[MoxieDoxie]

Really not sure if my feelings are correct but that is what came up so I am going with that.

T asked me if I wanted to be this way for the rest of my life.

He said instead of soothing the inner child that get triggered by doing things like taking a bath, curling up under a blanket and watching TV, drinking hot chocolate or eating a lollipop I need to go do adult things like cooking because doing the other things will just make me feel like more of a child.

All day long I am doing adult things like running my business, food shopping, planning dinner, going to clients...... how much more adult can I get? When I get triggered it is hard to continue adulting and I can't make quality executive decisions so I need to do self soothing.

His behavior yesterday makes me think he is annoyed that his 8 months of modalities has not fully fixed me. IDK I think I am way better then what I was when I came in. I am not sure how much more of therapy is going to make me like life and living. Life is hard and living sucks. It is just a fact.

He said everyone has the same issues as I do. EVERYONE. We all have parts like I have. They are just emotions, just a chemical in the body. I stay longer in them than the average. So I guess he is saying I do not return to baseline as fast as the average population. So I guess he is saying I need to distract but with more adult style activities.
Perfect. I am cured now and no longer need his services. He should go on talk shows with that.

[missbella]

If the activity is not harmful to ourselves or others, if we’re maintaining our responsibilities, I think the rest is entirely our business.

[Echos Myron redux]

You're right to be annoyed. It sounds like his own impatience talking, and he really needs to own and examine that countertransference, and not act from it.
No wonder it's hurtful and inaccurate, he's not meeting you where you are.

[ElectricManatee]

That sounds really invalidating. I wonder if your T was feeling frustrated and took it out on you. I have noticed a lot of little ways that healthy, successful adults in my life seem to care for their "inner child," even if they don't quite conceptualize it that way. For what it's worth, your self-care activities sound fine and not harmful to me, so I don't know why you would need to replace them with other activities that appeal to you less. Curling up in a blanket, taking a bath, or drinking hot chocolate are all things my T suggests as positive ways to calm down when I feel stressed. I don't think comparing the size of your reaction to what is "average" is helpful either. Your feelings are your feelings, and it sounds like you are finding healthy ways to help cope with them.

[here today]

If you're feeling annoyed and a little insulted, then that's what you're feeling.

It has sounded to me like he HAS helped you, in the ways that you mentioned in previous posts.

If he can't completely cure everything and is annoyed about that, himself, and feeling inadequate because the profession itself (IMO) has limited theories and methods and few in the profession are willing to acknowledge that and so he also doesn't have any support for feeling like a failure, personally, when coming up against some limitations or something -- that would be countertransference, as I understand it.

And, yeah, so in defense, he puffs himself up or blames you or whatever he needs to do to help himself feel better and more capable, even though he may not be which, again, he takes personally rather than just a fact. About living and the limits of his profession and his limits personally.

Yeah, it's hard and it sucks.

Nothing wrong with your feelings. Annoyance is in the spectrum of anger. It sounds like he used what is known as confrontation to try to propel things forward. My T has used that with me when I was stuck (with something unrelated).

This post makes it look like he's cold or short or something. But in reading your other post, he sounds like he's trying to move your forward. You also said you stopped some significant behaviors since seeing him. I'd consider continuing with him.

I think what he's doing is moving you out of passive and dependent mindset. Starting new patterns might not be a bad thing. For people who struggle with impulse control issues, wrapping up in a blanket with hot cocoa can be a trap one falls into to escape. As well as regression to childhood mindset, especially when viewing yourself as having an inner child needing nurtured. It might be easy to do with those who are more balanced, but I support the development of new habits if that will help.

[Taylor27]

He could of said this to you allot better and not so cold. I know my t isn't much for nurturing the child with in me, it's more taking care of me as a adult. Hugs. I would tell him how his comment annoyed you hugs

[Anne2.0]

Is it possible that your interpretation that "he is annoyed that his 8 months of modalities has not fully fixed me" is incorrect, and that he said this in a spirit and/or context of something else? For example, I could see how someone might say this if they perceive a person is stuck and unwilling to consider doing things different. Perhaps he thought you were unreceptive to thinking about this differently or attempting to do it differently, as in "I must do things this way." That is what your post sounds like to me, and of course my interpretation may well be wrong.

