[LabRat27]

I told my T from very early on that I needed him to not emotionally react to stuff.
There are two reasons. The first is that if the stuff I said upset him I'd stop telling him that stuff because I'd feel the need to protect him.
The second is that I'd also want to get a reaction out of him and it would reinforce attention seeking behavior, like hurting myself.

Because of this, I don't know how much of his lack of emotional expression is for my benefit, how much is the way he is with all his patients, and how much is him not feeling that strongly in the first place.

I think I'm at a point now where it would actually be helpful for me to get more in the way of an emotional reaction.
It's hard for me to let myself get emotional about something when he looks so calm and unaffected. Sincere, but reserved.

He says things like that I wouldn't be as composed as I was if it was someone else in the room talking about the same experiences I'm describing, or that if a little girl was telling me she was experiencing the things I'd just described that I'd want to wrap my arms around her. I eventually acknowledged that it would break my heart a little.
Friday he said when I describe [a specific recurring experience] he imagines being a child experiencing [it] and how upsetting and scary that would be.
These last few sessions in general he's been validating how stressful and upsetting those situations would have been.

If he is feeling the way he's pointing out I'd feel listening to someone recount these experiences, it would be helpful and "validating" to see/hear more of that from him. I don't expect him to cry or anything ridiculous like that. I'm not describing anything that bad. Idk maybe just him saying it's upsetting to him that I had to go through that? If he said that I'd probably just break down sobbing.
Idk it would show me that I'm allowed to be upset and it's not stupid and my feelings matter and those experiences matter and that that little girl whose experiences we're discussing mattered.

He's not a mind reader and I can't expect him to figure out that the "rules" have changed and it would be beneficial to get somewhat more of an emotional response now.

I also don't think I can tell him though. Because what if he really doesn't feel that strongly about it? What if he's not maintaining control over his own emotional response for my benefit, he just isn't affected by any of this, and it would be presumptuous to think otherwise? It's not like it's some terrible horrific abuse event I'm describing, it's just getting yelled at and feeling alone. I'm sure he hears much more upsetting stuff during most sessions with other patients.

What if I don't have a right to ask for this? It would be asking for a form of emotional intimacy and that feels dirty and wrong and bad.
I don't think I could handle being told no, no matter how kindly he tried to do it.

Has anyone managed to bring it up or had this kind of conversation with their T? How did it go?
Any advice/suggestions?

I'm considering trying to start with a conversation about eye contact and how I hide my face because part of me wants to let myself look up and see that he means what he's saying.
The two are kind of related. I want to look at him to see if there's an emotional reaction and to feel like he does care. And wanting that emotional intimacy feels bad and dirty and wrong and not allowed.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

What you are open to and what you need from your therapy and therapist is changing. You have an gift in your ability to hone in on and articulate where you are emotionally and what you may need.

I don't think it's as simple as an "I need you to show more emotion" request with a "yes/no" response. It sounds like this conversation with your therapist is exactly a part of the larger conversation you're already having about validating your emotional responses, and about growing up in an environment that didn't allow you to trust your own desires for connection.

You're not a surface person, that's clear in your posts. You think and feel deeply, and it sounds like you need to know you're being met in that deeper space as you move into difficult work. You're being real, and you need him to be real too. Approaching it in that context allows both of you to move away from the idea that you are asking something that he can choose to grant or not, and into something a heck of a lot more complex but more therapeutic, I think.

I've sort of Asked for this over the years in different ways.
Wanted T to be more herself.
And, over the years she has changed. Why? Because relationships change and grow. And ours has.
Looking back. I think she was just how I needed her to be in the beginning.
My changing has enabled her to show more of her self and emotions.
I don't think in the beginning I could have understood them.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I think starting with eye contact is good. Telling your T to show or not show emotions is not as easy as it sounds. Ts are humans, they won't just turn off every emotion because of a patient nor will they suddenly show loads. It's a balance and your T probably respects that you're more on the side of not wanting to see emotions, or at least were.

