[here today]

In therapy? In interpersonal relationships in general?

I don't get it.

There are likely -- undoubtedly -- some deficits in me that make that concept seem so obtuse. Well, actually I looked up "obtuse" and that adjective is generally used to refer to a person, not a concept. So I guess I'm the obtuse one. Same difference.

Any clues would be appreciated -- either about therapy or about me.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I feel safe in relationships when I don't have fear. I don't fear being mistreated. I don't fear being manipulated for that other person's evil gain. I don't fear unfair judgment from that other person.

Safe relationships don't have to be perfect. The other person doesn't have to be flawless. They simply have to treat me with respect, approach me honestly and openly about their own needs and desires that might affect me, and keep judgments about me based on truth, communicating those concerns to me directly and fairly.

In therapy, I did feel safety. My therapists were always respectful, honest, straight-forward, and open. They explained to me what we were doing, why they were approaching me and my needs the way they were so it wasn't a mystery -- I knew what our mutual goals were, even when those goals shifted. There was always mutual dialogue and communication. They spoke honestly with me about areas of concern and possible improvement, helping me decide if I needed to make changes, and if so, they helped come up with a plan for how I might do that if I needed that assistance.

[susannahsays]

I have no idea.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I feel safe in relationships when I don't have fear. I don't fear being mistreated. I don't fear being manipulated for that other person's evil gain. I don't fear unfair judgment from that other person.

Safe relationships don't have to be perfect. The other person doesn't have to be flawless. They simply have to treat me with respect, approach me honestly and openly about their own needs and desires that might affect me, and keep judgments about me based on truth, communicating those concerns to me directly and fairly.

So well said....I would add that in a safe relationship, I can be as open as I want and need to be at any time -- I am not forced to share and on the other hand, when I begin to share, I don't get shut down.

I have had to examine a lot of my relationships lately, and since therapy ended for me about 8 months ago, I have been taking stock of a lot of relationships and finding that they are kind of crummy and some of them aren't even all that safe. But the situations where I DO feel safe are more and more precious to me. At minimum, I believe therapy should feel safe or what are we even doing there?

(like Artley said, that doesn't mean perfect)

[ElectricManatee]

For me, it's when I can be vulnerable (sharing uncomfortable things, being upset, etc) without fear of being belittled, ignored, or rejected. Sometimes the other person will respond in an unexpected or disappointing way (like if they really don't "get" it), but they won't be critical of me for expressing my feelings.

[DP_2017]

I never liked it either, because even though I felt safe/trusting that my T wouldn't hurt me physically, I'm no fool and I know humans can hurt anyone emotionally.... so that is always there. It felt safe but also anxious. I hated being stuck in the room. any time we were on walks, or did out of office sessions, or did sessions outside the room in any form, that's when I felt most safe, I felt safe with him generally to begin with but I didn't have the added anxious of feeling "trapped" in that small room.

I think it's just a line they use to get people to feel safe, even though it doesnt work for everyone

[SlumberKitty]

I'm not sure I know. I think I used to feel that safety with former T but then when we had to terminate and that safety is gone...maybe I didn't know what it was to begin with. HUGS Kit

[Omers]

I don’t have an answer for you but my T and I were talking about it yesterday. I explained I would not be able to “remember” a safe place or even “imagine” a safe place because I have never experienced it. “Safe” is too far outside my range of experience. My T is very humanistic in his approach and I could see the pain in his face when I said it. Having done a genogram he could understand how very serious I was. I am clueless. So I am struggling with that question too. I know T said that learning to trust “starts right here. With me”. Yesterday he added a big list of ways he wouldn’t hurt me. All of them I felt were true but then my mind began racing with other ways people can hurt eachother intentional or not.

[here today]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I feel safe in relationships when I don't have fear. I don't fear being mistreated. I don't fear being manipulated for that other person's evil gain. I don't fear unfair judgment from that other person.

Safe relationships don't have to be perfect. The other person doesn't have to be flawless. They simply have to treat me with respect, approach me honestly and openly about their own needs and desires that might affect me, and keep judgments about me based on truth, communicating those concerns to me directly and fairly.

