Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I'm so sorry you're feeling humiliated. Therapy is so hard on so many levels. Big hugs, Lemoncake.

Acceptance is safer, and more useful...but it is hard. It's much easier to talk myself out of my feelings than actually feel them.

Do you really think this is all in my head and you did nothing (are doing nothing) to contribute to it?

That was one thing I always liked, was that I felt like I could tell you stuff like this and it would feel like you would examine your contribution to the interactions. I don't feel that now.

T, I’m really, really, really nervous. Will be seeing you soon.

Dear T: I wish you could be former T. I've been fantasizing about being able to see her again. Why couldn't you morph into her? Kit

I had the thought that you are a robot. That is making me feel better. I know it is a ridiculous thought.

Since it is I that usually feels like a robot, is it progress to see someone else as the robot?

sorry, I just thought I'd tell u

Dear Former T: I miss you so much today. When is this going to stop?! Kit

That's better , much more stable , we both had to work through that turbulence. Stronger than ever , but I'm sad about what happened.

I feel freeeeeee today how glorious.

I want to see you. But I don’t. Ugh. Can you just call me for no reason, because you have nothing better to do with your day?

T, it went really badly today. You broke my heart. A year ago to the day from the last time you did. Isn’t that funny? But I’m tired of having my heart broken. I really am. This is my own fault for starting to trust you and care again after what you did last year. I should have known better. I thought you were the answer after my disastrous old T. But you’re not. I can’t find a new T given my situation now. I’m way too attached to you anyway to do that. I think it’s time for me to give up on therapy. All these years I’ve believed in it since I was a teenager and hurt so badly by my FOO. All these years I thought this was the answer. So much so that while I’ve built a career and many friends on the surface, I don’t have any other life. And now I see that I’ve poured all my energy and caring into something that is nothing. I don’t know how I even begin to back away. I hope I will stay in the state where I am devastated and numb and frozen. I hope I will not start to panic. Panicking is the worst. It was pretty much the last thing I need right now, T. I don’t think I can forgive you.

Hey T. Feeling really sad today and I don't know why. I even got art therapy homework, and I'm afraid I won't do it/won't be inspired.

As intrigued as I am by survivor stories, I don't think that book is for me. You warned me, and I appreciate that. Interesting to have an insight into your reading habits, though.

Felt a little sad when you cancelled. I'd rather see you tend to your family, but I was really looking forward to seeing you today since I'm really struggling with a situation and needed to talk with you about it..

Dear T,
Accepting your caring is really scary...
Love,
LT

Still miss you. Waiting sucks.

That went better than expected. Lots of worries that it will be a one session wonder. I do feel like you were more here with me today than you have been lately. I still don't like that you won't acknowledge any thing coming from you. Maybe (hopefully) you'll at least examine it.

I do still love you; however, loving someone is not always enough nor the right reason to stay involved with that person.

I was reading about intermittent reinforcement, like slot machines that keep you coming back and throwing money away, all for that one time you win and it feels so good.

And I thought about the money I pay you and the 100 mile round trip I do every week just to see you. And I thought about the way you responded to me last session, as though you didn't understand or care, and how I'm always sitting there waiting for that amazing feeling when you actually do seem to understand and care, even though you can't provide it consistently. And I was thinking, is this why I dutifully go and put myself through this every week? Just in the hope you will do or say something that will make me feel you care? Is this simply inadvertent operant conditioning?

I don't think I can face you.

My feelings about you have changed quite a bit over the last 2 weeks... Oh I still love you don't get me wrong. But.

Need? Nope. Not anymore.

Today I was proactive, so why do I feel like I suck?


Yes, accepting the prescription feels like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut, but when I'm in that space where I can't think, I can't work.

Dear T: See you tonight! Kit

Dear Former T: Miss you so much! But I'm trying not to text you to tell you that! Kit