[coolibrarian]

Last Friday, the mother of a girl that my daughter was and is still friends with, was found dead in her home. They think it had to do with her diabetes. She was only 62. I'm 59.

I wanted to talk, face to face, with T, but can't, so I just texted her, and texted her, and texted her. She didn't reply to any of those texts.

This is, for my daughter, the second death of someone she knew closely, from diabetes.

I probably won't go to the funeral, as it's an hour away from here, and it's supposed to be bad weather that day. I already expressed condolences on the friend's FB page.

BUT I WANT TO TALK TO T AND HAVE HER TALK BACK TO ME!

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs...I hope you hear something back from your T. I think it's maybe not just that she's your age, but also that she's a parent? I think that's part of why I was so affected by ex-MC's wife's death almost 2 years ago--She was maybe 7 years older than me and they have two kids (teens), so it hit me harder, because she seemed a peer in that way. It made me think about my own mortality and how it would affect my D and H if something happened to me, or if something happened to H.

[nottrustin]

So sorry Cool. Losing somebody close to our age often reminds us of our own mortality. I wonder if it is also triggering your fear of losing your T in light of her current medical issues?? Hugs!!

[SlumberKitty]

So sorry Cool. I wish your T was able to respond to you. Kit

[stopdog]

It would not bother me other than a general that is too bad for them sort of way unless I knew the person well. I would feel no personal sense of loss or anything.
It would not be the sort of thing I thought relevant to tell a therapist for myself.

[coolibrarian]

Today, just now, she took away texting. She thinks it is my ncreasing my anxiety. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, a funnel cloud of emotions. "Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;"--Yeats

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Today, just now, she took away texting. She thinks it is my ncreasing my anxiety. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, a funnel cloud of emotions. "Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;"--Yeats

Ugh, I'm sorry she took away texting when you're struggling with this. (Nice Yeats quote.)

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Today, just now, she took away texting. She thinks it is my ncreasing my anxiety. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, a funnel cloud of emotions. "Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;"--Yeats

Oh Cool, I'm so sorry. Kit

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Today, just now, she took away texting. She thinks it is my ncreasing my anxiety. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, a funnel cloud of emotions. "Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;"--Yeats

Oh Cool. I am sure T thinks she is helping you but I cant imagine how frustrating this must be for you.

[Waterloo12345]

Crikey, I guess she considers she's helping but why in the midst of a wobble?!

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

Crikey, I guess she considers she's helping but why in the midst of a wobble?!

What's a "wobble?"

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Today, just now, she took away texting. She thinks it is my ncreasing my anxiety. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, a funnel cloud of emotions. "Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;"--Yeats

On the original issue, my spouse's death in his late 40's was hard on all his same age friends; in our circle no one had died or been seriously ill. I think it felt like a little too close to home and made them concerned for their own mortality and examined what it would mean to leave their family behind. So they started going to their medical checkups (and one discovered a benign tumor and had it removed about a year later, that he said he would never have sought medical help for but he promised my H he would have it checked out). They also bought more life insurance.

On the texting, I'd really encourage you to realize how difficult cancer treatment is and how people can have just so little precious energy they can't necessarily deal with responding at all. Kindly, I'd say that perhaps your T who is facing her mortality if not soon, in a different way than most of us, might find it difficult and stressful even if she's physically feeling well (which I doubt). It seems a bit insensitive to ask her to help you with this as she is recovering from a serious, life threatening illness. And this person dying is not an emergency and although I can understand wanting to talk to her about it, I'd suggest it would be better if you could rely on your partner and social network for support. Perhaps you could benefit from some kind of temporary T who could provide additional support.

But that many texts in such a short period of time does suggest that your anxiety was increasing and it seems like a good idea to stop it. I understand that this feels like a punishment, having something taken away, but it doesn't seem like there is any argument that this is good for you or for her. Perhaps it could be better described as the natural consequences of going over a line.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

What's a "wobble?"

The Yeats quote in old English slang prob kinda 1920s/midwar/upper English class understatedness.

