Backup T while regular T is out of town?

I appreciate everyone's feedback. Quite a mix of responses. I'll ponder it more and maybe ask T a bit more about it tomorrow, like curious as to how many of his clients have seen her.

So I talked about this with T yesterday, saying I would be interested in meeting with a backup while he was away and asking how exactly that would work. Like would I have to do an intake session with them? Because I wasn't sure how helpful that would be. He said normally it's because a client is in crisis so they would just address stuff to get them through that. So then it sounded like maybe this was just supposed to be for if I was in crisis?

I asked about whether it was OK to set up a session with one (he apparently has two) if I wasn't in crisis, just to have someone to give support during that week. He seemed to say that was OK. But said if I was in crisis, they could likely get me in the next day (where I thought I'd need to make appointment in advance). I said how some people on here had said seeing one could help me to get a different perspective on some stuff, and I agreed. He said that could potentially be confusing. And that if I ended up deciding I wanted to start seeing that T instead of him, it would cause an issue for him, because he wouldn't know if he could trust them as a backup in the future (I guess because they stole his client?). But then he also said if I wanted a second opinion to feel free to get that, I guess with a different T than one of his backups? I don't know...

So now I'm feeling much less sure about whether it's OK to just see one of his backups for a single session while he's away--I guess I'll clarify more Thursday? But then I'm also wondering, would it be worthwhile to see if one of the other T's I'd had on my "maybe" list might have availability? But I also wouldn't necessarily want to go with the intention of an intake session. I suppose I could tell them that I just want a bit of extra support while T is away and to also get a second opinion on something, see what they say? (Like in the email asking about availability that week.) Because then I'd feel much more free to talk about my T, for example.

Thoughts?

I don't like this much at all. Therapists should want all their clients to get the best support they need whether it is with them or someone else. That's autonomy.

I don't think you would be confused by a different perspective, you get many on here and you manage alright. You're an intelligent adult.

If you do try a backup, I recommend trying someone not recommended by T. Simply because your T1, MC and T have all known each other and meddled with each other's work and I think it would be a really good opportunity to get a fresh perspective away from that group of therapists.

Thanks. Yeah, that part you quoted both bothered and confused me, too. Because in the past, he's said that if I wanted to consult with another T, that was fine, or if I wanted to see a different one for a while, I was always welcome to come back to him later if I wanted, as, "I'm not going anywhere." Whereas this with the backups sounded almost like he was being a bit possessive, both of his backup T's and me, in a way. I mean, maybe these are people he's also friends with so it would bother him more if I went with one of them instead of some random other T? I don't know...

The only other thing that occurred to me is that maybe they're in the consulting group with him, which would mean that he'd (anonymously) told them about the whole stone thing, so...maybe that could be weird? Like, I don't know, they all seemed to support his reaction in the group (I think?), so if I brought it up with a backup T, and they told me something different...Hm, or I don't know, maybe it's not just about that, but about his colleague getting a more negative of him from stuff I shared. Because recently, when I was saying something negative about ex-T, he was like, "I admit I kind of wonder what you'll tell your next T about me..." He said it sort of jokingly, but I imagine there might have been more behind that.

Anyway, maybe I'll attempt contacting a few T's from Psychology Today, saying in the email what I'm looking for and seeing if they have any availability that week, just to see if I get any bites.

I posted earlier in the thread that I saw another therapist for a "consultation" during a difficult time for me when T was gone for a week. Told him afterward that I'd done it and how it helped me. I think one of the reasons why it helped me was because consultation T (who I very much liked) clarified and then was really clear about her role-- not as a current crisis but as an additional perspective on something I was struggling with in therapy. We focused on just that issue and it was really helpful to me. Five years later, I'm still seeing my T and haven't consulted with anyone else. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again, and I don't believe I would discuss it with T ahead of time.

I think this is one of those times that the communication between the two of you was confusing because (at least in part) you're operating from different assumptions. He is thinking the purpose of seeing "backup t" is IF you are in crisis that work. You are thinking about it differently, for support. The different purposes, or potential purposes, I think are clouding the issues.

I don't think you want the "backup" system T is envisioning. I think you want an appointment with another T for general support that week and as a fresh perspective. You don't need your T's help or permission for this one, whereas to be helped in crisis for his formal backup, it seems he needs to set it up. I think this is pinging for your authority issues-- there is no reason why, if you don't want the backup deal and just want to make an appointment that week with someone you think is compatible with you and might offer some general as well as specific assistance in where you are, you can do that on your own and I agree with Echos, outside your current T's domain.

I think there is another side to this, which is that therapy is a relationship and I think that a certain level of intimacy and openness need to be present to make it work most effectively (for me, not sure how widely this applies). I had a flash of feeling bad when I told my T I had seen someone else for a consultation without discussing it with him, yet he assured me I could see anyone I wanted anytime and didn't need to tell him. I said I would want to apologize if this had dishonored the relationship between us, but he said no.

I guess what I'd like to see you do is TELL your T what you are doing, either before or after, if you decide you don't want this backup system, which sounds rigid and not helpful. If he has a fit about it, I'd again agree with echos that this is a wrench in your autonomy that you should not accept.

I also don't like that your T seems to feel threatened by other T's.

That said, I'm not sure it would help to see a backup T for just one session unless it is a crisis.

I find his response kind of odd. It seems like he shouldn't mind if you liked "his" backup T better and switched to them because he should encourage you to get the best "fit" you can find. (Or more accurately, he can be hurt but deal with it himself, rather than persuading you to feel guilty or not do it.)

