In Session Today: Part VI

i am sorry everyone that I have been so explicit, I wish these posts to be deleted. I feel like judging me and want me to leave, or just I'm too much or too weird to be acknowledged. I don't mean to whine. I'm sorry for being graphic and disturbing

That seems...wrong.
I don't think you've been to explicit. It is nice to see you posting again, don't leave!

You werent, imo. I was gonna say, you know ive been in lurve with your t for the longest time and everybody here gets explicit about Toby!! (her cat)

yeah, need more pics of said cat. Isn't it Boby?

I'm sorry. I'm having a melt down and I don't know what to do with myself at all.

what's going on? you can PM me if you like. If you can't tell by me spamming the forum, I'm available and borreddd.

I spent most of my therapy time this week going over the things that upset me last week. He is fairly receptive to criticism so it was probably productive. Usually my T and I get along well so I hope I can get back to complaining about career stuff and social anxiety next time.

Nobody thinks you're whining or that you're weird.It takes a lot of strength to talk about the really hard stuff.

Sometimes there are no words for pain.

... Although apparently a fairly high price tag.

Eating disorder tw, including numbers

We had a good joke in session over the saying " methinks the lady doust protest too much " which he stumbled over and it was funny. Then we talked about saying Shakespearean things to " bots " on forums programmed to argue with you ~ the bot doesn't know what to do with it. Not that I think there are bots here ( well , I hope not ) ATAT and Stopdog aren't Shakespearean bots surely ? So it was good though we had some difficult topics to discuss. He came through , as , rationally , I knew he would. Good feelings when they haven't been so for a while

thsts very sweet and shows he cares about you and your health

reply only if you want! I don't think there's any shoulds involved

thanks and yeah, it was really sweet and it made me feel cared about

I did end up replying.

The next day after I went to the store I just texted him a pic of the bottle as a reply.
I figured it was a reply that he would know what it meant ("see, I'm making good choices like we talked about and doing this thing I should be doing for my health") and showed that I got the text and appreciated it, but wasn't like a wordy reply and it didn't really require a response. I didn't want it to seem like I expected him to do therapy type stuff over text or like I was asking anything of him. I kind of hoped it would make him smile/feel proud.
He replied with a thumbs up emoji.
Seeing him again today.

Posted Monday's session (back after his vacation) here (please reply there, not here!)

Helpful session today. I said to R that I wanted to start by apologising, and I was going to explain.
‘As I came to the door, your e-mail came back to me, and I got the sense that you were reaching out for something you needed.'
'The simplest way of putting it is that family ructions have nobbled my chances of having any further contact with my niece.'
'I'm sorry to hear that, Lost. You mentioned her before, was she someone you saw regularly?'
'Not often enough, but…'
'Is it that someone you value has now been removed from your life?’

‘Yes, the latest in a long line of good things given and taken away. But what I need to talk about more happened last Wednesday.’
[Aside, to Critic: ‘I see you’re here already. Piss off.’]
‘I have got into a routine of going to the same café every week for lunch before watercolour class…that is the definition of a routine.’
‘I went in, ordered and sat down with the person supporting me. It soon became apparent that the person at the table to the side of us was having some kind of medical emergency. Pained noises, sobbing, ‘Stay with me, so and so…’’

I began to have trouble speaking, and grabbed R’s hand. She apologised…’I’m sorry, my hands are cold.’
‘We were sitting right by the door, and I was glancing over at it, trying to communicate to the support worker that I needed to get out of there. She then began telling me about something that had happened to her son or something that he had helped with, and I said “I am going to need you to stop right there, medical stuff is really triggering for me.’

‘I bet you wanted to tell her to shut up.’

R noted that whilst I was talking, it was almost as though I was reliving the experience, and asked me what I felt. She said she felt fear, and also freeze.
‘The fear precipitates the freeze response.’
She asked me what I am afraid of in those kind of medical situations, and said that I may want to reflect on that. ‘Obviously, it brings up horrible memories, that is a given.’
‘In the situation, I am having one experience, and then plunged into another…that doesn’t make sense.’
‘If I need clarification, I can ask.’

