How do you deal with disagreements, or your therapist showing less than ideal support for something you want to do.

In the beginning of the year due to roommate struggles I was out of a place to live and eventually went back to my moms, now I'm with my father. I don't hate my parents. But I've been wanting to live alone again. I don't want the trouble of another roommate and I hate living with either of my parents. My therapist doesn't support this. She believes it'll make it easier for me to be antisocial, despite already being antisocial. I'm not actively suicidal, nearly in my thirties, and am financially stable.
It was important for me to have her support, but as I prepare to move forward without it I question if I need/want any of her support at all. I feel like making this move without her behind me is the first step I take away from her completely.

So I am curious how did it affect others and their relationship with their therapist. Especially who it's not a frequent occurrence.

[piggy momma]

Hi roseboi,

I've had many, many instances where I did not agree with my therapist on how to proceed. Its a tough situation to be in, because on the one hand you're seeing them for a reason. On the other hand, you still need to live your life.

If I were in your shoes, and working with my therapist, and knowing how he works, I would take each of his concerns and document them. Then I would counter them. So, if a concern is that it will be easier for you to be antisocial, can you demonstrate ways that you will be social - i.e. join a club, go for dinner once a week with friends, etc.?

Therapists aren't technically supposed to give advice, but I know I rely on the advice of my therapist a lot. Then comes the balance - if I'm not going to take his advice why ask for it? However, I'm also an adult capable of making decisions on my own.

I've found that addressing the therapist's concerns directly with concrete examples on what I'm going to do usually work. Of course, then I have to put that into action. And tell her that you understand and appreciate her concerns, and see where she is coming from, however, you feel differently because of xyz.

For me it's improved my relationship with my therapist. I am learning to talk through options and know when I really need to do what he's saying and when I have a bit more leeway. it's also helped me communicate more effectively what I need both from him, and from others.

[stopdog]

I would hire a new one or simply take that discussion off the table with the old one. The therapist can't make you do or not do anything. I never wanted advice from a therapist nor did I ask for their approval on what I did with my life. Such was not theirs to give.

[Ididitmyway]

I never had such instances when my therapists objected my decisions. It's not like they always supported everything I did, but they were mostly neutral. They mostly tried to understand the feelings and motives behind my decisions, but that never felt like disapproving what I was doing.

But, at the same time, I usually consulted with them before making important decisions. I thought that's what therapy was for among other things. Sometimes, their perspective on a specific situation was different from mine and I appreciated when they shared it because it allowed me to look at things from a different angle and change my mind in regards to what decision to take. But, again, that never felt like they were imposing their agenda on me.

Whenever my mind was settled on something they never argued with me and never suggested to do something else. They usually would just ask me how it felt to have my mind made up.

I think, they have dealt with it exactly how therapists are supposed to. It's not their role to tell clients what to do. They can work with you on helping you better understand what you need, but when you know what you need, it's not their place to tell you otherwise.

The only exceptions to this rule are when the client wants to do something illegal or obviously immoral. Those are the times when the therapist can and should voice their objections strongly.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I never had such instances when my therapists objected my decisions. It's not like they always supported everything I did, but they were mostly neutral. They mostly tried to understand the feelings and motives behind my decisions, but that never felt like disapproving what I was doing.

But, at the same time, I usually consulted with them before making important decisions. I thought that's what therapy was for among other things. Sometimes, their perspective on a specific situation was different from mine and I appreciated when they shared it because it allowed me to look at things from a different angle and change my mind in regards to what decision to take. But, again, that never felt like they were imposing their agenda on me.

Whenever my mind was settled on something they never argued with me and never suggested to do something else. They usually would just ask me how it felt to have my mind made up.

I think, they have dealt with it exactly how therapists are supposed to. It's not their role to tell clients what to do. They can work with you on helping you better understand what you need, but when you know what you need, it's not their place to tell you otherwise.

The only exceptions to this rule are when the client wants to do something illegal or obviously immoral. Those are the times when the therapist can and should voice their objections strongly.

