[krazibean]

**SI Mentioned***

she had a band aid on her wrist today. not just a normal sized one, like a square one, where someone would cut themselves. on her left arm. shes right handed. her eyes looked kinda tired today. like maybe she was crying the night before... do you think she slipped and SI'd? we were talking about my SI today and how when i did it, it didn't accomplish anything. is she being a hypocrite? maybe even healthy people slip... my question to you is would it be totally wrong for me to mention it to her? maybe like in these words.."i know its totally none of my business so you don't have to give me an answer, but i noticed a band aid on your wrist last time, did you slip or something?"
something along those lines... i just want to know if she's ok, like how can she help me if she's not. do i have a right to know? it was in plain view. what do you think...

[Cyran0]

If the band aid is there you could try, "what happened to your wrist?"

Cyran0

[jacq10]

Yeah i wouldn't necessarily assume that it was SI ... it very well could be, but i think a more general question about what happened would probably be better. That way, you don't put her on the spot...

I would not ask her. I am an intern therapist who also has problems with SI. When SI, I normally do it in places that cannot be seen. There are times when in the moment, I have not consciously realized what I was doing, and made a cut on my wrist or my arm. I have had to put a bandage. When people ask me, "What happened?" I get very, very, very uncomfortable. The chances that something other than SI happened to cause her to put a bandage are pretty high-- but you never know.... and you do not want to make her uncomfortable. Maybe she got hurt, fell, needed stitches... and she looks tired because she had to get it taken care of. I am living proof that it is possible to slip (a lot) and still be able to do work with patients. Is there any reason besides the bandage to think that your T SI'ed? Has she talked about that before?

[Perna]

I think it is an odd place to cut. I have burnt myself there on oven racks, cooking, and other "natural" things.

Your T may or may not have similar symptoms to yours but that does not make her a hypocrite? All of us here are advising one another on how to work with our symptoms and problems and that's all a T is doing but from a more trained viewpoint. If she does SI, her "understanding" of your problems and feelings about it would be that much better, I'd think, than a T that does not. Too, it's the underlying problems we are supposed to be addressing in therapy, not the symptoms so much and no one has the same underlying problems?

[krazibean]

i know she used to SI when she was sick, but the way she talks she seems to have a much healthier mindset i can't see her SI. i dunno, maybe she slipped but i can't believe she let it be so visible. the band aid made it even more noticable. hmm

[sunrise]

Wow, krazibean, that is a tough question. I think if my T had a really noticeable bandage and it was large, I might ask him, are you OK, what happened? But if it was just a band-aid, like he cut himself shaving or something, I probably wouldn't remark on it. I had 2 moles removed recently on my neck and had bandages on for 2 weeks. He never asked me about my bandages so maybe he doesn't like to discuss bodily wounds, lol--you know, too personal. Part of it depends on your relationship with your T. Are you open and is she used to sharing personal information (self-disclosing)?

One of the main problems I am working on right now in therapy is my divorce, and it has been so helpful to me that my T has gone through 2 divorces (first as a child when his parents got divorced and second as an adult from his partner). These experiences give him firsthand information about my problems. He's been there, done that, really can empathize and offer insights that are right on. It really helps me when he shares from his own direct experience. I don't know if it would work the same with SI or not, if your T would share about that and give you greater insights into your own situation.

I would definately not ask. I don't think a T's body is my business. It's up to them to take care of it - not up to me.

It's very nice of you to be concerned...but IMO, I think it's best to ignore it.

Campy

Really, sometimes my patients have asked me about a bandage and I get very flustered. It is my own problem for having cut there in the first place and a lot of my patients do not know any better because of the state of mind they are in.

Like Campanula said, it is good of you to be concerned but I don't really think you shoould bring it up. If there is a chance that it was SI, this might make her extremely uncomfortable. Plus, it's your therapy, not hers... and you don't want to turn in around to her issues.

[krazibean]

i know your probably right in that its her body and her business. but its gotten to the point where it's affected me. like i really can't get it off my mind... if shes supposed to be a role model and a healthy person for me to look up to, how can i after that. i wish it wasn't visible and i just didn't know it was there. but i saw it. and i saw her eyes. they just screamed at me... she has been self-disclosing about her E.D before because i have problems with that. but i don't want to make her uncomfortable. on the other hand why would she wear a 3/4 length shirt on a snowy winter day? she could have easily gotten away with a long sleeve to cover it. its just really getting to me...

[scott88keys]

I don't think it means she's a hypocrite--just a regular person like us with her own issues (possibly--maybe it's just a mole removal like someone said). Obviously having her own issues makes her better relate to people with problems. Kinda' makes her more human. I know I put my current therapist on a pedastel like he's got it all figured out and his life is perfect, but he told me (three years into therapy) that he's a recovering alcoholic. Not that he went into detail, but he wanted me to realize that he's been through tough times and came out on the other end. He's always reminding me that he went through 12 years of his own therapy, as a client, before he went to grad school. Just makes him more human to me.

