Couch 185: The Labyrinth

Sure he’s welcomed back. A few book shelves can be moved. Maybe you guys transformed the room too soon?

It will be okay. I’m sure he knows he can come back.

I have a chiropractor appointment today -but I am old.

I think it's too soon but lost that argument with h.

I'm pretty sure part of this melancholy is tied in with grieving the loss of the t relationship with L and thinking that I don't have the right to because it was a decision we made together. Like I'd only have the right to be sad if she'd ended it when I didn't want to. I know I'm being dumb. Of course I am grieving the loss. Therapy was a huge part of my life for 7+ years.

If you aren’t a 100% sure your son knows he can come back-maybe just telling him he can come back at any time will help you feel a little better?
I’m sure he probably knows though.

Here's my trouble causing dog.
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Awww what a sweet face!

Therapy is a huge part of a lot of people’s lives. It’s okay to grieve even though it was mutual decision. It’s hard not having that little safety net.

Beautiful dog.

It had been a safety net that's for sure. Thanks Jersey.

On my morning walk I passed an animal hospital with two separate entrances...one marked “cats” and one marked “dogs.”

Is she a samoyed? ( tail- northern ?) Pretty.

The one across the street from us is like that, too!

I’ve never seen that before. It’s a brilliant idea.

You're also working A LOT of overtime recently, which is another stressor. I know my mood can be a lot more variable when I'm tired and overworked.

I know that feeling of too soon. My dad has always had his own space, kind of like a study where he kept his books and a workspace for whatever thing he was into at the time. Shortly after he died, my mom was sending me photos. "Do you want this? What about this?" It felt too soon. I felt like she was removing him from our lives by clearing out his room, but I don't have the right to complain since it's not my house. It was just very distressing to me to think of his space being cleaned out. I can understand why you weren't ready for your child's room to be changed yet. Maybe leave something of your sons that is sentimental to you in the room.

Thanks for that - I bet the overtime does play in too didn't even think about that probly cuz I'm tired.... Thanks also for sharing about your mom.

Yes to that last... he threw away one of his old bass guitars that he wasn't able to fix so we rescued it frim the garbage and we're going to display it in there. He is hugely into his music.

Art you're going through a lot at the same time. A loss of someone at the end of the day is still a loss regardless of how that decision was made. You have a right to feel the way you do and it's not you being dumb at all.

A massage every now and then helps me. I've had upper back pain for for
a year and a half xD. Would that be something you'd consider? Though i'd also like to see a chiropractor like SD said.

In the wise words of Taylor swift:

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in".

My mom couldnt get rid of my dad's stuff fast enough either - mostly to clear the bedroom closet.

Displaying son's guitar is such a sweet idea

Practical me - doesnt he have a year's lease at his new place? Or does that make it worse? "My baby has a lease! "

I've had some ongoing issues with my homeowner's association. They have decided they want to enforce not having your trash cans visible. I had been storing them in front of my house behind a bush, but apparently that's not acceptable and I got an email about a month ago saying I had to do something else with them. The only other real solution is to store them in my garage. The problem is that my garage is a trigger for me. It's like this room-sized symbol of all my failures in life. It's where my husband was working on all kinds of strange projects that were sucking up all our extra money. It's where he would sit all night getting drunk and smoking. It's where he would yell and curse at me. It's where he threatened to blow up our house while holding a torch to a propane tank. It's where he "accidentally" caught the quilt my mother had made me on fire. I hate going in there. It's a huge mess. When they packed everything up after the fire, the things they wouldn't pack (chemicals, paint, that kind of stuff) ended up in a large pile in the middle of the garage. When they moved me back in last November, they just put up this huge wall of boxes right in front of the garage door. There's so much stuff out there that I don't even know what it is. Air compressors, a welding rig, all kinds of random crap he bought at goodwill for his projects.

I would be okay with putting the garbage cans in the front of the garage and accessing them from outside, but one of his "projects" involved removing our garage door opener, so I keep the door locked from the inside. The obvious solution is to have someone come install a new one. Ah, but that huge pile of crap is in the way. I would need to go out there and start sorting and throwing stuff away. And I don't know that I can handle that emotionally.

So now the HOA is going to start fining the trash can offenders. The amount they're charging is not bothersome to me, but I know I really need to deal with the situation like an adult. I've talked about this issue more than once with my therapist. One suggestion he had was to pick a day and time that I'm going to go out there and work and then he would call me afterwards for support. I wish he could come sit in a chair in the corner while I worked but I know he can't.

I'm trying to include a note with my annual HOA dues + fines explaining that I'm not being an a-hole, that there are reasons the trash cans are outside, but I don't want to explain to these people my mental health issues. I don't know how to phrase what I want to say. This is so stressful.

Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent.

Np - why not call 1-800-trash or whatever they are, and have them empty the garage for you?

We need to get rid of these physical burdens. Im not sure how they are connected to the emotional issues, but keeping the physical manifestations does NOT improve the situation. This is my lesson to learn in the new year.

Well, it's not all trash. There's stuff out there that I can sell for decent money if I can figure out what it is and where all the parts are, like welding equipment and air compressors. I also don't know what's in the boxes. It might be junk or it might be something of mine. The eventual plan, that my therapist suggested, was to get one of those debris bags that they come haul off when it's full. It's just that even thinking of going out there and doing the work brings up a lot of stuff for me.

He did a 6 month lease....

Grrrr I hate your HOA interfering. I can understand the emotional trigger of the garage. I also get overwhelmed looking at everything altogether but could you perhaps try to make a plan and set a target to work through one box a month.

I can't even do one box a month on the unpacked boxes inside my house. I feel like such a colossal failure. I moved back in 13 months ago and I've opened maybe 9 boxes. We tried to do a box a week and the first box was awful. The random mix of crap in the box was still covered with the oily, black soot from the fire. I got angry at my therapist because he's the one that suggested I do this so I passive aggressively brought him a set of wrenches and told him he got to keep the first thing I found. I wonder what he did with them?