The impasse I discussed with backup T actually did have to do with my T and her boundaries (or what I perceived as her infuriating rigidity at the time ). Regular T actually encouraged me to discuss the issue with backup T because she thought maybe an outside perspective would help me get unstuck. I had the sense that my T felt confident about her perspective and how she conducts herself in our relationship, so she wasn't bothered by her trusted colleague weighing in.

I also had a period recently where I was really upset with my T (for vague reasons), and I spent an angry evening looking through Psychology Today for new prospects. After I calmed down, I told her in session that I felt guilty, like I had downloaded Tinder when I was already married. She asked if I had found anybody who looked promising, and I told her that I was half-considering [this guy who rents office space from her who I happen to know is a close friend hers]. Then we joked about me sneaking around with her colleague in her own office suite. Granted, we were joking and I wasn't really thinking about switching, but she has said before that maybe I could consider working with him on stuff with my father. (I think she thought I would develop paternal transference, but I bet she's wrong.)

Anyway, my point is that it seems weird that your T would be uptight about any of this. I hope you are able to clarify his position in the next session, but I also hope that you do whatever feels right to you.

Good luck with whatever you choose, if you go with her, remember its only once or twice. You don't need to mention the stone, or anything else you could be worried she knows about.

If you end up thinking somehow she is a better fit for you, maybe even in the sense of talking about your issues with current T, other than to him, then go for it, he doesn't get to control what you do. You do

I personally wouldn't.

Thanks, EM--helps to hear your experiences and that you also find it to be weird. I think it's particularly confusing because he seems fine with me seeing a different T for consultation, just not his backups. Or maybe he's not as fine with it as he acts, but feels like he has to say it. I'm thinking I'll see if I can find a non-backup T to see for a session that week, so that I feel I can freely discuss anything with him (would keep my T anonymous).

One time EX T was going on vacation and asked me if I wanted to see the boss T while she was gone for that week. I just looked at her like she had 6 heads and asked why I would do that. She said she figured I would not want to but had to offer it to all her clients as an option. She said most clients would only do it if in true crisis.

The idea of seeing a different T the week T is gone to get a different perspective on some issues may be worth it but if the one off session is going to be just intake info then it’s not worth the time and money. It’s really up to what you decide for yourself. I honestly just wouldn’t unless I knew I couldn’t live through the week but everyone needs a different level of support at different times.

Yeah maybe T was surprised that I was taking him up on it. I do think I may try contacting a few other T's, then if they might have availability, clarify that I just want to come for one or two sessions to address a particular issue (not even saying it's about T), could we do that without a full intake session?

As a side note, T's really need to have people assess the pic they put on Psychology Today--like maybe try to tone down the crazy eyes!

LT

There are so many pics that make me uncomfortable on there that I wont even click the profile, so I very much agree, they should all seem more approachable at least.

YES! We have a go-to professional photographer who has done pics for our family, and it is ABSURD how much better we look when she takes the pictures! So many therapists need to shell out for a professional headshot. I bet it would cost less than a hundred bucks and would almost immediately pay for itself.

OK, I emailed like 8 people--let's see who gets back to me first with availability! (It's fast when you're sending the same email to everyone...)

Ha I did the same, my email was kinda harsh and demanding but i wanted to weed out the people who would not be worth bothering at all

Good luck, hope you find a good match for your needs! (someone not too far or pricey too would be great!)

Mine was fairly basic, though mentioned the short-term thing. Figure if they get back to me with availability, I can give more details (not my T's name though). And all are within 25 minutes of me, I think--my area is pretty saturated with therapists!

Oh, already got one reply with availability! (fairly young woman, so hoping less potential transference issues...) Waiting to see who else writes back.

Do you know what I was thinking when I did my search? Young women MIGHT be ok for me... since I have young female friends, although I am not open with them, I don't feel as judged or threatened by them. The women I tried with the dog was young. I may consider that option more after therapy if I'm still searching

Good luck. Maybe you will find someone overall that's even better fit for your needs than current T

Hey LT, I hope you find some good potential candidates in your pool of Ts that you emailed. I think some might be willing to do a consultation, or as a stand in when your T is gone. From my experience, I didn't have to be in crises to see a backup T. The way my former T put it, was I was welcome to see her back up T if I thought it would be in anyway helpful or beneficial. I wasn't necessarily in crises, but I did take her up on it when she was out of the country because she was gone for a few weeks and the continuity and routine helped as well as getting a different perspective on a few issues. I still went back to T when she came back. I thought that was what your T was talking about when he mentioned a back up T. I was surprised that it seemed like he meant it for crises. I hope you can talk more about it with him, if you want, and get better closure on the issue. HUGS Kit

As a quick update, I'm seeing one of the backup T's I contacted for consultation today (she had a cancellation) and cancelled with my T for tomorrow (I told him I needed a little time to think, but to keep me on for Monday). So, we'll see...I did tell the T I'm seeing today a bit more about what I'm looking for, that it's consultation about my current therapist, and she said she'd be happy to help. Bonus: She's considerably cheaper than my T.

I hope it goes well LT.

Thanks, Lemon! I feel a bit like I'm cheating on T, but he said before it was fine if I wanted consultation, so...

I felt exactly the SAME way when I saw another T recently and I get it, but you have to do what's best for you. I think getting another outside view can be helpful when you're stuck inside the circle.

What time is your appointment at?