Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

omg, lol. that is so annoying when it happens.

(I don't mean to make light of your anger, at all. Just found that bit funny)

My friend was probably right and you didn't really love me. I wouldn't know love really, I only ever felt it from dogs. I thought it felt that way but who knows. Not like you would ever have admitted it anyway if I had asked. Even if you did, you sure don't anymore. I'll always love you but that's different. You did some crazy special things in my life no one else ever could.... I didn't do that for you.

Not sure why any of this matters anymore. Sure doesn't to you. I wish my mind could screw off.

t3.... I am really angry with you. Not in the sense that I'd be mean but that I want to push you away and shut down completely. I can't even see you regularly yet but I'm so confused about you. You intrigue me, you challenge me but you anger me. I have to decide if it's worth pushing through these feelings instead of running from them or not. It's not your fault at all, it's me and my ridiculous thinking

I realized that I don't like when you focus on the healthy choices or progress I've made when it really really hurts anyway.
If I tell you I had a really really hard evening and everything really hurt but I did something else instead of hurting myself then you'll focus on that. You'll be happy about that. You won't be thinking about how much it still hurt the entire time.

If I agree to take it off the table then none of my pain will ever matter.
If a tree falls in the forest, but there's no one there to hear it...
If I'm in pain, but I don't engage in self destructive behaviors...

Dear No. 3,

Sometimes I let myself take a look at the pain you caused me and I realize it still hurts like ****ing hell.

ATAT

You're the worst and I hate you!

Ex T,
You showed up in my dreams twice in the past 2 weeks. I didn’t invite you so get the **** out. Don’t come back.

Dear potential new T, I’ve emailed you, texted you and left a message on 2 phone numbers. You haven’t returned my phone messages. It’s easy for you to initially suggest me to call you, but I have massive phone anxiety and the times I did call to leave you a voicemail, I was shaking so much. If you don’t want to take me on, just tell me, but if you don’t, don’t ignore me. I am struggling here.

I should have just emailed sooner, instead of white knuckling it through.

I suppose it’s good for me to learn to ask for help or whatever but I wish you could magically intuit when I am in distress and come to my rescue. (I’m ashamed that I want this but it is true.)

I kind of want to know what you meant but I also don't want to know.
I want you to have strong feelings about me. I want to be special. I want you to care about me more than would be healthy. But I also need to be able to trust that you know what you're doing and that you manage your own emotions and everything is fine.

Dear T,

Love,
LT

I hate holidays. Now I get sad missing you AND my dog.... ugh.... I wish life was the same when you were both still in it

I know we need to talk about my email, but can we not?

I want to reach out, but words are hard. Please give me some indication that you will be back on Thursday, when you will at least be able to help me keep talking.

This has been really tough.

Please answer me. I know there’s not tons to answer in my email, but I need some encouragement, some reassurance, some handholding. Please be here.

I bet you thought "WTF?" when you read how scared I was feeling over getting an "angiogram". You were probably thinking "wow, this seems like some high drama reaction to some blood vessel viewing".
I bet you were really like "WTF?!!!" when my message about the results included details of my new "robo-coronary artery".
Angiogram vs angioplasty... Big difference I guess. I'm sure my high drama and fear makes sense now.
What is in my heart about the whole thing is the fact that you responded to my fear over what you thought was a non-invasive procedure with such compassion and didn't question or judge my level of fear when it probably appeared to be irrational.
I love you and appreciate the times when you are so gentle with me. It seems like you know when I need that. In contrast, you also know when I need to be "called out on my ****".
There is something about coming close to death that provides one with instant shifts in perspective. I'm looking forward to discussing this with you tomorrow, and I've got no fear about it. The fear that's been holding me back now seems trivial after what I've been through this week.

I need you now more than ever. My life seems to have unraveled without you. I haven't felt your presence in months. I need you. Help me, please.

I guess you’re not answering. I went from being sad but okay to completely not okay at all. Your not answering today has brought everything home for me. Made everything unravel.

Remember, this is a holiday. May not be checking messages. Hang in there.

Hi T, love you, missed you today.

Why did I have to watch this television show? Why did it have to bring on such feelings of rage, terror, and bewilderment?
I'm supposed to resting and healing. I'm not supposed to realize this right now. Not without you in front of me. I wish I could see your eyes looking at me right now. That loving, knowing, and safe feeling that I get in those moments of holding space with you in the gaze. I need it right now more than I ever have.

T, Easter sucks. 20 years ago today I thought I finally had a family. I was older so they didn’t want to do the court thing but they wanted ME, ME as their daughter. I sat and we all talked about exactly what that meant. FAMILY FOREVER. Holidays, support, love, connection... squabbles and fights too... but family, normal, healthy, disfunctional family. The following year I got my new mom a flower of a type she collected, part of the society for that flower and everything... “what’s this” was the reply and I told her today was the day you welcomed me into the family. I figured she was just bad with dates as I am and Easter was a busy time as family to two ministers... less than a year after that first anniversary they turned on me like rabid coyotes, uglier than anything my family ever unleashed. I got so violently ill and the Drs didn’t know why so I got quarantined for two weeks. The next time they contacted me was ten years later wanting money for a missions trip... no hi, how are you? No, haven’t heard from you... just send money for a mission trip... I was a student, they were upper class... send money...
Now today my son has gone off again. H is not home... don’t know when he will be home but it won’t be pretty.
Nothing here for dinner and the poor dogs have not been out because of my son.... Every time I try to think of you all I can think of is how hung up your wife is on table manners and you getting “THE look” at the table... don’t know if it is real or not... but it is all I can think of.
Tomorrow I will see you but can’t talk of my son, I understand. But then you are off for another week again... at least it is CEUs so I feel less bad about emailing than if it were family.

Whoever said time heals all wounds lies. As this year passes I miss you more and more. The pain doesnt get amy eaiser in fact it gets more painful. I miss you. I miss the work we did and the way you knew and understood me.