If it's bothering you, then ask--as a therapist, she'll know, or should know, how to answer. Most if not all therapists have supervisors who provide guidance.

Maybe it's nothing. I slipped once and got a nasty cut on my wrist and wore a huge bandage for a couple weeks--left more of a scar than my own purposeful wrist cutting.

I am just a little concerned at the amount of self-disclosure you indicate that your T is doing-- because now it is has gotten to the point where you see this bandage, you associate it with someone she has told you, and now you can't get it out of your mind.

If she did SI, why does that make her any different? Suppose it was SI-- wow, then she must have been going through a hard time, but was still able to come to work and do her job-- that sounds like a pretty good role model to me.

Please try and think of the other things it could be besides SI. It sounds as though you have completely made up your mind as to what happened.

Now my opinion has shifted-- Before I said NO WAY don't ask her about it, it will make her uncomfortable. But now that I can see that it is dominating your thoughts and might interfere with the therapeutic process-- I would say something. Maybe instead of asking her directly about what happened, tell her what is going on for YOU in regards to this. It is up to her how she wants to handle the disclosure or absence of disclosure. I do believe that anything interfering with the therapeutic process should be mentioned. Initially I saw the title of the post which is "curious about T"-- that is why I was against saying anything... because it was just curiousity. Now it has become so much more than that for you, but again, I encourage you to talk about how this is affecting YOU-- it is your therapy, not hers.

[krazibean]

yea sorry pink maybe my title didn't quite fit the post. she has done a good amount of self-disclosure, but all related to what i'm going through, and only if i ask. its not like she sits and talks about herself for an hour, thats not it at all. i told her i like it when she tells me stuff. but she did say that she used to be very sick, and she said "you name it, i did it" so im guessing that means shes SI before. if she did SI, it doesn't make her differnet, no, but it makes me look at her different. shes more human i guess. it just kinda scares me. i think i have to say something now. it's gotten to the point where i need to. i just dont want to offend her or have it come off the wrong way like it did in this post. but your right, its my therapy, so i shouldn't be worried about how she will feel if i bring it up. ..right? but its hard because i really care about her so i DO care how she will feel. ohhhh therapy. so complicated.

[jacq10]

Well the way i would look at it is this; If she did SI, don't you think she would go more out of her way to cover it up? She would probably be wearing the super-long sleeved shirts, or at least not put an obvious bandage over it on an open arm. She wouldn't be leaving it in the open to question, if she didn't feel comfortable justifying an answer to people.
But if it's really bothering you, then maybe ask her what happened, so that way you can move past this, because I don't think she would want you fussing over her arm - especially if it's causing you this much trouble.

[Rapunzel]

Elephants in the room need to be acknowledged. When there is something that obviously concerns you or distracts you, then it's important to mention it so that you can spend your time and energy on the reasons you are in therapy, not both of you trying to be polite and not say something that might make the other uncomfortable.

My T used to SI, but has said that she is "fully functioning" now, and it is pretty clear that she expects me to be past using that coping method by now. Not that she looks down on anyone for SI or other unhealthy coping methods. The first time I told her that I was a self-injurer (before I started therapy) she was very nice about it. Once I did start therapy, we talked about it more and she said at first that she couldn't ask me to give up SI entirely right then - only not to do anything requiring medical attention without contacting her first. So, she has been very understanding.

I like to glance at her scars when she wears short sleeves. It gives me hope that she knows where I have been because she was there too, and she found her way out. One time I noticed that she had new scratches on her arm. She saw me notice that, and told me that a cat scratched her, and she also said that I thought she had slipped (I was wondering), and that I wanted it to be true that she had. That was quite an interesting little confrontation. I probably would not have said anything out loud, and I am glad that she did. It needed to be acknowledged, or I would have kept on wondering, or maybe I would have created my own theories and stories about how and why she slipped, and if she did, then she can't say anything if I slip again at any time. I would have reasoned that I never have to really get better, because she claims to be better and there she is with a scratch on her arm. I would have created a delusion that I could use as an excuse forever.

If your T is a good therapist, she won't be a hipocrite. She won't lie to you, and won't expect something of you that she doesn't hold herself to, and she won't look down on you for what you do to cope. It's not likely that she SIed, but therapists are not immune to mental health problems by any means. Hopefully they commit themselves to the same standards of honesty, openness, personal growth, healthy coping, etc. that they ask of us. It is important for us to know that about them. While they should not use our time for their own need to talk about something, they also should model the openness that they expect of us, and not have secrets that they have to hide.

[Kiya]

i have seen a bandaid on my T's thumb, and asked "What ya do?" and she just told me that she chews on her nails when stressed and chewed it to the quick. On one hand i was glad she told me (sharing), on another, i felt i was part of the stress and felt guilty for being there.
kiya

[krazibean]

thanks rapunzel, your post was helpful. i totally agree. if its true that she SI then i will probably create a delusion to use as an excuse. but i won't know until i talk to her about it. i hate elephants in the room. your lucky your T brought it up on her own.