[goatee]

A year ago, my T suddenly told me she was changing boundaries (not specific to me, for everyone) and taking away something I had relied on having since I began seeing her but had very rarely used- basically, her being willing to stick me in for an emergency appointment that day if need be. I was very upset given the situation going on in my real life. My T understood and decided that she wasn’t going to make that change for me at the time until this particular thing in my outside life changed (which it still hasn’t, sadly). Her decision meant a lot to me. This whole last year, I’ve carried the knowledge within me that I had that available to me if need be. I never asked for it because I knew it was rough on my T when I do and that matters to me very much, but I always knew I could if absolutely necessary.

Well, this week, an emergency came up, and I did ask my T. She didn’t offer me a same day appointment as she used to and as she had told me that she would. When I found the guts to ask her about it, she told me that she absolutely doesn’t do that for anyone anymore, that it’s a change she has made, and that she doesn’t remember making that decision/exception for me. She said that her memory is terrible (she has always told me this), that she knows my memory is excellent, that she believes me, but just that she’s sorry she’s disappointing me. She is willing to stick me in for a very brief phone call, she’s willing to commit to that, but she also says that she doesn’t think that will be helpful but she’s willing to try it.

I’m left feeling very shaken up that I’ve counted on something for a year and held it dear and that she doesn’t even remember now. And then, that once I brought this to her attention, she doesn’t seem unduly concerned about it and is just leaving it be. I feel guilty for being upset because my T does so much for me, but the truth is I’m devastated by this. I’m just trying to figure out what to think and what to do... how to swallow this and still trust my T.

[Out There]

Sorry you're feeling like this. It's feelings coming from the past , probably when you're young , of things being taken away and you feel let down , or rejected , unworthy ( all painful feelings ) If your T is good you will be able to explore where they come from , and hopefully resolve them. My T told me we respond from a child's feelings of not knowing how to deal with this , and need to get to how an adult would respond ( without the child's hurt feelings. )

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry about this goatee and I hope you can explore these feelings with your T.

[goatee]

Maybe it is young parts. But I wonder, also, wouldn’t anyone be upset about this? Isn’t it reasonable to be upset about this? And even if it is young parts, maybe the young parts need to be respected and taken into consideration and cared for. Maybe T shouldn’t be doing this. Sigh. I don’t know. Just babbling and thinking out loud.

[sarahsweets]

Are you saying she tried to make this change a year ago and you objected and she said she wouldnt make it for you until things cleared up for you and now it is a year later and you need an emergency appointment?

[Anne2.0]

I am having a difficult time seeing how trust is implicated here, unless it is trust over her memory. People do change how they run their businesses, including therapists, from time to time. Hopefully, as with your T earlier, she explains it as something about *her* and how she needs to do her work. I don't see a therapist who changes how she does her work (I've been through several iterations over the years with mine, and while I don't like it, it doesn't impact the therapy), is somehow "mistrustful" because relationships are dynamic. Individual people and the dynamics between them are not robotic, and people can and do change.

I think there's a lot of similarity between this issue of your therapist "taking something away" and other threads posted here recently or more distantly. It's an issue that comes up a lot. It's possible this isn't about the frame you're using to make sense of it, which is "trust" and "taking something away." I'm sure you agree intellectually that your T can run her business any way she sees fit. It isn't personal, in that it's not being taken away from *you* as opposed to others. But it feels personal, it pops you through some kind of bad-feeling trap door that may be rooted in something historical, as it is actually or symbolically connected to the past in ways that might not be obvious now.

So you can either end your difficulty by leaving this therapist because she won't do what you want, which is a perfectly legitimate choice, as is any other. You can work with someone else who does emergency appointments, at least for now, but there's no guarantee in the future that therapist will keep her business or your therapy static and not "take something away."

Or you can see this issue bugging you as an opportunity to learn something about the thing that is not about your therapist "taking away" emergency sessions. It may lead you somewhere interesting. I'd at least be curious about where this comes from, as any overreaction in my experience is based on something that both doesn't sit right with me in the present and is made more painful by something being pulled from my past. The overreaction is like a message from your self to pay attention to this thing, but in my experience, the thing isn't about the present, it's about what the thing means according to my past.

[goatee]

Anne, thank you so much for this. This has really given me a lot to think about.

I think trust is implicated here in two ways. First, I totally see your point and totally agree that people are allowed to change how they run their businesses, including therapists, and that relationships are dynamic. That said, I do think therapists should be pretty careful and sensitive not to change boundaries like this when doing trauma work, especially intensive trauma work. Over and over on this board, we’ve seen people hurt terribly by therapists suddenly changing their boundaries. I really wish therapists would understand more just how detrimental this can be and yes, how it can shake up trust.

Then secondly, in my specific situation, yes, my trust is definitely impacted by her not remembering. I totally understand that everyone has a different strength in terms of their memory, and I know her memory is lousy. She has been very upfront about that. But to just totally forget something that was so important to me? That I held onto all year? And then to not even have a vague memory of it once I reminded her of it? That really upsets me. I know it’s not her fault. I don’t blame her. It’s just an is thing. But it does leave me very shaken up and upset.

And third- I just realized there’s a third way this impacts trust as I’m writing- it really upsets me that given the misunderstanding, given her forgetting, that she’s not willing to go more out of her way now to make it right. That she’s not more upset with herself about it, not more recognizing that this is a mess up, not more willing to make it okay. That really shakes up my trust too. Because we all make mistakes sometimes. That can’t be helped. No one is perfect. But how we then react to those mistakes is so critical.

And finally- one more way- it makes me have doubts because I’ve never abused this privilege. I mean, literally in a year, this didn’t happen a single time until this week. So, it shakes up my trust and makes me doubt the sanctity and realness of our relationship- that, given how rarely it’s an issue, she’s not more willing to be flexible and reasonable about this.

And one last way- this is really it now- I’m hurt because she knows that my real life circumstances right now are in the midst of a true urgent situation. So, it seems lousy that she’s making this choice given that. Especially since she would also know how much it would hurt me and upset me.

All of that said, she’s a wonderful therapist and I’m not at all considering leaving. Our relationship is very important to me. I’m just very hurt and shaken up by this and trying to figure out how best to sort myself out about the situation and also how to discuss it with her more.

[satsuma]

I think this would shake me too, and I'm sorry it happened.

I was just writing on another thread that I'm allowed to contact my T when he's away on holiday, but usually I don't. But it is the knowledge that I *could* contact him that helps me feel safe and secure. I think it's like the child who is happy to go off and explore the world because they know where their caregiver is and that they can go back to them when they need to.

It's about trust, isn't it? And I know for some of us that is very difficult. It does sound from what you wrote that your T is basically a good T, but unfortunately forgetful?

I hope you can work things out with your T.