In therapy, I did feel safety. My therapists were always respectful, honest, straight-forward, and open. They explained to me what we were doing, why they were approaching me and my needs the way they were so it wasn't a mystery -- I knew what our mutual goals were, even when those goals shifted. There was always mutual dialogue and communication. They spoke honestly with me about areas of concern and possible improvement, helping me decide if I needed to make changes, and if so, they helped come up with a plan for how I might do that if I needed that assistance.

Thanks so much. This is some very good information! Did you have what you considered to be "safe" relationships before your therapist? I did not, except for my late husband. It wasn't anything I even thought about, or had any ideas about. I was just always guarded. THAT'S how I stayed safe, sort of.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Omers

I don’t have an answer for you but my T and I were talking about it yesterday. I explained I would not be able to “remember” a safe place or even “imagine” a safe place because I have never experienced it. “Safe” is too far outside my range of experience. My T is very humanistic in his approach and I could see the pain in his face when I said it. Having done a genogram he could understand how very serious I was. I am clueless. So I am struggling with that question too. I know T said that learning to trust “starts right here. With me”. Yesterday he added a big list of ways he wouldn’t hurt me. All of them I felt were true but then my mind began racing with other ways people can hurt eachother intentional or not.

Good luck to you! Sounds like you have a T who understand the situation, and the process, hopefully.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

For me, it's when I can be vulnerable (sharing uncomfortable things, being upset, etc) without fear of being belittled, ignored, or rejected. Sometimes the other person will respond in an unexpected or disappointing way (like if they really don't "get" it), but they won't be critical of me for expressing my feelings.

What ElectricManatee said,

A growing number of professionals believe the key to building intimacy in a relationship is to show genuine vulnerability. Problem is, there is risk involved with being vulnerable and a very real chance of getting hurt. Because so many of us have been hurt, we approach future relationships with the scars of our past in the drivers seat. This is the damage that trauma does to our ability to connect and trust others. It is SO unfair. No amount of intellectual awareness can change these reactions - it is trauma and brain damage. But there are good people out there who are safe. The yearning for a safe relationship with another human being is normal and in all of us - and when therapy meets these needs it can make a tremendous difference to those of us who never had the privilege of a nurturing relationship built on positive regard and honesty. However, therapy is a relationship just like those in the real world and it is important to have realistic expectations so that when our therapist eventually DOES upset us, we will not be absolutely devastated.

THAT, I believe is the definition of safe place in therapy.

However, I am of the opinion that chasing that safety with another human being will only lead to more damage as our expectations will never be met. I suppose this comes from having been hurt time and time again and especially when most vulnerable.

I learned a bit about safe spaces in university last semester. There is plenty of research and literature about, "sacred spaces," and what it means. (This is synonymous with safe spaces) That it is a need in all of us and we all gravitate towards different things. Here is a link to a video about it, it is quite fascinating.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Rive.]

A place where you feel 'safe', where you can drop your guard, be yourself without fear.

A place which would feel like 'home'. Where you are accepted and respected.

I always saw the claim of "safe space" in therapy as rather pretentious. I feel safer with most significant people in my life than I ever could with a therapist. I actually don't even think that safety matters for me in regard to therapy as I see no possibility that a T could harm me in any substantial way, I would never allow that. To just talk about personal things, I don't need safety other than confidentiality.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Rive.

A place where you feel 'safe', where you can drop your guard, be yourself without fear.

A place which would feel like 'home'. Where you are accepted and respected.

Thanks, that sounds reasonable. Except -- I was not accepted and respected at "home", except in the relationship with my late husband. Then he died -- but that was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship, with a unique, some might say unusual, person.

So I have no internal reference point on what might be a "safe" place or relationship, in general.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I always saw the claim of "safe space" in therapy as rather pretentious. I feel safer with most significant people in my life than I ever could with a therapist. I actually don't even think that safety matters for me in regard to therapy as I see no possibility that a T could harm me in any substantial way, I would never allow that. To just talk about personal things, I don't need safety other than confidentiality.

