very clear that there is to be no romantic stuff. Therapists lose their licenses for getting romantically involved with clients, afterall. But the very reason why it is so wrong for therapists to use that relationship for their own gratification is because clients have those feelings as part of the process, and are very vulnerable to that being taken advantage of.

Ethical therapists are aware of those feelings and know how to address them therapeutically. The client should not be shamed, or used, but helped to understand where the feelings are coming from and how it all relates to therapeutic goals and other relationships in life.

But it isn't hard to see why some people might panic, be nervous or afraid, or feel bad when those feelings come up. What we need to understand is that there is nothing wrong with having those feelings, and it is a very normal part of the therapy process, which should be discussed with the therapist with the understanding that those feelings will not be acted upon.

you know scott... the funny thing is that transference isn't necessarily a sexual thing.. and even worse, sometimes it can feel almost romantic and still be involving a same sex T... even when both T and client are straight. And oh yes, age doesn't save us either.

try researching scott, transference is what you're looking for, specifically erotic or romantic transference.

it's all about power dynamics, need, desire and unmet needs... that granny T might just have had the right note of empathy that hooked you and you would have beem mortified to find yourself thinking about her all the time.

a good match of personalities in a therapeutic relationship (young, old, straight, bi, gay, male, female or guppy) should cause certain things to happen... the client projects or transfers their issues into that room, and onto that therapist. It's a powerful thing.

it's not always about gender or sex.. some people transfer parental issues onto the T. Many many people fight it off, never say a word and even change Ts.

some people see their T's as a mother or father figure

and it doesn't mean what it seems... or rarely. Being highly attracted sexually to a T "could" mean unmet needs as a child... neglect, abandonment fears... or it could just mean the T is hot!

i'm not coming down on you dude.. just sharing. It;s a very interesting and deep concept. Just for zhits and giggles, ask your man-your-age T about what transference is all about.. like is it normal for a client to feel like they are in love with a T. i'm sure he could give you a better explanation than i.

[scott88keys]

JelloFluff,
I do understand the concept of transference, as far as I know. There are times when I feel such anger and resentment towards my same-age T and I feel exactly like I do with my dad. And I yell at him, T, that this is some sort of weird transference zhit and what the hell?! Then we talk through it.

It's just that I've never had romantic feelings towards any of my therapists, so I guess I just couldn't relate to the original post. Since I couldn't relate, I probably shouldn't have reacted. But I do think I stated that she should discuss her feelings with her therapist--because we should be as honest as we can with our therapists. The rest of you were much more understanding. . .

[RACEKA]

I'm not in love with my T, but I love him. I feel so safe when I am with him. I can talk about anything. I know everything will be ok. Just hearing his voice is sometimes all I need. If I'm emotionally in need at home and I call him, as soon as I hear his voice it's like the commercial "calgon take me away". I'm suddenly in heaven.

I've told him he has a nice voice and it is so calming for me and he told me thank you. I never had anyone talk to me this way. I want him to be proud of him. I guess he's like a father figure.

[krazibean]

definitely tell him. those feelings aren't there for no reason, and can be a good topic in therapy! also once you know he knows and that he's not repulsed by it you will feel so much better. i know what it's like, i love my T too, (in a motherly way, we're both girls) i go as far as making a countdown to every appt. therapy is such a beautiful thing, but also very challenging and confusing at times.

Tell him when you are ready. Although my T pretty much knew my feelings for him because they came out indirectly in so many ways, I didn't not actually tell him directly until a couple of weeks ago-- and we have been working together for over two years.