[DP_2017]

I get uneasy posting things here sometimes but I am really looking for some advice, with my surgery recovery I haven't been able to see baby t since the 10th and I'm supposed to Thurs but it depends how I feel

Anyway.... after a lot of thought, I realize the core issue I struggle with over losing T is so much regret. I don't know how to deal with it so I can move on and stop having this issue over my head.

Any advice?

[toomanycats]

Mostly a lot of talking about those regrets with your current T.

I wish I had some advice. Hugs.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Mostly a lot of talking about those regrets with your current T.

I will when I am able to see him again. He's got tons of stairs and I haven't worked on stairs yet so I gotta before Thursday

[stopdog]

There are a lot of suggestions that come up from googling it:

How to Overcome Serious Regrets: 14 Steps (with Pictures)

Dealing with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

[Waterloo12345]

What is the class of regret? That may affect how you go about getting over it.

[DP_2017]

Thanks. Good info there. Baby t does CBT and one of the links suggested that. Maybe it will help

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

What is the class of regret? That may affect how you go about getting over it.

What do you mean exactly?

[Waterloo12345]

I meant what exactly ate you regretting? But I know you are cautious over sharing so I didn't want to ask for detail just an overview.

Like do you regret you didn't tell him you wanted to move the relationship out of the therapy room or do you regret meeting him at all. Or regret the lost opportunity to have fun/be vulnerable with another person.

I just wasn't sure what you regretted and thus how to try help.

[nottrustin]

Good question.

For me, I keep reminding myself that the things I regret are things I handled to the best of my ability at the time. There's nothing I can do to change what happened in the past. I can, however, learn from it and hopefully grow. It 7s really hard though.

[DP_2017]

We did talk about the future and friendship. That's why he claims to be open to contact in 2 years

Mostly....things I didn't say in final sessions. Things we didn't do but talked about. Things we did but I feel I could have done better and hopefully have a second chance

I shut down often because I was too worried to lose him but so many things I wish I had told him, especially how I feel about him etc

[guilloche]

*hugs* I find regret hard too. I don't know your full story, so please forgive me and ignore this if it doesn't make sense... but here's some of how I deal with regret...

First, I look back at the situation and try to determine if I made the best decisions that I could, given the information that I had. Sometimes, for me, what I really regret is the *outcome*, but not necessarily my own actions. My actions may have led to a bad outcome, but in that moment, if there was no way that I could have known or expected that, then I can't really blame myself. (Another way that I look at it is, would I do the same thing today, IF I had the same information as I had then - not the info that I have now about how things turned out!)

- If there was something that I wish I had paid more attention to or done differently, I try to take that as a learning point for the future. Right now, with my last T dumping me, I look back at the red flags and wish I had noticed them much earlier. So, I'm thinking through what those were, why I ignored them, and what I should do differently in the future. While I can still regret what happened, this helps me feel a little better, because it feels like I'm learning from my mistakes so that I don't repeat them.

- If part of your regret is judging yourself, think about how you would react to a friend who did the same thing. Often, we judge ourselves more harshly than we would a friend... so try to remember, everybody makes mistakes (and it's normal/human! We can't be perfect, can't know everything, etc.) and be kind/forgive yourself.

Not sure if these apply for your situation, but that's what tends to help me.

*hugs* hope things get better soon!

[Out There]

Feelings around something like this are really complex and take a while to untangle , new T sounds good. We do learn and grow from these things.

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS...I wish I had some advice. It's hard because it's easy to look back and say what if or whatever. But you probably did the best you could in the moment. And you gotta hang on to that. HUGS Kit

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Good question.

For me, I keep reminding myself that the things I regret are things I handled to the best of my ability at the time. There's nothing I can do to change what happened in the past. I can, however, learn from it and hopefully grow. It 7s really hard though.

I understand this, makes sense and I try hard to do that... but then I keep beating myself up over everything or wishing I could redo it.

I've always had this desire to "Fix" things and I've always blamed myself for anything and everything. So it's probably all factoring in

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

HUGS...I wish I had some advice. It's hard because it's easy to look back and say what if or whatever. But you probably did the best you could in the moment. And you gotta hang on to that. HUGS Kit

I guess it would be easier if I knew if we would ever speak again.... or if that final session will be how he always remembers me and the dumb things I said and did.

I keep wishing we would run into each other or that it was 2 years already so I could at least know if all hope has died or not.... it's so mentally draining.

