Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

When I say I like it or it makes me feel good, I don't mean it in a fun way. I mean it makes me feel warm.

When you're starving and it's winter you feel cold all the time. No matter how much tea you drink or how many blankets you have or how long you sit in front of the heater it's just this deep cold down to your core even when your skin is warm.
But if you stand under hot water in the shower long enough, sometimes you can start to feel like you're almost warm, even where the chill is hiding in your bones.
It doesn't last though. It's never enough to actually be warm.
But when you feel cold all the time you stand there until all the hot water is gone, trying to hold onto that feeling.

When I say I like the feeling, I don't mean it's enjoyable. But it's like almost feeling not cold for a second.

I can't let myself have that though.
Hurting myself distracts from the cold. I'd rather hurt than have to sit through the cold. I'd rather hurt than long for warmth that I'll never really feel down to my bones.

I'm sorry. I understand if you're angry.
I'm sorry that I want to make you feel sad.
I feel guilty, if that's any consolidation.
I try to hurt myself instead.
But, even then, I want that to hurt you too, because I'm so tired of the cold.
I'm sorry.

Dear T: I'll see you Saturday. So glad you had an opening. Kit

T, you are awesome, I adore you, I always feel so very seen and heard... but this week I feel like you aren’t seeing/hearing how much pain I am in. How badly I am hurting. I don’t understand. Maybe because I don’t get Sui or SH... I just suffer, I am good at suffering... but I’m tired.

Thanks again for talking with me yesterday. I am glad I called. I still don't want to come back to therapy-proper, but... if you are open to this still... the next time I have a Big Dream I may just call and see if you're up for a little dreamwork.... maybe... probably...

T, I spoke too soon... I’m tired. I will see you Monday... then you are off for a week... *sigh*

Dear T,
Scared insurance coverage change will mean I can't see you as much. I want to ask if you'd be willing to accept slightly less (like $20 a session less, so you'd still be making the vast majority of your fee) for a couple months, if it turns out the change is what we think it is. Just while I transition to once a week, then I can pay the full fee. But I'm scared you'll say no, even though you said before you could work with me on cost if H ended up losing his job. And then it will be glaringly clear that I'm mostly a dollar figure to you. I want to email you about this tonight, but I should wait until H calls tomorrow and gets all the information.
Love you,
LT

And I'm trying really hard to put certain thoughts out of my head.

LT

********trigger warning for talk of sh******

So t, I just cut for the first time in probably 3 years. I am spiraling. I am pissed about how my session ended yesterday. I am
Pissed that the pdoc today said I really didn’t want to die. I am pissed that to make an effort to reach out to other people, and create a support system with friends, I still don’t get any support. I really hate life right now. And I guess if I am being honest.. this whole trust thing that we talked about this week in connection with my previous doctor and his “mistakes” and whether or not you know is still really messing with me.

I have too much stuff to talk about tomorrow.

*consolation
Of course I don't notice this until the time window to edit has passed. Stupid Swype keyboard makes some weird errors.
Not that it actually matters, but it's bothering me and I feel the irrational compulsive need to establish that I do know which word to use, it's just the phone keyboard.

Day 15/20

wish you would reply tonight. Don't need it, want it.

You asked about taking it off the table.

Feeling warm. That's what it would take. If you can help me feel warm and like I'm allowed to feel warm and ask for and get what I need for that.
The SH is how I cope with the cold.

I don't know how to ask for that though. I don't know what it means in practice. And I don't know if that would take too much. If that would require more than I can have. I know I want more than I can have.

Really curious as to whether you're aware of the significance of this time of year, for me.

Something tells me we've talked about it enough that it has to register.

Still I marvel at the circumstances that have rendered you unavailable, at the time I probably need you most.

I'm thrilled for sunny days ahead but it also makes me wish we could walk together and wonder who you walk with now. What fun things you will be doing outdoors with new people. I hate how these stupid thoughts never go away. Sigh...

In our first session back, I might pretend to get mad at you for not replying to an email that I haven't sent .



5 days, 18 hours, 45 minutes and 46 seconds

P.s I'm back to feeling happy and good again.

Dear New T,

Thank you for saying you hope to earn my trust instead of just expecting me to trust you.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
Please write back today and say you'll be willing to adjust my rate. Even if it needs to be a bit more than what I said. I'm not ready for once a week, and I can't afford this with the insurance changes at your usual rate (of course, I've already unknowingly paid that for the first part of the year, thanks to my insurance taking eternity to process claims...)

I promise this isn't me testing you. I know you might jump to some conclusions after our conversation yesterday and think this is a test. But I really did just get the EOB last night, and H called the insurance this morning for explanation. I'm scared though that you'll feel trapped into offering me a reduction and then resent me for it. Even though you had told me before, when I was worried about H losing his job during the layoffs, that you'd be willing to work with me on price if my income changed. Well, this is a form of my income changing...Getting like $230 less back from insurance a month than I was. I hope you see it that way. And I'm not asking you to make up for all of that, just meeting somewhere in the middle. I've been a reliable client and brought you some steady income for a year and a half. Please help me out a little? Even just for a few months, then I can wean myself to weekly at full rate?
Love,
LT

Hey T, I don't feel good.

Okay yeah I feel actually quite bad.



I don't even know why I feel so bad. I am stupid pathetic and I should just cease to exist.

HUGS @chihirochild

5 days, 12 hours, 26 minutes and 52 seconds.

I didn't email, but I did like a post on your private facebook account, which you will get a notification about....

I hope you hear back from him soon LT.

Please try to stay safe chihiro.

I'm always around if you want to talk, and you're not pathetic or stupid for feeling the way you do.

As usual, the stuff that felt completely believable and incredibly painful last night just sounds silly and melodramatic now.
I couldn't stop crying while writing, and now it doesn't even feel like I ever actually felt that way.
You've never seen me completely in that state. A little bit sometimes, but never anything like that. It's usually only at night when I'm alone.

I'm kind of tempted to leave work an hour early to try to get into that headspace before the session. We're always trying to address how I feel at those times, but that's hard to do when it doesn't feel real. I wish I could have you there when it does feel real.
And maybe I just want to be extra sad so that you'll feel sorry for me. Maybe I only want to do this because I want the emotional reaction from you.
I hate that I can never trust my own motives.