Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I'm sorry I phoned u on your day off but it helped me feel safe to hear your kind voice. thank you. I am doing okay

Sometimes life just seems normal for a moment and I forget what's happening between us. Then I remember again and my stomach drops.

Thank you for being nice in a not scary/threatening way. And also thank you for not colluding with me in my health related paranoia stuff. And only laughing a little bit in your voice when I say dumb stuff like maybe my arm is going to fall off from an SH injury by C or maybe I have meningitis because my head and neck hurt. If you acted like you took that stuff too seriously, it would probably make me more scared. Those thoughts just happen sometimes when I am injured or sick and don't usually last very long.

I think maybe I want to talk to you more about this stuff though, because I get worried about certain categories of things, and it's kind of disabling when it happens. I am a highly logical person and I don't value emotions much at all. Some people would probably say I don't value emotions enough. But in the categories I'm talking about - when I'm feeling really sick or have a very painful injury, as well as anything to do with my dog - my ability to be rational goes out the window. Actually, those are the only categories I can think of. So it's not like this is just how everybody is - how everyone has their biases and stuff. It's not even really that I become irrational exactly, it's almost like I become temporarily delusional. For example, one of my recurring fears is that my dog will die of a SIDS-like disorder affecting dogs. Or I worry that I will die in a freak accident or from an anyeurism or something and he will be orphaned. I didn't tell you this, but one of the nights I didn't sleep last week was due to this, not yoga trauma.

What if I can't make friends here? What do I do then?

I miss my former T. But if I tell you that current T, since I've been seeing you since Sept. won't that make you feel bad? So that's something I can't talk to you about. Kit

Dear Former T: why do I torture myself with missing you so much? Why did I text you to tell you that I'm missing you so much that I'm crying? And when is this going to stop? (the missing you part). Kit

Dear T,
I hope it's OK I sent you the link to that song. If you could just send some quick reply by tomorrow night (no rush!), just saying, 'thanks, I'll check it out' or something, I'd appreciate it. But I don't expect you to listen to it. I should have just played it today in session. I was just scared to. I'm still processing everything. But I've been generally OK. And I've talked to H some about it. So...I think those are good things?
Love you,
LT

I don't view therapists as interchangeable parts. They're separate people and you had a relationship with your former T. I don't think that will make your current T feel bad. It's totally normal to miss them.

Hi Dr. S,

I am feeling better today. I want to email you and let you know that I am feeling better. I don't want to intrude after everything I've said. I also feel really bad for making such a fuss of things. I know you thanked me for sharing. Still, some reason it feels bad that I went threw this cycle. I am not sure if I can accept the non-stated response that you have not changed and did nothing to contribute to my change in perception of you. I think I could accept it more if you actually said it. Maybe it's not true and you don't want me to know the truth because me knowing that I affected you in a frustration way might not be good for me at this stage of everything.

Anyway, I guess we'll see what Monday brings in terms of interactions.

me

1. The fact that you were still somehow under that impression even though I told you that that wasn't what my doc said makes me feel good. I know it shouldn't. I know it's not a compliment. But it means that based on appearance you find it plausible/likely.
2. Why were you thinking about me/my childhood while shaving this morning?? Do you think about me outside of the office often? Do razors just remind you of me? (Ok, that last part is a joke, but the question still stands)

How do I tell youI CAN'T do this?? I can't deal with the emotional rollercoaster; I want off. I don't want to be strong anymore. Please help.

I know you could easily fill my spot with somebody a lot less complicated and with better insurance. I know I have your one evening slot. Wouldn't it be nice to fill that spot with somebody who can come and go on time??

ED TW (seriously, like including #s)

I wish you wouldn't forget things sometimes.

I miss you. I'm all alone now.

I wish I didn’t have to bring up twice a week again. I know you’re going to say you’re too busy, but apparently I have to ask.

Dear T,
I think I'm just feeling...exposed or vulnerable or something after being so open and emotional with you yesterday. I think that's what's really behind me sending the link to the song last night, like almost a checking in. It's not an email that needs a response, especially as you've said you tend not to respond to non-urgent emails so much on the weekend. But for some stupid reason, it's like, I just wish you'd say "thanks" not even any more than that. But I can't expect you to know the hidden meaning behind my sharing that. You will take it at face value, like I literally said "Just in case you're curious." So if you say anything, it will likely be Monday morning, before my session, like with the race thing. And that's all good. I just feel...vulnerable. Maybe because I also shared a bunch with H last night. Though I can easily check in with him later. Maybe that's what I actually need to do.

Love,
LT

Hello t. I'd say ex-t but what's the point in that, really, I'll always think of you as t anyway. Right? Ahh. I'm feeling happy again and after a little more time and thinking am back to that place of gratitude for the time I had with you and all the deep work we did together and that I learned how to do on my own like working with my dreams. I have no plans of stopping my dream work that's for sure! Have no fear this girl is not 'going back to sleep'. I have come much, much too far from the closed-up little person that I was in Nov of 2011 when we first met to let that happen. I'll always be grateful to you for that. Love, me

C was mean to me. She said I need to stop attention seeking. That made me feel like I did something bad. I guess I did seek some attention/comfort yesterday when I saw you. But it's not like I was lying about feeling ill. I also didn't walk in there consciously thinking about obtaining attention for myself. And when I told you when she hurt my arm, it was because I was scared, not to get your attention. But it's comforting to have someone be sympathetic when you're hurt or ill. Should I have tried to pretend I felt normal? That seems pretty dumb, and I couldn't have done it anyway.

I also didn't appreciate it because I never mention any of the chronic medical complaints, only when something new and significant happens. If I was "attention seeking" in the way that was implied, surely I'd have used all the material I have available to me. I don't - but I could and I don't think that would be wrong either if it was actually bothering me. But I'm used to the chronic stuff, and the symptoms are pretty mild right now, so I don't become fearful and overly distressed by them.

Anyway, whether I say I'm feeling sick or not, you are giving me your attention during session. I get it no matter what I say. So maybe C has a problem with me receiving sympathy.

Dear ex T, I miss you. I wish you would email me and check in, of course you won’t, but you sent me an email over Christmas and I replied and you never replied back.

I wish sometimes we would accidentally bump into each other in the street. I miss your hugs.

My life is going through a huge change and the change will be life long and I just miss the consistency of speaking to someone who knew all my issues. You saw me pass out in your session, saw me at my most vulnerable, understood my upbringing and supported me through the good things to. I just really miss you and miss therapy. I know you are retired and I’ve seen your life change as you’ve aged and your loses. I just miss speaking to someone authentically.

I'm watching this series and the main guy reminds me of you, with his old man personality. It's funny but it makes me sad, wishing I knew if you watched it or liked it. I hate being punished for being me... by not being able to talk to you anymore. I've never hated myself more

I’m super disappointed that our Monday session is going to be so rushed, especially in light of everything that has happened this week.

I wish you were here. When I had you I didn't care about what other people thought. When I had you, I wasn't afraid I wouldn't be able to make friends. When I had you, I knew everything would be okay in the end. I miss you. Talking to your picture isn't the same as talking to you. I miss you so much.

I did get to 23 days without emailing.

2 mins 35 seconds so far.

Sexual dream stuff

Bad subdrop not that you'd be of any use whatsoever. I don't know what I'm going to say to you.