Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

Big hugs, scarlet. You are dealing with so much...

I made my room smell like T’s office
I can be so simple some days...

Was it a prop gun, i didnt hear that? But yeah, even a blank will mess you up close up. Another actor died some years ago from one. Not a toy.

Is she a russian blue? So pretty with her little footies!

I heard it was a prop gun too... but why would you treat any gun, anywhere like a toy? Always assume it is real and loaded.

Youre not online? My test results are online.

Yeah, I read them online, so I know it was negative. I’m just wondering how soon I should be a pest to the doctor about what happens now. Tomorrow sounds good.

Oh sorry, i mis-red. Thats how it should be spelled.

@@, tomorrow is perfectly reasonable. And I think proactive self-advocate is a much more useful frame than pest. Hope you can get more info and get a plan in place soon.

You're not being a pest. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know what's going on. It would be different if you left 200 messages, but the doc's doing what they're paid to do.

I'm glad he's offered the check in on sunday. One day NP you will see how strong you really are. I liked this quote from the movie the revenant which would be the same as living in the snow globe:

"When there is a storm, and you stand in front of a tree, if you look at it's branches, you swear it will fall, But if you watch the trunk, you will see it's stability."

I've been in a slump for around a month since failing pharma, which is just starting to ease up but it's still there in the background. My rupture with R is still ongoing. I know no would would minimize it, but it feels silly to post about it because I know I don't react, but over react to everything. Sometimes I just find it hard to join in with the conversation here.

I'm still doing the gym thing, but with my all or nothing brain I'm going 5-6 times a week which gets tiring and I've recently started studying at my favorite coffee shop just taking my books to I have less distractions. Mixed in with life on wards,it's busy.

My middle name is chocolate.

Mrs S chocolate Crane.
Mrs S chocolate Crane.
Mrs S chocolate Crane.

I started buying Ritter sport bars with wholenuts. Think it explains me so well.

Opened up my computer this morning and the reminders popped up... next thing on my calendar? T!!!

Ok, now back to my usual morning chill until I have tea and breakfast.

My reaction to therapy appointments was never happy. Mostly I threw up beforehand

My reaction was almost always happy but sometimes I was a bundle of nervous energy either because I was pissed at her and afraid to say so or because of a particular topic I knew we were going to talk about.

I realized a few days ago something about that whole "be serious about the work" thing with her - I think she really thought that I was "serious" only when I was miserable and bawling! The last time I was there, I was like that, and I swear she was all enthused about it, as she said that was the most "real" she'd seen me. Why? Why am I so real to her only when I'm in misery?! There is something wrong there.

I don't think it was because she only thought you were real when you were in misery but rather because she thought you were actually realizing who you are rather than running from it or hiding behind external excuses about it.

I agree that doesn’t seem right. My T said last week that he looks forward to the first session that I haven’t felt scared (of life not of him) all week. He would LOVE to see me be playful. When the weather gets nice I want to see if we can go to the park behind his office... but I know he would want to see me play not just walk around. If T could be a fly on the wall of my life I am pretty sure the next session he would tell me not to take therapy so damn seriously. Now, that doesn’t mean I can slack off, there are always goals and stuff... but it doesn’t have to be a funeral dirge.

Wasn’t the occasion of your last session you coming out to your husband, art? I can see why she would be happy about that, thinking you were taking what you worked on in therapy and applying it irl.

And I don’t think doing the work means how much waterworks there are in session. Lucillinda doesn’t seem cruel like that.

It feels that way in retrospect.

But you know that feelings are not fact.
To me, this seems part of your pattern. You loved her and wanted to talk to her and write poetry about it but wouldn't let yourself call her again, and now you are making yourself feel bad about the therapy. You bonk high and then low

I know you feel that way. But do you feel that way because Lucy in the sky with diamonds had a history of being cruel to you?

Or are you using it to hurt yourself—upset yourself, tell yourself this woman who is so important to you was actually some sort of sadist? To cause yourself pain? (This is what I do with No. 3.)

True, but then opinions stated on an online forum aren't necessarily facts either. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. I'm just trying to work things out.

I wasn't intending to imply anything so drastic as that.

OF course they are not. Look back for yourself and see what you think.
I have no stake in whether you agree with my observation or not. I was trying, perhaps misguided, help you not feel as bad about therapy with her by observing that in my understanding of your posts, you do this extreme reaction to your feelings about her quite often. My point was more that you might be able to control making yourself miserable or at least less rollercoastery. But admittedly - it looks horribly painful to me from the outside. It may be very different for you on the inside.

I didn’t say you were. Implication is conscious. But I do think when you’re upset because you don’t know what Lovender (one of these days I will get her name) meant by something, you’re the one who suffers. And yet when you discuss it with her, most of the time she meant nothing bad or critical by what she said. So I’d hold onto that and not start thinking she equated tears with doing work in therapy and turn that into something wrong about her.

Just hang on to the good times with her.