[MoxieDoxie]

The only time I can hold any eye contact with T is when I first come in and are having casual conversation or if we are just having casual conversation. Other than that I can not even look at him. Just his shoes.

So why I wonder? I am sure it is when my child part is activated and I am not my best adult self maybe.

I feel shameful in his eyes for some reason.

As a child holding eye contact with my mother meant I was challenging her and she exercise dominance over me.

Feeling not good enough, feeling ugly and I must hide my face, feeling vulnerable, feeling embarrassed of myself.

I am not sure actually the real reason and not sure how to test what the reason is.

[LostOnTheTrail]

You're not alone. I also find it tough to maintain eye contact with my therapist during more in depth conversations. Ironically, that's when I feel I most need to, so I'm already at a loss/disadvantage.

[coolibrarian]

It took me many years to have sustained eye contact with T. At first, I sort of pushed myself to do it, almost as a way of challenging T. When she didn't back down, it became easier to look her in the eye, so now it happens more frequently, although not as often as it should. But when we are talking about a good thing that happened to me, I can almost always sustain eye contact.
When I feel angry, scared, ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated ( most of this is transference, I think), then I can't look at her. When I look away she often asks, "What just happened?"

[giggles6211]

Thank you for this post! It is encouraging to me. In most parts of my life, including talking casually with my therapist, I am great at sustaining eye contact. I can even look at her when she is speaking. Nonetheless, when I am sharing, I find myself looking everywhere but at her. I also go through these longer moments of time in silence staring at the floor. In those moments, I am aware of avoiding eye contact, tell myself often to look up, and just can't. I haven't taken time to think about the why or meaning behind this behavior. There was one session in which my therapist called me on this and encouraged me to practice maintaining eye contact in silence. I told her that was unnatural in real life, and I wasn't too concerned I was struggling with that. I was more concerned that I wasn't maintaining eye contact when I was talking. I don't know how she puts up with me since I know I am difficult at times, but I am so very glad she does!

[Omers]

T often keeps his back to me until we get to our chairs and after session. During the session I think I am doing well with eye contact but I know several times he has to led me he needs eye contact for something.... so maybe not? I know when I get very vulnerable I stare and don’t look away but it isn’t true eye contact it is more of a hypervigilence wanting to know what is going to happen to me.
I DO spend a lot of time on his web page looking at his picture (great picture for eye contact... but it is older and he looks different)... but I tend to do gaze/eye contact with the picture. I think because it is less threatening and the only time it “talks” I pick what it says from my memories of T.
For me I am thinking it is because I did not get any of the eye contact/mirroring/gaze stuff infants were supposed to get and that’s where we are in therapy right now.

[GeekyOne]

I'm like this. I can make eye contact with my T when the conversation is casual - usually at the beginning of the session. Sometimes also when she comes to get me from the waiting room.

When I'm talking about anything personal though, I tend to look at her shoes or the legs of the table next to her chair. Sometimes I can look at her face when she's talking, but not often.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Same here. I think it is quite common. For me, eye contact is super intense — almost overwhelming. If I’m talking about an emotional topic, the combo is too overwhelming. If I forced myself to make eye contact, I’d probably stop speaking. I wouldn’t be able to focus. It’s like there’s only enough emotional resources for one of those tasks at a time.

[stopdog]

I have no trouble with eye contact in real life. I stopped looking at the therapist because she was always making over exaggerated faces or trying to do whacko bonding at me with facial expressions. I did look at her directly when angry with her and telling her about it.

[piggy momma]

I too struggle with eye contact. When he’s talking to me I can sustain it, but when I’m talking to him I look at the floor most of the time. I try to be cognizant of it so I can control it better, but it’s hard.

[MoxieDoxie]

What does this all mean? I can hold eye contact all day with people outside of therapy but with him......I can barely look at him unless it is during "normal" conversation. Is this a sign of something like feeling shame?

[LostOnTheTrail]

Perhaps...and yet there is a sense of vulnerability within therapy sessions that may not be present in 'everyday' conversations. That's part of the difficulty for me, at least.

[BudFox]

I think it's unnatural to disclose personal things while someone who is not disclosing personal things stares at you. I think feeling uncomfortable with this is totally normal. I found it invasive and at times violative. Context matters.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

What does this all mean? I can hold eye contact all day with people outside of therapy but with him......I can barely look at him unless it is during "normal" conversation. Is this a sign of something like feeling shame?

I think the eye contact can reveal your inner experience as a link between your body and mind.

You are uncomfortable in revealing your innermost Self with T, so your eyes are congruent with those feelings, while with others you may not be revealing your Self and so again, your eyes cooperate with your emotions.

Communication is something like 75% body language.

[fouracres]

I really wish I could look at my T. I have no idea how. Wish I had something more helpful to offer, but others have given good insight.

[susannahsays]

I don't engage in staring contests with the therapist. My eyes are prone to dryness due to mild allergies, and this would cause them to water, and she would think I was crying.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

What does this all mean? I can hold eye contact all day with people outside of therapy but with him......I can barely look at him unless it is during "normal" conversation. Is this a sign of something like feeling shame?

That was mostly the issue for me . . . the shame. Talking about the abuse and dark thoughts was talking about something I had kept hidden for a very, very long time. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Perhaps I feared my therapist would see more than I was ready to disclose. I found the more I shared and the more confidence I had, the easier the eye contact became. It took years though.

She appears intimidated when I maintain eye contact with her. I don't know if that says more about me or her.

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

What does this all mean? I can hold eye contact all day with people outside of therapy but with him......I can barely look at him unless it is during "normal" conversation. Is this a sign of something like feeling shame?

It's normal. At least, it's normal according to my therapist and my friends who are therapists. I avoid eye contact most sessions--it's not something I have any issues with outside of therapy, but in therapy there's just something about the vulnerability, shame, fear of judgment, etc., that keeps me looking elsewhere. Removing the expectation of eye contact is a part of why psychoanalysts think it's often helpful to use a couch instead of doing therapy face to face.

[feralkittymom]

I think both shame and vulnerability are often in play in therapeutic interactions. And in some cases, there may be a fear that the T will be able to see a Truth that either the client isn't ready to face, or that causes such an up-welling of shame as to feel intolerable.

But in other cases, including my own, the fear wasn't about being seen (my T had already shown himself to be spot on in his perceptions) so much as about a fear of testing my internal reality within the transference.


I had a paternal transference, it was positive, and I was attached to him. But the flip side of any positive transference, is always the potential of negative aspects. In general I saw him as the father I wished I'd had and that's how we related. But underlying that was the fear that he might be abusive like my father. As long as I didn't test that possibility, and kept the fear under wraps, I could maintain the hopeful feelings. But until I could test that belief, I would not be able to trust him 100%.

So not looking wasn't about my revealing myself to him; it was about my hiding from seeing him. He once said to me that as long as I didn't look at him, I'd never know that he couldn't be my abusive father. And if I did look, where would that leave me? I'd have to challenge my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.


The fear wasn't about him seeing me; it was about me seeing him, and me seeing myself as he saw me.

I've never had a problem with eye contact and especially like to maintain eye contact with my therapist. I think it makes me feel more connected.