I have troubles myself with eye contact for a very similar reason. I'm scared my T will look caring and then I'll like him more, which sounds dangerous to me. I have talked about it a couple of times with him. At first we just talked about having issues looking at him, not even about the why. Since then, I've slowly started looking at him more. And I've found that he often gives an emotional reaction with his eyes or face. He'll look upset or sad or caring or whatever else. But I usually don't hear when he's sad in his voice, for example. Looking at your T can give you a lot of the things you're hoping to get from your T, so starting a conversation about that might be good. It can well be that your T already shows some emotion like that, you just don't see because you don't look.

[unaluna]

Yes. Read your own post! As it runs to the end, it sounds like its more about your fears than anything else. And what are fears but therapeutic fodder.

[Rive.]

You do have a right to ask for this.

However, yes, he might not be willing/able to do so for whatever reason e.g. his style or personality. Then again, it might lead to some potentially helpful discussion.

[stopdog]

I never had anything for them to show emotion over. Nothing I did or said had anything to do with the therapist.

[Anne2.0]

Of course you have a right to ask and there's nothing wrong with asking, but like all things where you ask other people to do something different, they have the right to say no. I try not to ask people to do things if I'm not willing to accept the answer. I've had people ask me for things, I've said no, and they keep asking as if the answer's going to change, or they are trying to manipulate or coerce or wear me down into saying yes.

One thing to consider in asking anyone to change is whether this is something where you are trying to script them into a particular role or otherwise "use" them. A relationship where you have to have someone say or do particular things like they are following a screenplay is not much of a relationship. It's not always easy to tell when this is what you're going for as opposed to a healthy request for the other to help you, especially healthy in the context of T. Only you can determine this for yourself.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

What you are open to and what you need from your therapy and therapist is changing. You have an gift in your ability to hone in on and articulate where you are emotionally and what you may need.

I don't think it's as simple as an "I need you to show more emotion" request with a "yes/no" response. It sounds like this conversation with your therapist is exactly a part of the larger conversation you're already having about validating your emotional responses, and about growing up in an environment that didn't allow you to trust your own desires for connection.

You're not a surface person, that's clear in your posts. You think and feel deeply, and it sounds like you need to know you're being met in that deeper space as you move into difficult work. You're being real, and you need him to be real too. Approaching it in that context allows both of you to move away from the idea that you are asking something that he can choose to grant or not, and into something a heck of a lot more complex but more therapeutic, I think.

Thank you. This was really sweet. I often feel like I'm just thinking myself in circles. I don't understand my brain/myself and I don't like not understanding things and it's very difficult for me to stop thinking and trying to figure it out.

I really appreciated this. It helps me feel less like I'm doing something wrong or asking for something I shouldn't be allowed to have. Thank you for normalizing it.

It's kind of a cruel irony that our issues so often make it harder to get help addressing our issues. To be a nerd for a second, it reminds me of the pathogens that attack/disable parts of the host immune system that would help the host detect and defeat them.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by Rive.

You do have a right to ask for this.

However, yes, he might not be willing/able to do so for whatever reason e.g. his style or personality. Then again, it might lead to some potentially helpful discussion.

I think it might hurt too much for me to be able to then have potentially helpful discussions about it.
I would take it in a way that would reinforce my worst beliefs about myself and it would be devastating and I probably couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable like that again.
When I feel rejected I feel humiliated and internalize it and basically exile myself.
I'd know I was being irrational, but I don't think that knowledge would be enough.

Which is why I'm being so careful about this. It's a risk, and I don't want to gamble with stakes that high. I want to find a way to address it that doesn't make me that vulnerable, where I'm not putting him in a position of having to respond to a request or address it directly.

[satsuma]

I think maybe you could communicate what you've said here without actually asking 'T, can you please be a bit more emotional?' Not because I think it would be wrong to ask, by it might make it less stressful for you and easier to have the conversation if you don't ask directly. You could say 'I find it hard when we are talking about -- whichever things -- and sometimes I feel as if I'm not allowed to be upset about it. I wish I could be able to show my feelings a bit more. Do you feel upset about it? I think it helps me a bit when I can see how you feel about the things we are talking about.' Or something like that.

[GeekyOne]

What if you just... printed your OP here and gave it to him at the beginning of your next session? I think you do a good job at explaining what you're looking for, why, your fears, and so on.