[Salmon77]

Do you think she may be right about texting increasing your anxiety? Is there a better way for you to get in touch when you want to talk to her, like could you schedule an extra session or maybe a phone call?

An acquaintance of mine died suddenly last summer—47 year old man, heart attack. It was upsetting, of course, he had a wife and child and I felt very sad for them. I talked to T about it the next time I saw him.

[coolibrarian]

Salmon77, my T is out on medical leave, and won't be back to work til at least mid-January.
Texting may have increased my anxiety, yes, but it was her idea, not mine. Of course, I was eager to talk to her, to make sure she'd come through surgery ok. If she wanted to take texting away, I think that, in the very least, she owes me an apology.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

On the original issue, my spouse's death in his late 40's was hard on all his same age friends; in our circle no one had died or been seriously ill. I think it felt like a little too close to home and made them concerned for their own mortality and examined what it would mean to leave their family behind. So they started going to their medical checkups (and one discovered a benign tumor and had it removed about a year later, that he said he would never have sought medical help for but he promised my H he would have it checked out). They also bought more life insurance.

On the texting, I'd really encourage you to realize how difficult cancer treatment is and how people can have just so little precious energy they can't necessarily deal with responding at all. Kindly, I'd say that perhaps your T who is facing her mortality if not soon, in a different way than most of us, might find it difficult and stressful even if she's physically feeling well (which I doubt). It seems a bit insensitive to ask her to help you with this as she is recovering from a serious, life threatening illness. And this person dying is not an emergency and although I can understand wanting to talk to her about it, I'd suggest it would be better if you could rely on your partner and social network for support. Perhaps you could benefit from some kind of temporary T who could provide additional support.

But that many texts in such a short period of time does suggest that your anxiety was increasing and it seems like a good idea to stop it. I understand that this feels like a punishment, having something taken away, but it doesn't seem like there is any argument that this is good for you or for her. Perhaps it could be better described as the natural consequences of going over a line.

------------------------------------------------------

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

On the texting, I'd really encourage you to realize how difficult cancer treatment is------------------------------------------
SO,now you're judging me, assuming I don't know how difficult cancer treatment is? My late mother had 2 kinds of cancer, my late niece had leukemia, my godmother had breast cancer, my mother-in-law had breast cancer, a co-worker had breast cancer, a dear friend from church has breast cancer that has metastasized into every organ of her body...should I go on?

and how people can have just so little precious energy they can't necessarily deal with responding at all.-------------------------------------------------------
MY T s not having chemotherapy or radiation. They simply removed four or five organs and a few lymph nodes, which were negative for cancer. In her case, once they removed the cancer in one organ and removing the organ itself, and removing the other organs near it was a precaution. Then they did some other things to her. I KNOW how difficult, painful, and exhausting these kinds of things can be; I don't have cancer, but I do have Sarcoidosis, chronic illness: pain, sweating, etc., lungs which will NEVER be normal again, watching some friends who have it fading away and dying, while others live with it for 30 years. In order to make my diagnosis, after many different types of scans, they finally had to do a VATS open lung biopsy, which is as uncomfortable as it sounds.

Kindly, I'd say that perhaps your T who is facing her mortality if not soon, in a different way than most of us, might find it difficult and stressful even if she's physically feeling well (which I doubt).-------------------------------------
Kindly?
I KNOW that this is stressful for her; it would be for anyone.

It seems a bit insensitive to ask her to help you with this as she is recovering from a serious, life threatening illness.-----------------------------
YES, DO remind me of how guilty I feel, asking for help! That's really supportive!

And this person dying is not an emergency and although I can understand wanting to talk to her about it, I'd suggest it would be better if you could rely on your partner and social network for support.---------------------------

WEll, I have started reaching out to friends, both online and off.

Perhaps you could benefit from some kind of temporary T who could provide additional support.-------------------------------------------------------
No. I am seeing a Pdoc, and he is talking with me a bit and he manages my meds. I don't feel warmth from him, although he has offered therapy if I want it. My T also suggested another T she practices with, but I don't want a transference with anyone else! I've been with this T for about 30 years.