I went on to explain that telling people about Chris is a sign of trust. I had just got to that point with this support worker a few weeks ago, but hadn’t told her anything more. R said that she imagined me in that situation ‘Perhaps trying to convey the image to the support worker that everything is Ok, but you’re suppressing so much.’
‘I’m like a duck…calm on the surface, but when you look under the water…’
‘Their feet are going…’
‘I wonder whether the poem says it better.’
‘You’ve written something? Do you want me to read it?’

I passed R the piece of paper.
‘The line that sticks out to me is ‘This isn’t my emergency, but it may as well be.’
‘Yes, I tried to explain to Mum afterwards as much as possible. For three days that followed, it was a longer version of what happened when I found out Chris was…you know. My abiding memory of that experience – not on the same level as the bathroom scene - is being handed a hot drink and not being able to hold it because my hands were shaking so much.’
‘Off the back of what happened, I sent an email to the care company requesting that something be added to the plan they use.’
I told R that I never realised it was possible to sit with somebody and feel so alone. We talked more about the amount of energy I expend in trying to rationalise my emotions, and R offered that I might try to accept them.
‘I survived, but it isn’t that simple – at what cost?’

R mentioned that she had been reading a book by a Holocaust survivor who had said something similar.
‘Surviving is easy, it’s just…and then you deal with the aftermath.’
I noted the person’s name, but R said the book is quite descriptive. She offered that I might make my request to the care company more specific by mentioning that I struggle with medical matters. She told me that it is understandable that I would struggle in such a situation, and she thought she would also find it difficult to eat her lunch in that environment.

Saw baby T for the first time since my surgery. (Last session was on the 10th) and He started off by asking alot about my recovery and how I'm doing since I'm in temporary care with my mom.. things like that. We chatted about the crappy weather and stuff too a bit.

Then we got into talking about how I can really be direct/unfiltered with people..... and how I even asked the student dr who was helping with my surgery "Have you had much experience?" and how it can be as good thing but often times people can react poorly to it. He reminded me, as my T often did, that I can't control other people's reactions. I can only control my own.

We got more into T stuff, especially with regards to regret. I gave some specific examples of my regrets and even brought up the jealousy of his female co worker etc. I asked him "how much of this can I tell you before you say you have to report him" and he said he wouldn't unless it was sexual or I felt like I was genuinely harmed but even then, he would suggest we dissect it first before filing any reports. I stated I was not harmed, I'm just sad he's gone. I explained this is not me trying to rat him out or anything, I don't want that. I want to be ok with it and have hope for maybe talking again someday. He understood and agreed this didn't fall into a need to report thing

So that helped me feel better about sharing some of the stuff I dont share here that he did with me and it was weird at one point baby T said "I understand that it really made your friendship frustrating in the end then when he came off cold" FRIENDSHIP? Wow... it's weird he even seems to think that.

We talked about my goals with this and how I can work on re-directing my thoughts. He wants me to write a more specific list of my triggers, I could only name 2 off hand, and then try to remember it next time and work from there. I asked him as a professional who is newly out of grad school, his views on the 2 year thing. He was very honest with me which I liked. He said that it made a lot of sense from a industry standpoint because even though it isn't a rule or law, there is still that ethical thing and he explained WHY... and it's more so that, it gives both parties time to grow and do their own thing, for the client to not feel dependency on the therapist... and for it to feel more like a neutral thing. I asked him, if I was crazy to have even small hope about reaching out and asking to meet up simply to see how he's been in 2 years and he said no, not at all. He's heard of it happening. He said he liked that I was smart about just wanting the bear minimum and letting things happen naturally from there and he says he can help me get to a point where I can focus on me and my life and not this loss... but still carry the hope of maybe someday. Which is nice

I was open about my jealousy toward one specific woman that T planned to keep a friendship with and that was a good convo. There was one point where he shut the blinds because the sun was glaring and he was like "Gosh now I need my old man nap" and I nearly lost my ****. T and I joked CONSTANTLY about him being "old" and that was just really hard but I didn't say anything. I'll add it to my trigger list

Sadly he has nothing next Thurs but he had Monday pm. I didn't wanna go back so soon but eh... might as well. Otherwise he now has Friday afternoons there but afternoons are harder for me with my job. So I'm not 100% keen on therapy right now. I'm angry because it's not my T. I'm angry I have to deal with **** still, but he seems at least willing to really put in effort on it. So hopefully it can help. We also agreed not to bad mouth T. I said, he can tell me things if he didn't like what he says or whatever but don't talk negatively about him. I told him I'm still very protective of him and I'm not ok with that from people. They dont' know him like I did

So pretty decent session. On the plus side I was able to comfortably sit the whole time, which I haven't done much of since surgery and I managed the stairs well.

