[Jpstevens]

So I have been going to a therapist for about three months. During one of our sessions she used a term which I though was derogatory adjective for a lesbian and in another session she used a racial slur. I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to do. None of these statements were directed at me but one was about another client. I don’t know what to do. I feel like she is lacking professionalism but how do I address this issue.

Thanks

[coolibrarian]

Do you want to stay with this T? Or leave her? You can tell her to her face, or in a letter, how much those terms hurt you, even though they were not directed toward you. You could say something like, "I thought it was very unprofessional of you, and rude, too" or whatever you want to say. Address the issue where it is: WITH HER.

[SlumberKitty]

I would bring it up to her and say, when you said this I felt that. If she doesn't respond in a satisfactory way, you might want to think about seeing a new therapist. By the way, I see this is your first post. Welcome to PC!

[Ididitmyway]

This one is a no brainer to me. I'd stop seeing her right away. Not only that. If I heard any bigoted slur directed at any group of people whether it's race, sexual orientation, gender, age or anything else related from a therapist, I'd tell them what I think of them right in their face and I'd also report them to the board. I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for any kind of bigotry. This behavior should not be tolerated anywhere by anyone, especially in helping professions. This also violates the professional code of ethics and should be reported to licensing agencies.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

It really depends. My T uses 'weird' adjectives (not really derogatory, but still not really accepted ones in my language) for homosexual people. But I don't have an issue with it, even though those adjectives are directed at how I feel.

If YOU feel it's not okay, then either if you have a good rapport talk to your therapist, tell them how you feel and what bothers you, or otherwise search a good one. If you don't feel offended or bothered by what they say (though from your post I'd say otherwise), it doesn't really matter what the appropriate wording would be.

That would really bother me whether it is directed to me or not. Especially if she used those terms about another client, I think that is highly inappropriate and I am sure I would not leave it without telling her that. For me, language and discrimination like that would be enough to break up.

[nottrustin]

That would really bother me. I would ask her about it. As weird as it sounds some of the "unacceptable" adjectives for some groups is now acceptable, in my area, by the groups involved. For example, my husband is VERY French Canadian and some of what use to be considered and still is in some areas is now very acceptable and used by many French people including my husband and his family. Is this at all possible?? For a T to say derogatory things about certain groups would be really damaging to their career.

[downandlonely]

I would be very upset if a T used inappropriate words like that. I would definitely bring it up with her. If she doesn't change her behavior, then looking for a new therapist is probably your best option.

[AllHeart]

If she's talking this way about other clients to you, she's probably talking about you to someone else in the same manner. I personally would not trust such a person and find myself a new therapist asap.

[seeker33]

I think it depends on what was the context. I think some people are more sensitive to "political correctness" while others don't think much about it but they don't mean anything negative. Was your T trying to really offend those people, could you feel hatered, judgement... or was her message neutral and her only "crime" was not using the latest invention of PC culture language?

I certainly think many people are racists and bigots, but also the demands for using "proper" language are gettiing increasingly ridiculous. Basicaly anything that a person says nowadays can be interpreted as offensive. Even when I say I like breathing people with asthma could get offended.

So well... my point would be the whole context and the actual message she was trying to say, not individual words, especially if it's something that's commonly used.

If her message was indeed negative, if she was really judgemental and or vulgar, then I would stop seeing her.

[Taylor27]

That would bother me. I would talk to her about how using those terms bother you and if she comes back with a judgement or tries to defend her way of saying things then i would leave her. No therapist should be racial no matter what.

[Salmon77]

I don't think it's appropriate for a T to discuss other clients much at all, especially not specific ones, and especially not using derogatory language. If she's been helpful in other ways maybe it's worth bringing it up to her and talking about it, but it might be a good idea to start looking around.

[Jpstevens]

Thanks everyone for your input. The adjective she used to describe one of her clients I don’t think she met derogatory she was just trying to explain the situation, the racist slur just made me feel offended and disgusted that a professional would use such a word. I am still trying to decide if I wanna stay or go. My gut is telling me not to stay. I spoke to my pcp and was referred me to another therapist . I hate confrontation, something that I’m trying to work on so I’m not sure if I could confront her face to face.

[Rive1976]

Shes not supposed to be talking about other clients. How do you know she isnt talking about you behind your back? If she cant take people for who they are I wouldnt want to see her. My therapist will mention what maybe worked for a client or use an example of something I may have in common in the way of trauma but its for theraputic reasons. She doesnt mention names and certaintly doesnt talk sbout people badly.