What I bolded is an ability that I don't currently have, or more specifically, certainly didn't have 10 years ago and more. Didn't have a clue. The therapists I saw definitely didn't provide or model that for me, either. So, yeah, a pretty pretentious claim, I would agree.

[Rive.]

Agreed, that is why I used apostrophes with the word. The concept of home would be personal to each of us - i.e. any place we'd be accepted, respected - not necessarily the house/physical environment we grew up in.

It could be a physical place, a person (like what you felt with your late husband) or even an imagined place. Etc.

At least, that's how I would define 'home'.

[Ididitmyway]

Define "safety". If safety for you is a complete absence of any judgment or conflict, there is no such thing.

Even in the most caring and trusting relationships there are conflicts, criticisms, misunderstandings and that's how it's supposed to be. Otherwise, it'd be a paradise on earth and we wouldn't be able to learn and grow, because the only way to learn and grow is through dealing with challenges and painful experiences.

Safety is a relative concept. It does exist in genuine relationships where people don't feel pressured to play social games, but it has limits in every relationship. I feel safe in my marriage to be completely who I am. My husband accepts me with all my crappy traits, which doesn't necessarily mean he is happy with whatever I do. The same goes for me. I accept him for who he is, even though some of his character traits drive me nuts. Each one of us has defined our limit of how far the acceptance will go and so the safety goes with it, it has the same limit. So far, the space within that limit has been large enough for both of us to feel comfortable and "safe" in the relationship. But every now and then, some of us does something that crosses that limit and then we have a conflict, which usually gets resolved fast because we've learned how to work with it.

So, the point is that relative safety is necessary for a relationship to work and it's important for each person's well-being, but no one can expect absolute safety. We live in the real world of real limitations. People will always have limits of how much they can or are willing to tolerate. It's best when they can talk honestly and openly about it, because then it's much easier to resolve conflicts, to get what you need or to let go of the relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs.

Applying this to therapy, I hate it when therapists say that they provide a "safe space" because it's an utter lie or just pure ignorance. No human being can guarantee a complete safety in a relationship with another human being, so people should stop deceiving each other, whether they are therapists or not.

[here today]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

. . .
In therapy, I did feel safety. My therapists were always respectful, honest, straight-forward, and open. They explained to me what we were doing, why they were approaching me and my needs the way they were so it wasn't a mystery -- I knew what our mutual goals were, even when those goals shifted. There was always mutual dialogue and communication. They spoke honestly with me about areas of concern and possible improvement, helping me decide if I needed to make changes, and if so, they helped come up with a plan for how I might do that if I needed that assistance.

This does sound like a good example. Thanks.

(I'm not going to try therapy again, but your example stands in stark contrast to the kinds of things I experienced in therapy.)

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by here today

This does sound like a good example. Thanks.

(I'm not going to try therapy again, but your example stands in stark contrast to the kinds of things I experienced in therapy.)

I'm sorry that so many here have not had a positive therapy experience. Amazingly, I had three and I know I am fortunate that way. I did encounter several flat-lined or even negative experiences, but I was able to remove myself from those therapy situations pretty quickly. I hope if you ever decide to return to therapy, your experience will be a more positive one.

[MoxieDoxie]

A safe person (not place) is when that person will not use the information that I trusted them with, experiences, weakness, and then turn around and use them against me in some way. If they are a safe person I can be true, honest and let my walls and guard down.

To see that in someone takes a long time. That is why even though I am attached to my T I still do not fully trust him.

[SlumberKitty]

My Former T used to talk of "this" (the office) being a safe place. I never really "got it" or understood it. I used to tell her no where is safe. Kit

The main reason I hate these kinds of claims by Ts is because it's a hype, big words and probably most often the reality does not follow. When we truly feel emotionally safe and comfortable with someone, let's say with a close friend, IMO there is no need whatsoever to say it is a safe relationship and place to be open and vulnerable and people usually don't say that, just feel it - isn't it what would be a so-called "secure base"? Many Ts claim to provide that but how many times is it actually palpable for the client, especially clients who tend to have problems sensing interpersonal safety?