[Anne2.0]

Do you enjoy reading? If so, check out Radical Acceptance.

I'm not sure I could pinpoint the difference between regret and grief. Maybe you can have regret without grief but for me I've not experienced grief without regret. Maybe regret is for (as you say) the things that were actually under my control that I theoretically could have done differently.

At the heart of it for me has been talking about what I regret, trying to understanding what X regret was about for me at the time, why it made sense to me to do X. But even though I'm nowhere at the end of the process, I find accepting that and why X happened is what releases some of the regret's talons over me. Beating up on myself, blaming myself, having little empathy or compassion for what I did and why, those are all things that seem to be tempered by a realistic "this is what happened" and sharing what happened, having my T be a witness to my attempts to accept it.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

We did talk about the future and friendship. That's why he claims to be open to contact in 2 years

Mostly....things I didn't say in final sessions. Things we didn't do but talked about. Things we did but I feel I could have done better and hopefully have a second chance

I shut down often because I was too worried to lose him but so many things I wish I had told him, especially how I feel about him etc

It's really hard. I can only say I've been there and now try and use that experience to act so I don't regret. As another poster said I may not like the outcome but it was the best decision for me at the time with what I knew or could reasonably know.

But actually getting over current regret - time? Self compassion? Would it have changed anything?

[DP_2017]

I'm not into reading. Thanks for the suggestion though

I did actually have grief without regret, with my dog. While the loss was painful and sad, I never once had a moment of regret with him. I knew truly and completely I loved him with my entire being and I put my heart and soul into him. He had a fantastic life, and because of that, I'm at peace with his passing. Obviously I miss him but I'm not wracked with guilt or regret etc.

[Merope]

I think part of it has to do with self-acceptance and letting go. Accept yourself as you are, with all your past choices and let go of what you didn't get to do/say. there is no way of changing the past, so accepting it is the only way you can move forward.

Obviously much easier said than done (i certainly struggle).

[SalingerEsme]

If you could go back and never meet him, would you? It is kind of like the Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Would you more still want to have met him, but just be able to go back and do it all again, saying more or different things?

I try to ask myself about the magic to loss ratio in relationships bc when I was a kid I loved C.S Lewis. He said the joy then was worth the sadness now about a few things.

Even though I sometimes regret what I've lost, it is almost always mixed with something that I still wouldn't trade in order not to have the experience. This isn't true about childhood trauma , but it is true about most of my own choices that led to loss or a broken heart. There's something about getting a bit weatherbeaten that links us all together.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

If you could go back and never meet him, would you?

Yes, it all seems like a massive cruel joke and a waste. I'd rather have never experienced any of it.

[tomatenoir]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Good question.

For me, I keep reminding myself that the things I regret are things I handled to the best of my ability at the time. There's nothing I can do to change what happened in the past. I can, however, learn from it and hopefully grow. It 7s really hard though.

My dad said something similar once, and it's always stuck with me.

I asked him (when he was 42 and I was 7) if he had any regrets. I assumed the answer would be yes because 42 seemed ancient to me. But he told me no. He said when he was 7 he was doing the best his 7-year-old self could do, that at 42 he was doing the best his 42-year-old self could do, and that when he was 80, he'd do the best his 80-year-old self could do.

We do our best in a given moment. We cobble together our knowledge, emotional resources, support system and do the best we can at the time. Don't hold what you didn't have or know in the past against your present self.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

We did talk about the future and friendship. That's why he claims to be open to contact in 2 years

Mostly....things I didn't say in final sessions. Things we didn't do but talked about. Things we did but I feel I could have done better and hopefully have a second chance

I shut down often because I was too worried to lose him but so many things I wish I had told him, especially how I feel about him etc

I find the Serenity Prayer helpful when you really wish things would turn out the way you want, or regret that they didnt:

God, grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity may feel like you're giving in, not living up to your ideals, your dreams, giving into boring practicality, "just coping" - but they tell me its not.

[Topiarysurvivor]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

We did talk about the future and friendship. That's why he claims to be open to contact in 2 years

Mostly....things I didn't say in final sessions. Things we didn't do but talked about. Things we did but I feel I could have done better and hopefully have a second chance

I shut down often because I was too worried to lose him but so many things I wish I had told him, especially how I feel about him etc

I think he is showing caring for you by sticking to the 2 year time. In my state it is 5, and there are some strings attached.