I have found it useful to tell T what I thought from what he said, which if I'm irritated or insulted I think I am always wrong. Then he tells me what he was thinking and the context reveals itself for what it really is, something deeper and more meaningful, both for the relationship and in terms of understanding myself.

taking a bath, curling up under a blanket and watching TV, drinking hot chocolate or eating a lollipop

Last time I checked, these are all things that adults do too.

[toomanycats]

There's nothing wrong with your methods of self soothing. They are entirely appropriate and healthy.

[growlycat]

Well said. I was never a fan of therapists that blame the client when their techniques fail. I think you explained this perfectly.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by here today

If you're feeling annoyed and a little insulted, then that's what you're feeling.

It has sounded to me like he HAS helped you, in the ways that you mentioned in previous posts.

If he can't completely cure everything and is annoyed about that, himself, and feeling inadequate because the profession itself (IMO) has limited theories and methods and few in the profession are willing to acknowledge that and so he also doesn't have any support for feeling like a failure, personally, when coming up against some limitations or something -- that would be countertransference, as I understand it.

And, yeah, so in defense, he puffs himself up or blames you or whatever he needs to do to help himself feel better and more capable, even though he may not be which, again, he takes personally rather than just a fact. About living and the limits of his profession and his limits personally.

Yeah, it's hard and it sucks.

I think at this point for me it is just maintenance. I am not sure if all my issues will every just go away. All therapy does is give you tools to cope and that is what I have done. I no longer feel like I am a danger to myself and my maladaptive coping behaviors have abated. Yeah I still go through a roller coast of highs and lows of feelings and emotions through the day depending on what is happening but I think that happens to everyone.

I may never return to baseline as fast as "others" do. So what....right?

[here today]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I think at this point for me it is just maintenance. I am not sure if all my issues will every just go away. All therapy does is give you tools to cope and that is what I have done. I no longer feel like I am a danger to myself and my maladaptive coping behaviors have abated. Yeah I still go through a roller coast of highs and lows of feelings and emotions through the day depending on what is happening but I think that happens to everyone.

I may never return to baseline as fast as "others" do. So what....right?

"Right" is what I would say, too, but that's just me. Others may have other opinions.

Your decisions, and ability to make decisions, sound pretty adult to me. Even asking for the opinions of others, here, when you are unsure -- and sifting through the results to feel out what feels right to you.

Life is hard, as you said. And if you have to put up with some annoyance with a T who, overall, helps you maintain -- well that may be what you need for now and it could morph into something else later. Who knows, you can deal with that if and when it happens. My 2 cents, anyway.

[InkyBooky]

I'm no expert, but the self-soothing techniques you describe sound very "adult" and healthy to me.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I think at this point for me it is just maintenance. I am not sure if all my issues will every just go away. All therapy does is give you tools to cope and that is what I have done. I no longer feel like I am a danger to myself and my maladaptive coping behaviors have abated. Yeah I still go through a roller coast of highs and lows of feelings and emotions through the day depending on what is happening but I think that happens to everyone.

I may never return to baseline as fast as "others" do. So what....right?

agreed...no one's issues every fully go away, but what does change is we learn to manage them better. to me, it sounds like you are doing just fine learning how to manage your issues better. healing is a life long process and so is growing. if the things you are doing to help sooth, connect to ,and love your inner child part(s) is working for you, then so what?? cherish what feels right for you in your heart and just because someone else may be uncomfortable with it or does not agree, does not mean they are correct. and remember, you are the expert on you.

as others have already stated, to me, this seems more about your T and his feelings of inadequacy and frustration and he is taking the piss on you for it. i hope you can discuss this more with him and share your feelings of being annoyed and invalidated.

