Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Another one bites the dust. I'll miss you, L. But we both know it wasn't working.

Thanks, LC. Nothing yet...

Thinking of you, LT. Hope he writes back soon and is open to what you need.

I hate you!

4 minutes. Please be what I need today... I really really need it.

T2,

Cut out the therapisty bs. I thought you knew better by now then to go there.

Dear T,
You're awesome. I love you.
LT

Well, I told you, cause if I can’t talk to you about this stuff, why am I wasting my time? Tuesday will make or break our relationship.

**** you! I hate you! I want to trash your office!

Hopefully when you are out walking on these nice days and see a husky, you think of me. Even just for a brief moment.

Also hopefully I can get over this nonsense soon. You would seriously be so annoyed with me that I'm still carrying on about it

Moms birthday is coming up, Aunt F's birthday would be today and the anniversary of our last appointment, and your accident are in the in the next few weeks. Today was the first time in quite some time I wish I was no longer hekr or wanting to SI. Keeping my happy face on and thankful to have spent time with various friends this week. Missing you!!

That was okay I guess.
I'm still frustrated with the fact that you don't understand that they're not interchangeable. It doesn't seem like a difficult concept to understand. When a kid wants their parent's love, other kinds of caring or positive emotions aren't a substitute. So why would it be for me with what I want?

Edit:
P.S. ...you didn't ask. You said you'd ask. Did you forget? Were you hoping I'd tell you if I had? I was relieved that I didn't have to tell you, but I'm also a bit hurt. The cruel part of my brain is telling me that it's proof that you don't give a **** either way so I might as well do it more. Which is ridiculous because like half of the session today was about the fact that you do care and how I feel about that.

Well, T, that was terrible. I’m exhausted and incredibly sad.

I hope you sleep terribly and have lots of nightmares!

And diarrhea!

I dreamt of you last night, but it was mainly about seeing you with your daughter and you making christmas decorations with her. There was a cupboard in my grandmothers room. where you had left your journals and I was secretly reading them and I stole a piece of cake from your tin. Your wife was there and my sister had befriended her.

I always bring you cake whenever i come back to london, so maybe that's me trying to get something from you. It must get tiring to constantly hear me tell you that i'm jealous of your young daughter and i feel ashamed.

Two years on and i'm still crying over something i never had.

Hey T, what's it like being my secure base? Just hanging out in your life, doing your thing. Knowing that you'll be there in your room on Wednesday and that that makes my week feel okay. Nearly 4.5 years now, and we're finally getting somewhere attachment-wise.

Dear T,

Now would be the time to pull out your best supportive t hat. And not your sometimes I answer emails sometimes I don’t technique out.

Healed

We'll schedule something for next week, right? I don't know if I can contemplate three weeks.


This has been close to impossible.

"You give me miles and miles of mountains, and I ask for the sea."

It hurts so much and I miss you.

You still haven’t replied to me. I know it’s Easter and you’re a priest and all but c’mon, step it up

I still hate you. I hope you stub your pinky toe and find a roach in your house. Also, that your dinner is burned. If you are visiting family for Easter, I hope you forget to pack clean underwear and your phone charger.

Get ****ed, therapist.

ETA: Also, I hope the underwire in all your bras pops out the ends to poke you.

I hate you! I hope all your fingers get hangnails! May you have bad hair for a week and run out of floss after eating asparagus! I hope there are grounds in your coffee! I hope that the jack breaks on your earbuds so you have to hold it just right to hear anything! May the batteries in your TV remote die! May the screen protector on your phone have lots of bubbles!