Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I want you. I don't want you.

But the no reply from thursday swings things.

Randomly wondering if you ever adopted a pet. I hope so, I think it would be good for you.

Hopefully someday I can know the answer for sure

I will deal with it all eventually, but right now I’m immensely relieved to have this break.

I am prepared to quit on Thursday. I guess it depends on your responses to what I say.

I don't have to act out, but I choose to do so. I honestly would have seen you tomorrow if you had replied. I think It's rude, I mean we did have a 5 day limit. You've gone over that by 18 hours- not like I'm sat counting and waiting for a reply or anything.

Hugs. It so sucks when they don't reply. I felt hurt and rejected when L ignored my last email.

I don't know that I'll ever find the words.

I do feel the same way right now, like I wasn't worth replying to, but it also just reminds me of when I was 16 and sat waiting for an email to arrive during the summer holiday from the psych teacher who told me I could reach out to her if I needed to. She took 31 days to reply.

Dear T -
I hate that I'm afraid to unload all my problems. You're so kind and positive, and I feel like the more I tell you, the "crazier" I seem and the further from help I am. I hope when I finally tell you what my mind looks like, you won't throw me away like so many others before you.

Dear T,
I keep thinking about the handshake at the end of Monday's session. It felt different than usual, like you were squeezing my hand tightly rather than shaking it. Like in a caring way, not some inappropriate thing. Maybe I just imagined it, I don't know.
Love,
LT

I feel horrible on all sides. At home, as a mother, a wife, and just a person being. YOu saw a bit of a happy side, I think. I don't know even if everything goes as planned, I don't know if I will be okay with that. I am depressed and miss my kids. I don't feel close to anybody. I want my H to be the partner to share things with. I want to be normal. Are you disappointed in me because I am still not teaching? I am. I see a bleak picture for myself right now, but that isn't anything new.

Something new: Weird. I stopped by the home and garden store and just walked around. I had this idea like two or three weeks ago, but I thought how great it would be if I could plut floors down in homes, put up backsplashes, do things like that. I would have a job and I would really know if I was doing well. IT sounds kind of stupid, but I've always wished I could just do things for my home myself. I'm so afraid of my changing moods that I am afraid that you are. I"m afraid you don't want to be here for me anymore because I gave up.

I have things i want to do them, but am not sure I can do them all like I said above. I want to move and make new friends and pretend that I am normal. I want my H to be interested in me again. I feel like a loser in every lane. I know this is all negatived. I added a few positive things.

I have not written in my journal since Sunday. I did not write up either Monday or Tuesday's session. I have nothing for you tomorrow. Will I feel guilty or compulsive enough to write something up tomorrow? I don't know. It wasn't until about 1pm today that I thought of you as someone I wanted to see or missed. I think this break is going to last a little while (well at least through next week's sessions too) and we have to be careful how we start back up.

Dear T,

I was excited to talk to PrevT today! I know, I already told you all about it.

Tonight I’m sad and I am missing her very much. I was happy to hear her voice.

Now I’m missing her voice. ..and her safety....and her wisdom..and her common sense...and her calmness..and her confidence...and clarity..and her empathy...and her interest...and her belief in me....and her kindness....and her genuine-ness.....and her being a good example...integrity....and her guidance......

and her being my True North so I never get lost again.

i am back to not wanting to continue therapy simply because i dont think i can admit that what happened was neglect and abuse even though several Ts have said it was.

I know we are taking a necessary step but I am so scared. Please be gentle with me. Please understand how hard this is for me.

Dear T,
I don't know what's up with me lately but I feel a little clingy and desperate when it come to you. I hate it. Stupid attachment. Ugh. Please bear with me while I try and work this out... also, can I come 2x a week again for a while?

I miss feeling close to you. I'm meeting with the title ix person in 5 hours, and you don't even know I decided to report it after it came up in the session a few weeks ago.

It's really not a big deal compared to everything else that's going on, but it would have been nice to get some support and reassurance.

I've realized I think I'm feeling abandoned.

I can't do this. Why can't you just overlook this one issue?

Maybe I should admit I'm doing ED stuff. I think that would get a lot worse if I felt forced to stop the SH. I just can't cope right now. I can't.

We're back on an even keel, and suddenly I feel better and able to face the world. Why do I need to feel okay about you to feel okay about me?

What I miss the most about our sessions is you ask such good questions. I know I rarely answer them right when asked but later, at home, on my own. But the point is that I always answer them. I wish I had learned better how to ask them to myself.

Ok yeah I admit it I miss your smile too and our hug at the door. But mostly the good questions you always asked. They were fearless.

Thank you for being on my side.
Thank you for believing me.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for telling the Critic where to go

Thank you for understanding my turn of phrase, and not trying to note down every word.

I can't make it stop. It won't stop and I can't stand it. You said I need to deny myself the kind of comfort I get from hurting myself, but it's so hard. My thoughts and feelings are getting unbearable and I just need to feel better and make the thoughts less overwhelming. This feels like a losing battle.

Why can't I have this one thing?

I don't feel like I can come back, yesterday was so exhausting. I need you to psychically know and touch base with me lol

****
Why do I keep coming? Why do I like you this much? Why am I so attached to you now

Hmm these videos are like a guided tour of your life. I can see why you were ambivalent about posting them publically and I'm not sure I'm going to watch them.