Thanks, I think I expected her response to be more neutral, because I didn't bring it up as a question or topic for advice. Now I'm realizing it's as if she has her own priorities for me in some ways. I wish she didn't respond in such an opposing manner, because I didn't quite as for advice, I think I wanted reassurance, now I feel like I'm trying to convince her... and that just makes me no longer want to see her.

I've never had T say what she supports or doesn't.
I don't think it's their job to determine what you choose. Only to help you look at all options.

[Waterloo12345]

"and that just makes me no longer want to see her."

Do what you wish in relation to the flat but talk about this with your t! Might this be a part of why you are anti social? You draw away when there might be conflict? Idk but for me the real life problems illuminate my issues I need to work on.

[nottrustin]

There were times that T disagreed with my decisions. However, she always told me that she would support me no matter what I chose to do. That was helpful to me.

I personally would have liked my Ts to express opinions more, whether they agreed with my views or not. I also like that in general from anyone who can share their views in a respectful manner - I will hear it and decide for myself if it is useful for me or not. I may think differently about this than many others but I don't think a Ts role is to support whatever the client wants - for me, there is no point in consulting with someone if they only mirror what I already know or do myself. What did you expect when you shared this with the T? Maybe telling the T directly what you expect/would like might produce a more satisfying response... I don't know.

As for the housing situation, there would be very few cases where I personally would encourage a financially capable person, who is nearly 30, to live with their parents or even roommates unless they really like those situations. I don't think that's a very good way to socialize for a healthy adult, it is not voluntary. Living with others can undeniably teach someone tolerance and cooperation but that's very different from choosing a few mates and socializing with them for fun and enrichment. I still remember very well the time when I fist moved out of my childhood home where I grew up with my parents - it was one of the greatest joys of my youth. And I had a very decent childhood home and parents, it wasn't like I finally escaped something oppressive or even too unpleasant. Much later, I chose to rent a room and have roommates for a short while only because I had to move out of an apartment suddenly and did not have enough time to look for a good place, and I remember thinking in that situation many times how it was beneficial because it forced me to have tolerance and adapt to others. In some ways, it was easier not having to maintain a whole household myself. But it was not pleasant by any means and it increased my anxiety. Again, it was a great relief when I found a nice place for myself and moved out of the roommate situation. I actually think living alone (vs. with parents or roommates) can improve one's social life because we can be completely free and comfortable to invite friends or whoever, whenever we want.

[DP_2017]

My T and I had a few legit arguments, he got pissy with me and I argued back. In a way it was good for me, because I was learning to be assertive...

However.... it was never about something I wanted to do, he supported stuff, even if he didn't want to. Probably because I told him early on, I make my own choices, and I don't want his or anyone else's advice on decisions.....

Had it gone where he had though, I don't think it would bother me. It's one person's view. At the end of the day, you do what's right for you. You are the one living your life.

[Anne2.0]

I don't have the kind of therapist who gives advice, except that he knows quite a bit about herbal supplements and occasionally recommends something that he thinks might help me. But I think that's because I make my own tinctures and use other herbs so I'm open to that. I doubt he'd make such a recommendation if I wasn't into them. A few years ago he did recommend a light box which has been super useful to me and I use it every day.

The biggest decision I made recently, earlier this year, was to quit a part time job I'd had for decades (officially retired for the benefits) and do consulting full time. Some of the people in my life thought it was risky to not have any regular, guaranteed income but I thought it through, had my accountant crunch the numbers, and looked realistically at things. He did nothing but encourage me to do it, and remembered a few things I'd said in past years about how it could work, building up my own case for it.

I wouldn't do well with a therapist who said "do not do this" or "do this," but instead said "consider this possibility on the other side of where you're thinking." I can't tell from your post if your therapist is giving specific advice (do not move out) or if she is saying something along the lines of "I'm concerned that if you live by yourself, you'll have less social contact than ever."