Accepting what your T has to say

I don't agree with you, in this case. The T may be making a sales pitch -- I had a lot who did, and didn't know how to help me get to the things in the back of my head. Instead they played helper and healer, and I accepted the victim role because it felt good in some ways (blech!)

Maybe this T won't do that, and maybe Lrad is taking of herself, and entertaining doubts about this T and his methods. And she has asked for our input -- so has a lot of alternative opinions to consider!

Neglect is often minimized and misunderstood. You wouldn't have the tendencies you have-focusing on others, discomfort when the focus is on you, taking care of others, having shame with your needs, and the defenses, erc, if it was minimal.

My history of neglect had a profound effect on me, worse that all the other abuses, which were really bad.

I’m not sure about this. Are you saying that if I meet someone in my daily life who is kind, thoughtful and puts others first I can assume they were neglected as a child? Because those all seem like good qualities.

I don't think sacrificing oneself and people pleasing is being kind, generous, or noble. It's done out of fear and need for approval for the person who is the people pleaser, for your needs, not theirs.

There are worse effects from trauma. I can post some links anout it if you're interested.

Perhaps if someone was kind, thoughtful, and puts others first, and is also able to accept care and a reciprocal focus on his or herself, he or she MAY have had a "good enough" or appropriate childhood. I think the statement was also about having shame about needs and deflecting attention and care away from yourself so as not to be vulnerable. This is likely a form of control and self-protection. (Just some thoughts from someone who did not have a good enough childhood...)

Yes please.

I think you hit on something important there with the reciprocal focus/ability there. Some people feel discomfort with an imbalance in the relationship (if it's a peer) where one person gives of themselves but isn't willing to receive. Maybe this feels like a one-down position (to refuse what people offer can be a power move) or they are simply people who also want to give in their relationships. Caretakers are really good at finding people who are narcissists and who are happy to take and not give back.

But it's not always that these things are associated with the type of childhood people have. I know plenty of people who have worked on themselves, in and out of therapy, to have better relationships with others. I think kindness is just about the most important thing in relationships now. I surround myself with kind people, and most of them have had not good enough childhoods.

Yes! I'm working on this now. Both learning to accept more care and also trying to shift my relationships towards kinder friends.

I meant that what OP's therapist is saying sounds like a sales pitch. Encouraging the client to continue talking about childhood stuff is a way to keep the meter running.

Clearly people pleasing and being overly deferential is a problematic trait. But that does not automatically mean therapy is a good idea.

Therapists try to link life problems directly with the need for therapy. I fell for this. Figured i had to hire a therapist to "talk about it".

I see almost no discussion of this anywhere. Most people just acquiesce to the marketing narrative... if you have problems A, B, or C you need therapy (or need to continue therapy).

Thinking critically and independently means pushing back when someone is selling an expensive (and poorly defined) service. I should have been asking... where is the evidence that i need this overpriced artificial relationship.