[unaluna]

Im sorry, but men have it easy. They dont have someone kicking them in the nuts for two weeks every month, then asking them why they arent cheerfully getting more shyte done in their life. (It just occurred to me that i could have had a hysterectomy at an early age and my life would have been about a million times better.)

So aside from the obvious stuff like meditation and mood stabilizers and switching to decaf, can you try dump or offload some of the tasks in your life that are driving you crazy? "Small" your life to a more manageable size, then maybe add stuff back in as you are able and really want to.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I think at this point for me it is just maintenance. I am not sure if all my issues will every just go away. All therapy does is give you tools to cope and that is what I have done. I no longer feel like I am a danger to myself and my maladaptive coping behaviors have abated. Yeah I still go through a roller coast of highs and lows of feelings and emotions through the day depending on what is happening but I think that happens to everyone.

I may never return to baseline as fast as "others" do. So what....right?

Does EMDR help with that? I never tried it and don't know much about it.

It seemed like T was steering you away from the past relational feelings? You said you had painful transference with every T you ever had and they became a surrogate parent. I'm not sure how many different Ts you've tried, but it seemed maybe he was trying something different altogether to avoid that.

Aside from EMDR, sometimes closing up the past can lead can be the catalyst to move forward. Shut it down....Feeling the transference, with all the child feelings and dependency, can be disempowering if you get stuck there.

[Rive.]

It's doubtful that "everyone" has the same issues. Even if everyone did, we don't all fit the same mould.

His generalisations are not only inaccurate and unrealistic, but rather insulting.

It seems it stems from his impatience to 'fix' you i.e. from his issues. This is not therapeutic. He ought to meet you where you are at and not try to shame or rush you to be where you are not ready to be.

Originally Posted by toomanycats

There's nothing wrong with your methods of self soothing. They are entirely appropriate and healthy.

I agree, I don't see a problem with those methods of self soothing?

[JaneTennison1]

I know plenty of adults who have a nice bath or cup of tea/hot chocolate under a blanket in order to feel better. It hurts no one and especially doesn't hurt you so I see no harm in any of this.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I know plenty of adults who have a nice bath or cup of tea/hot chocolate under a blanket in order to feel better. It hurts no one and especially doesn't hurt you so I see no harm in any of this.

There's nothing wrong with it, but that's not the only way. And if it's not working, maybe trying something new isn't a bad idea.

If it leads to renumeration or dwelling on things or feeling painful and insatiable longings, for example, being active can help. I say this because my T has recently encouraged me to stay active and on a schedule as a way to regulate my mood. Both my long term Ts have been using this strategy for decades.

[Ididitmyway]

I'd be very insulted if I got this kind of BS from a therapist, not just a little. This would be the end of my work with them.

[MoxieDoxie]

He tried to give me an example of what he meant. He was feeding his kids animal shaped macaroni & cheese and he was eating it while feeding them and it made him feel like a kid. I was annoyed right then and there. It is not doing kid things that make me feel like a child. It is trying to sooth the child part of me that takes the drivers seat and it can happen when I am already doing "adult" things. Doing more adult things does not work as I do not make the best decisions or can not focus correctly when in that state so I hunker down.

[here today]

Yeah, sounds like that's him and not you. Annoyance is maybe a good signal to push that back, don't take that on.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

He tried to give me an example of what he meant. He was feeding his kids animal shaped macaroni & cheese and he was eating it while feeding them and it made him feel like a kid. I was annoyed right then and there. It is not doing kid things that make me feel like a child. It is trying to sooth the child part of me that takes the drivers seat and it can happen when I am already doing "adult" things. Doing more adult things does not work as I do not make the best decisions or can not focus correctly when in that state so I hunker down.

I think knowing what works,, and doing it, is wonderful. When I am dissociated i find that only a walk will help. It is not harmful to anyone or even me and i see no reason not to do something useful