I like the sound of him, DP

First session after my T's vacation today.

First we discussed me meeting my parents this weekend. I said how my mom will probably be upset about my hair color. T asked what was wrong with it. I said it's green... he didn't notice at all and still had a hard time recognizing anything was off after I told him, even though it's really noticeable. I told him he needs glasses and he agreed.

We talked about them planning to move to the US. We talked about cultural difference between the two countries and what my mom thinks is nicer there than here. We also talked about my mom making mean comments about me having to study stuff for the first few months at work instead of doing 'real' work. He laughed at how she worded it. I mentioned how I wouldn't want to visit them if they did actually move, since I'm scared of traveling and he seemed to understand.

Then I got sad. We talked about that a bit, mainly a memory related to [/trigger] my suicide attempt about two years ago [trigger]. He was really surprised that we've already know each other for two years.
He guided me through some mindfulness exercises after that and I was able to calm down a bit before having to leave. He stressed that I can text him in case anything comes up.

I’m developing a clearer picture of how I am with T. All I can think is how frustrating it must be to work with me. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t TOO avoidant however, T’s silent refusal to enable my avoidance makes the walls I feel myself running into in therapy very visible. I wonder how much of T’s refusal to directly challenge me has more to do with caution on T’s part to not push me too hard too fast or if T is just deciding not to help.

This whole session felt like a dance around some big issues. T was definitely alluding to them but did not come right out and name them. I just have no idea how to start talking about them. Or how to know if I’m ready to or not. I don’t even know how to talk about this with T even though I know T would be more than happy to.

Bahh. This is therapy, I guess!

I had not seen the therapist for a while because she was out of the office for part of this week, and I switched sessions with C. So I hadn't seen the therapist since 2/19. I wasn't feeling too good because pdoc is tapering the snri and prescribed a new med. So felt sick and yuck. Told therapist so. Said C is better at dealing with this stuff. Whenever any of the physical stuff is a problem, I don't deal very well. Felt like crying but I didn't, so that was good.

I had planned to tell the therapist about my intention to grow weed in my closet. But it wouldn't have been any fun because I felt so icky. And I forgot anyway because I was feeling all gross.

And now I'm feeling like maybe it's time to have a good vomit, so that's all I'll say I guess.

Sounds like a good T and a good session.

I'm avoidant as well, so I relate. Have you tried writing things down? Does your T lead sessions? Both of those helped me although I did shut down often

Glad you're feeling better after your surgery. Not being able to sit without pain is a ___ . I think you did great with being open about what you do and do not want from therapy, and I think his suggestions are spot on. It seems like a helpful way to proceed, and I think it took gumption for you to go. I hope it continues to be helpful.

ED TW

He said the thought had occurred to him while shaving this morning wondering whether the cruel things I say to myself are things my father said when he was doing his rage thing (not quite how my T put it, and his (accurate) description made me flinch). I gave him the real answer about there being some overlap, but it having a lot more to do with the stuff with my mom.
I didn't comment on the fact that he said he'd been thinking about me that morning. It's definitely something that's going to be on my mind. Idk whether to bring it up next time.

Thanks for this! Glad to know I’m not alone. I do try to not be avoidant, I talk about how I’m avoiding things, and that always turns into an odd conversation because T will never outright ask what I’m avoiding.

It’s been a strange process. I’ve definitely written things down and that has helped, but the session always comes about me trying to read what I wrote (because that becomes a new obstacle, haha). T does not lead sessions and I think T is wary. T has led the sessions a few times early on and often things didn’t go well for me (I ended up dissociating, panicking, etc.).

I think the problem is that I feel comfortable enough with T to show up and have surface-level conversations, but I don’t feel at all close to ready to dig in deep. And it’s been about 9 months. I thought I’d be much further.

Ah well. Thanks for letting me ramble!