Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

And no, C can't come instead! I hate when you ask that! Besides, I told you we're sick!

If I agree to this I need to know that you understand and are comfortable dealing with the transference.
And I need you to be able to say the word, because I can't. It's been a long time since you've actually said it. I need you to not be afraid of or uncomfortable with the word. I need you to make it clear that you really do understand the order of magnitude we're talking about.
As much as you point out that the behavior hasn't worked so far to get rid of the feelings that I want to get rid of, it does keep them somewhat in check. I don't know how to just sit with those feelings past a certain point.
If I take the behavior off the table then I don't have the outlet.
I'm not asking you to be okay with any and all possible behaviors, but I need you to be okay with my emotions and feelings and wants. I need to know that this isn't going to be a surprise to you. That you're not vastly underestimating the intensity of what I mean when we do talk about it.

Edit: is that what you meant by your "we can talk about anything you want" stuff? It sounded almost like you were bargaining or like trying to say anything that would work. "Desperate" is too strong a word. Imploring?
I thought at the time that you meant the stuff that makes you pause. Giving me the attention without the behavior.
The needing to be able to talk about anything stuff came up the last time we talked about taking it off the table. But I doubt you remember that, and it was a really long time ago. You're not usually good at remembering that kind of thing.
So what did you mean? It was pretty clear you weren't just randomly saying that.

Please can we set something up for next week? I don't want to go off at you, because I know where the line is...and I feel like I'm probably going to cross it.
Not that I want to, but this has been close to impossible. If I can talk about things, I'm fine...otherwise, it gets dicey.

i cant be bothered anymore.

Day something as I've lost count.

Can I have email credit for two emails seeing as I haven't sent you anything so far?

p.s admit it you're proud of me.

I had a huge aha last night, L. Huge. The kind that could actually lead to transformation. It started with me thinking about your comment "this doesn't work without the love" which led to but if I don't know you, then how can I love you? And then I slept on it. I was awakened in the middle of the night with the profound aha. Holy ****.

Dear T: I really needed to talk to you on Monday, to figure out what to do about the SH. Extend out the time, or not. I know you would push me to extend out the time. I can't do it indefinitely. And I feel like when I promised God, that promise meant something. Just promising you or promising myself, well I would break those promises, I imagine. I really needed to talk this through with you. And when I see you, it's going to be too late. Kit

I'm glad I only have to wait until Friday, but two more days feels like forever
Do you think about me between sessions?

L, thanks for that. So much.

Yesterday you said we were building something. I hope so, I hope I can feel it soon. Anymore, I don't know the point of continuing to see you, especially if I can't talk to you.

Ps, were you trying a new intervention with my yesterday when you asked me about my day or did you forget that this was therapy and you don't initiate conversations with me?

Please don't let me start another one tomorrow.

Well that was a heavy subject right at the end, but it felt okay. And we can pick it up next week. Love you.

Thanks for calling today, the day before the terribleness takes place tomorrow. You’re weird, but you’re a good egg.

How can you claim that you care about me when you don't even remember the one part of my trauma that I actually told you about? That makes no sense!

T-
I am unhappy about how my session ended today. And I am not mad at you, but I do feel like your office manager should have waited. She knows your schedule she knew we would be close to ending. I really feel intruded upon. I know that I don’t know the situation fully, but from the little I heard it sounded like a client was pissed that you were not free to talk to her that minute, and threw a fit until she got you on the phone. I am not sure that warrants an emergency enough to where somebody has to interrupt our session and consult you about it.

Healed

I know it was meant as a statement demonstrating understanding, not as an accusation
But every time I remember it I feel another wave of shame
How can you not hate me?

Today, I had a discussion with a dear friend about weariness.
Later, I thought of the time you said to me, "You're carrying a lot of his stuff in your backpack," and I thought, "I'm flat out carrying HIM in my backpack."

No wonder I am weary.
I need to put the whole damn backpack down and walk away from it.

I imagined relating that to you and then wondered: How many times do you sit in your chair listening to a client tell you about their amazing new insight and think, "That's what I've been saying ALL ALONG!"

You haven't even come back yet, but all I can think is what's the point if you're just going to go away again for twice as long in August?

I'm back to being low again, but the truth is that it never really goes away. It's always just there in the background and I'm so tired. I know I'm lucky that I've always been healthy but being inside my own head is painful.

Neurology at 1pm.

How am I going to handle a 5 week break? Pretty sure this is going to be horrible. I am going to miss the hell outta you.

That last part - I so get it - I often wondered how L could restrain herself from shouting with glee "Finally! Duh!" at me when I'd realize something she knew all along....

I say to myself "Well, you seem very pleased with yourself that you and your supervisor have been able to mutually m*sturbate about your newest (and most fraudulent to date) therapeutic concept. You call it parallel process, I call it your inability to keep your ***** out of my therapy."

Day 14/20

Zero emails sent.

6 days, 18 hours, 11 minutes and 7 seconds .

I don't think difficult is a big enough word any more. This is bordering on unbearable. If you know my experience at all, you know that this is a rough time for me.


This is the time of year I need more support, not markedly less.

I don’t understand, T. The stupid thing went as well as could be expected, maybe better than could be expected. Why don’t I feel any better?

Oh, T. Nothing is right. Everything is awful. I don’t know what to do.

Hi T. News flash - still love you