Terrible Session

Today’s session with T went about as bad as it could’ve gone. She pushed me way too hard and in the wrong way. I am so down right now. I just want to disappear.

I'm sorry today's session went so poorly. HUGS

So sorry your session was so bad. Please don’t disappear, stay and talk .

She emailed me after session because I left some stuff in her office by accident. She also said this in the email:
“Please know my intention was not to upset you. Although it is extremely uncomfortable, I do think it is important to have these conversations and challenge your thinking. I do not like ending on such notes and I wish we had more time today. For that I do apologize. Please let me know how the week goes for you.”
I emailed her twice after that, though, trying to talk about what I was feeling. She never responded, and she always responds. Kinda just hurt me more there. I wish I hadn’t sent those emails now, I feel dumb.

Maybe she went home.
Maybe she had to go to the market and cook dinner.
Maybe she has a family thing that needs her attention.
Maybe she is trying to get ready for the holidays.
Dont take her lack of response so personally. It was extremely kind of her to write you the first time and she clearly cares.

That is all possible, and it’s otibably something like that. I’m just in a bad mood right now and a little mad at her for pushing me in the way she did, so I think that might be why I’m taking it so personally.

I’m sorry, MRT. Does she often push you? I’m someone who wouldn’t be up for being pushed at all. I would be upset, too. I think it’s ok to be mad- I would feel free to let her know how her pushing you affected you.

Sometimes she pushes me, and I don’t mind it, actually, usually I want her to. Right from the beginning, she made it clear to me that she has very high expectations for me (I’m a medical student, that’s a large part of why, she also knew me from groups before I saw her/was on the treatment team with exT), and I don’t mind that. But usually she wouldn’t keep going when she knew I was that uncomfortable. Perhaps she didn’t realize the extent of my discomfort. Perhaps she thought that I needed to be pushed anyway. I don’t know, but I know that I had an awful day today because of it. I’m a little drunk, now, because I couldn’t decide between studying and drinking, so I decided to do both at once because if I’m self-destructing, why not go all the way, right...? I’m gonna email her again soon, even though I probably shouldn’t. She definitely is not going to be happy with this behavior, but I don’t even freaking care at this point.

What you are studying shouldn't affect how she practices or any expectations she might (mistakenly) hold about you. This attitude would piss me off big time.

I'm so sorry about this situation! I would be so mad, too! And about her lack of response, too! Why would she mail you with the questions and then not reply? Rationally I do understand she had other responsibilities but I'd be so mad, anyway. I feel for you. This kind of thing always sucks.
I hope you two resolve this situation soon.

I think I get what he's saying though. I'm a psych major, and my therapist is also my prof. I know he has HUGE lofty expectations of me, because he's told me so. I think he also marks me harder because he's trying to push me more. I don't mind it, I actually appreciate it, but I can see the flip side where it could become distressful (and I did have a meltdown over it a few weeks ago when I told him that he needs to understand that I'm not nearly as smart as he thinks I am). That got me booked for an intelligence test in two weeks .

Hopefully the T will reply to his messages before next session. There's nothing worse than feeling left in limbo. At least you'll have lots to talk about.

Ugh, terrible sessions are so hard to deal with. I had a doozy of one a couple weeks ago.

These feelings are going to pass. It helps me if I let the feelings be what they need to be, without getting caught up in wanting to rage quit, feeling like its going to be like this forever and I might as well give up on everything now etc. When I am able to let myself ride them out they have usually eased way back by the time my next session rolls around and I can address the things more calmly.

She will answer your emails. I know its an anxious wait. She will get there. These feelings are hard but they will pass... all feelings do.

How high should a therapist's expectations be when they are working with an electrician or a roadworker? Someone's job, or potential job in the case of study, should be irrelevant.

I may have sent drunken emails to both T and exT....probably going to get reprimanded for that at some point, but I don’t care. Good. I deserve whatever lectures I get about this.

MRT, Did she write back? That feeling of a bad session, for me evokes what Bion called "Nameless Dread". I feel like the world is ending, but I also know the feeling is out of proportion to the situation. I hope she wrote back to you, and put some quietude int the rest of your night and the wait between sessions.

Therapy is full of these moments.

She hasn’t written back or called all day. I guess I was successful in pushing her away finally. I sent an email at 1 to both T and exT apologizing for last night’s drunken rambles. I hate myself. Why would she tell me to let her know how the week goes if she’s just going to ghost me? Doesn’t she realize this is making everything worse?

If I understand correctly, it hasn't even been 24 hours since your email. In my world, that's not "ghosting." That's I have a lot on my plate and maybe the multiple emails make it difficult to know how to respond, so I'm waiting until I have a few minutes free to call or write a thoughtful response.

I doubt your over interpretation "pushing her away" is accurate and your expectation that she will drop everything to respond to you immediately and that she should "know" anything, are pretty good distortions of what I'd consider normal email response times. I respond to very few people within 24 hours and very few people respond to me within 24 hours and yes, I'm a busy professional as are most of the people I communicate with.

Seriously, ***** her, this is why I push people away, because when I depend on them, all they do is abandon and/or hurt me.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this MRT. I had a bad session this week too. It's a special kind of awful, isn't it?

I hope you hear back from your T soon, and get some resolution.

With her it’s different because it’s not a typical outpatient therapy environment. I’m in an outpatient program. Part of it is that we’re supposed to be able to talk to someone that day if we need to. If not our clinician, one of the other ones. If she knew she wasn’t going to have time to talk to me, she normally would tell me to contact one of them. There has only been one other time that she didn’t call me back that same day (and time I have a lot of out of session contact with her), and that was also purposeful, because I had told her I self-harmed, and she didn’t want to encourage the behavior. Pretty sure that’s what’s going on now. I know she’s not going to be happy with me. I have a huge self-inflicted bruise on my forearm, and she’s definitely going to see it in group tomorrow and I’m afraid she’ll see it and she won’t talk to me because I did that.

I hope your week gets better, too.

So I talked to T...her not calling me back was basically a disciplinary thing because I self-harmed in my car immediately after session, instead of asking for help. And even more so because I emailed her while under the influence. She says she refuses to engage with those behaviors, because I’ve already made my choice. I understand, I guess. As I suspected...I got a long lecture about my behavior and stuff...i feel like crap right now, though...but I do understand why she had to do it. Not only is it her policy, it did teach me something valuable, even though I was furious at the time. Because I know that none of this felt good, and surely I will remember this next time if I want to do those things...

I'm glad you talked to your T. I'm sorry you feel like crap right now. It sounds like talking to your T did help a little bit. Kit

She did. And then we talked on the phone a little while ago again. She assured me that while yesterday she was not happy with me, that she’s not still mad at me, that she and exT don’t think less of me as a person, and that I didn’t do anything that can’t be undone in my spiral, and so the best thing that I can do is move on. She said that she knows that I needed this “kick in the [butt],” but that next time I need to go about it in a different way.

Honestly, even though we kinda had a small rupture over this, I feel better now and like she cares about me. She even said she cares a lot about me, and that’s why she was angry with me that I was self-sabatoging. So overall, I think in a weird way, this strengthened our relationship.