But that many texts in such a short period of time does suggest that your anxiety was increasing and it seems like a good idea to stop it. I understand that this feels like a punishment, having something taken away, but it doesn't seem like there is any argument that this is good for you or for her. Perhaps it could be better described as the natural consequences of going over a line.--------------------------------------------------------------------------

YES, but SHE drew the line, and then SHE erased it. She didn't even come out and apologize. She just took it away because it was having a negative effect on me. Well, taking it away is far, far worse.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs...I hope you hear something back from your T. I think it's maybe not just that she's your age, but also that she's a parent? I think that's part of why I was so affected by ex-MC's wife's death almost 2 years ago--She was maybe 7 years older than me and they have two kids (teens), so it hit me harder, because she seemed a peer in that way. It made me think about my own mortality and how it would affect my D and H if something happened to me, or if something happened to H.

She has never been a parent.

[Anne2.0]

Personally, I think it is supportive to tell someone what you think. I do not believe in colluding and/or pretending that unreasonable behavior is anything but. If you don't want people to say something you disagree with, perhaps you might say so at the top of your thread. Or feel free to put me on ignore, which as you prolly know, prevents me from responding to your threads.

I think to say "they simply removed four or five organs and a few lymph nodes" is a serious minimization of her treatment and its likely effect on her. This is major surgery, probably radical surgery. To me your distorted perspective suggests having any reasonable discussion with you is fruitless, and I find people shouting at me in caps annoying as **** and I'm bowing out of this thread.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Sounds like your therapist probably shouldn't have extended texting during her medical leave. While it was kind to offer, considering the extent of the illness and surgery, it was probably very unrealistic on her part to think she could deal with clients during her recovery from such an extensive surgery and illness, particularly if the amount or content of texting has become problematic.

Sometimes we just don't realize how difficult things will be when dealing with a medical issue. It sounds like that may be the case for your therapist. I hope you can find a way to understand that your therapist needs to take care of herself right now and is having to put this boundary in place for her own health and well-being.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

She has never been a parent.

Wait, I'm confused--I was referring to the person who passed away, who you said was a mother of a friend of your daughter's. Did you think I meant your T?

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Sounds like your therapist probably shouldn't have extended texting during her medical leave. While it was kind to offer, considering the extent of the illness and surgery, it was probably very unrealistic on her part to think she could deal with clients during her recovery from such an extensive surgery and illness, particularly if the amount or content of texting has become problematic.

Sometimes we just don't realize how difficult things will be when dealing with a medical issue. It sounds like that may be the case for your therapist. I hope you can find a way to understand that your therapist needs to take care of herself right now and is having to put this boundary in place for her own health and well-being.

It's true that neither one of us knew exactly how to handle the situation.

But as to "extending" the texting...she didn't. The texting only began when she started her medical leave.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Wait, I'm confused--I was referring to the person who passed away, who you said was a mother of a friend of your daughter's. Did you think I meant your T?

Yeah, sorry, LT, I was confused. The woman who died was the parent of my daughter's friend.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

It's true that neither one of us knew exactly how to handle the situation.

But as to "extending" the texting...she didn't. The texting only began when she started her medical leave.

By "extending" I simply meant offering.

[RaineD]

Well, texting, texting, and texting your T while she's recovering from cancer surgery seems kind of inconsiderate.

I was allowed to text my T when he was sick, but I only ever texted to check in on him, see how he's doing. I'm pretty sure if I sent a bunch of texts about minor issues in my own life, he would have told me to stop texting.

[Sheffield]

OP-Simply removed 4 or 5 organs and a few lymph nodes
Not having chemo/radiotherapy

I believe everyone on this thread/forum understands the overwhelming/almost uncontrollable desire to reach out to a trusted “t” but some things are bigger than that and accepting /respecting this might help prevent more personal suffering down the line

I may get shouted at for this and so be it -

“First don no harm” shouldn’t just apply to those of us who have taken that oath

I am attempting to support you here