[Jpstevens]

She said it in the context of what her client was doing to better herself and told me to try to pick a hobby that was out of my box. She never mentioned the clients name. I just feel like she could of used different adjectives and she doesn’t know my sexual preference could be, straight, a lesbian or bi.

[Ididitmyway]

Frankly, to me this has nothing to do with the context in which it was used. If someone feels comfortable to say bigoted slurs casually while they are trying to make a point, it doesn't make a slur any less bigoted. What it tells me is that the person is completely unaware of the fact that the word they used is offensive, which means that in their lexicon the word is normalized. To me it's even worse than when someone uses it intentionally, fully knowing that it's offensive, because in the latter case the bigoted attitude is consciously chosen and, therefore, can be easily seen and confronted. The unconscious bigotry is harder to see for what it is and to fight because the person themselves is unaware of what they are doing.

When the therapist is on such a low level of conscious awareness of how their words may sound to and be received by others (as you noticed correctly, it didn't even occur to her that you may be gay) and when they are so out of touch with where the society stands on social issues these days, I don't see how they can offer meaningful insight on anything.

By the way, I am not really a "social justice warrior" and a defender of the PC culture. I think, oftentimes, it goes too far to the point that things get twisted and issues are made out of nothing. But this is not that kind of a case. This is just pure ignorance on display.

Not to mention that, as others noticed, the therapist did breach confidentiality. She doesn't have to tell you the name of the client to do that. Just telling you about the other client's specific issues is enough to consider it a breach of confidentiality. The fact that it was done with the intention to help you doesn't justify it and doesn't change the fact that it's a breach, which is not only unethical but also illegal. There were better ways for her to illustrate the point. She could've just said that she had experience working with people with the issues similar to yours and some of the things that helped were A,B, C...fill in the blank. There are many ways to illustrate the point with examples without breaching other clients' confidentiality. Also, if she used another client's case to help you, she, certainly, wouldn't hesitate to use your case to help someone else. And, who knows what kind of adjectives she'd use to describe you to her other clients and, may be, not only clients..Ask yourself if you are comfortable with that.

Not telling you what to do. Just saying that to me the therapy would end right there without getting started.

Originally Posted by Jpstevens

She said it in the context of what her client was doing to better herself and told me to try to pick a hobby that was out of my box. She never mentioned the clients name. I just feel like she could of used different adjectives and she doesn’t know my sexual preference could be, straight, a lesbian or bi.

[sarahsweets]

Frankly I am surprised more people aren't immediately offended. I am not a knee jerk kinda girl but no way should the op sit and think about why they were said or if they were offensive. I do not think the op should weigh whether seeing her again is worth it or contemplate writing her a letter or using feeling words...its completely reprehensible and under no circumstances would it ever be ok. The thing is when people slip those "casual racist words" into normal conversation or worse yet a THERAPY conversation just think about what is unsaid? Think about what happens when she gets mad at this group? Think of how she would behave if she was ever upset by anyone in this group? Think about how unqualified she is really to do the important work of helping someone rebuild or heal or find their worth! Imagine how viral she would go if it had been caught on tape somewhere. If a company or eating place has racist employees people boycott these places so why would you ever go back ever again? I am sorry if I am so fired up but I truly cant believe she said things like that. I would report her and leave a bad review.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Frankly I am surprised more people aren't immediately offended. I am not a knee jerk kinda girl but no way should the op sit and think about why they were said or if they were offensive. I do not think the op should weigh whether seeing her again is worth it or contemplate writing her a letter or using feeling words...its completely reprehensible and under no circumstances would it ever be ok. The thing is when people slip those "casual racist words" into normal conversation or worse yet a THERAPY conversation just think about what is unsaid? Think about what happens when she gets mad at this group? Think of how she would behave if she was ever upset by anyone in this group? Think about how unqualified she is really to do the important work of helping someone rebuild or heal or find their worth! Imagine how viral she would go if it had been caught on tape somewhere. If a company or eating place has racist employees people boycott these places so why would you ever go back ever again? I am sorry if I am so fired up but I truly cant believe she said things like that. I would report her and leave a bad review.

Yup. My position exactly.

[Jpstevens]

So I guess I’ve always sorta questioned my sexuality and since the past thing happenedwith my therapist I feel I can’t bring anything up. I think deep down im bi-sexual. I love everyone. I’m feeling so sad and honestly don’t know if I can go on. I’m trying to get out of this depression it’s just all so hard

[susannahsays]

I would ditch this therapist without a second thought. I don't know if I'd be willing to pay for the opportunity to express my disgust, or if I'd just ghost. But we definitely wouldn't be working together anymore.