Couch 196: Cinnamon Swirls

Dunno what I'm doing. I feel very spaced out and I sent another email canceling my session after asking for it back yesterday. I just hate being so emotionally dependent. It feels like an addiction to him.

Morning, Couch.

Belated birthday dinner tonight, and the online writing group I attend is also meeting. No prizes for guessing where I would rather be.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Well, I think the meds for sleep are working, I am still waking up a lot and tossing and turning but what sleep I am getting is far more restful. Pdoc warned that this med sometimes makes people numb... I wish! I think I have been in survival mode and self medicating with adrenaline, caffeine and sugar... well, the med seems to render the adrenaline and caffeine useless. So... my emotional reactions to things are much more in line with what T originally expected me to be feeling and has not been sure as to why I wasn’t feeling it.
I don’t think there will be any counting tissues tomorrow but it may be bring your own box... I tend to not want to take anything from T not even a tissue.
Yes, Coal, AKA Big Sexy and his little brother Kindle (Coal is like 18lbs Kindle is about 8) kept a paw on my emotional need for closeness all night along with my weighted lap pad that reminds me of T/T’s office.
Aaaand... Kindle has done the morning “tighty whities” check... (the only way I could tell them apart as kittens was that Coal is all black and Kindle has a white patch that looks like underwear)... every morning Kindle likes to start his day with a good belly rub and I joke that it is the clean underwear check (ahh yes, the mother of boys...)

I'm listening to a random audiobook that came up in my suggestions. The main hero is called Rule. His brothers are Rome and Remi. It's so angsty it's good. Maybe I just feel better because chocolate brownie ice cream understands me.

Hugs Lemoncake. I sure relate to that - I know that I was (am?) addicted to therapy/ L. So I probably should not call her on Monday, should i. I need to just continue this letting go of my attachment/addiction.

Is it really an addiction to therapy or to something that therapy provides? Validation, connection, attention, etc.?

Because there are other ways to get those.

I've gotten into a pattern of sending a bunch of emails, but he usually only replies to one. He said last time it was pretty amazing how much I allowed myself to feel. Even though I say I don't want the session I know he will still save it for me and I'll turn up on tuesday (or wenesday if he has any free slots).

Artie I'm sorry for swaying things for you. I think the way I feel now is super child like. But I think dependency is needed for me anyway. Babies need their parents 100% and do cling, but once they're ready they start exploring on their own- because they have that secure base.

When R took his first holiday which was for only a week . I freaked out and I believed he wouldn't even come back. His breaks now are actually more manageable.

I think you can run away and avoid things for a bit, but they're still there at the end of the day.

@@ - The black Mirror season 5 trailer just for you:



And Dark comes back too in june!

You might also like The Society- it's set in a high school though.



Just makes me glad I'm not 15 anymore,

well, maybe going back once to work on that dream would be a good test to see if I am getting enough of those things now from my other relationships?

For me It would be what it provides. I guess feel heard and I like the attention too.

I'm trying to choose a new audiobook, and although I've had many great suggestions, I cannot make a choice.

I'm enjoying memoirs at the moment, but after bracing through a long medical passage in Joan Didion's Blue Nights, I am in need of something much lighter.

No violence, no sex, no gore.

It wasn't you I've been waffling back and forth anyway....

F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise. It’s a novel but based on Fitzgerald’s own youth, so memoirish.

No violence, sex, or gore that I recall. Cynicism, though.

Art—if you want to go back, go for that reason. Not to test anything.

Are you still going to CODA meetings?

No, I stopped going when the overtime at work started cuz Sunday was my overtime day and the meetings were on Sunday. I was still doing the workbook for awhile, but I'm not anymore.

And maybe test was the wrong word.

Why not? Wasn’t it helping? I thought you found CODA beneficial? You could even go today if you wanted to.

Economics has a fancy word for nagging...externality.

We just looked that date up yesterday because my kids were riveted by Dark. (Hotel Beau Sejour was a close second.) Middle son is gone mid-June to late July, and insists we wait for him, so we won't watch until August. I don't know if we'll be able to wait that long!

What is Dark about? i found 2 different ones on Netflix and I want to watch the one that y'all are talking about.

I'm here more when I have exams.

Funny that but I just need the connection. xD

Darrrrrrrrrrrrrk is this one with the guy in the yellow coat.



It's best watching in German and reading the subtitles. My sister swears it's always the best in the original language. You'll like it and it goes well with your space studies.

Of course you all will wait.



It's like when my sister goes to the bathroom and tells me to pause it. I don't- I let it play then just rewind it when I hear her coming on the stairs.

I would like a second season of Hotel Beau Sejour.

Pretty sure Dark is in my queue but I haven’t watched it yet. Right now on Chilling Adventures of Sabrina season 2.

I also liked the Hotel one. I haven't started season 1 of Sabrina.

Finished the Ted bundy tapes and know where R got his latin phrase from.
"modus operandi". (I know he also has netflix).

Memories of a Geisha?

Other random ones I've finished.

My journey with Truth- Ghandi = talks about meat a lot.
The Martian- Andy weir I think. It's about a dude stuck on mars.
A Christmas Carol
Sense and Sensibility.

The Super Bowl's 'Big Flush' is a total myth - Business Insider

You reminded me of this!