Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

I don't know how to be the "bad guy"

Nor do I want to be the bad guy

and I don't feel like I even need to be

I love him and I still want us to make this work somehow

butwhatdoiknow

just ignore me i'm trying not to numb my feelings with the margarita mix that's in my fridge. i need to just sink down into this and write from it.

Just replace “amoebas” with “spirits.”

It’s pretty easy. And then you realize, hey, I’m not the bad guy even if other people think I am.

Problem is, I think I would be.

Art, it is not that simple. It never is. Two people make a marriage fail.

That's just the thing though. When we lay in bed at 3am talking for 2 hours about everything like we did last night/this morning it feels anything but failing.

Well my T wrote back and does not recall saying the things that set me off (but did not deny it or blame me either) and didn’t realize that he had messed up the dates OR that he sent the emails back to back... his reply felt very sincere and heartfelt. He feels horrible and was very clearly upset that he had done something that pushed me away. He went on to say how hard he is still trying to connect with me... which I find odd as he is more connected to me than just about anyone in my life that I can think of... so fodder for Monday. Truth be told he sounded a bit pitiful especially at the thought of having upset me so much. He asked for a chance to work through it and not to pull away.
In fairness to my T my reactions to things are so very delayed that I feel, at least with this example, it would have been impossible for him to pick up on without being told.

In all honesty, I’m confused about the way you talk about your marriage. You speak of an us, you want it to work. You use conventional relationship language. At the same time, since you came out, it isn’t a conventional relationship anymore. But you seem to want to view it in conventional terms.

As for talking for two hours...friends can also talk for two hours. It isn’t 3 am discussions that make a marriage.

I have absolutely no idea what you should do. I only want you to do what’s right for you, and I’m not getting the sense that your current no-man’s-land situation is doing you any good.

Artie, if you have a good thing, its because of what you put into it. I think he hit the jackpot when he got you. But im not sure hes worthy of you. But that might be a "how i feel about men" thing!

The most damaging thing in any relationship is the feeling that the other person is not making any attempt to save it. That's what really killed me and Madame T, for instance.

Did you tell him exactly that?

I don't agree with that at all. Marriage is an AND gate. It takes two to make it true but only one to make it false.

I did and he said he feels the same way.

I have never found that being strung along on the basis of a lie or one or both people lying to themselves or each other in order to avoid a difficult but ultimately honest decision, to save anyone from being the bad guy or keep pain away. Pain will be there either way. The question to me is are you really living the way you want to live. Are you making choices that you can own or are they decisions that can be deflected onto the other person (I didn't do X because of you) or clinging desperately onto false ideals (clinging to a romanticized idealistic view of vows to save one from the scary choice of being responsible for one's own self).

I am watching Caddyshack- it is silly and crude but it makes me laugh:

Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what's your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don't know.

Well put, SD. Some writer said, its not a matter of choosing between two words, its finding the right word.

You really do have to know yourself. But then - i wanted to think of myself as a good person who could take what the mother dished out, for example. But i was hiding behind that "im a good person" instead of facing the harder thing.

Then there's hope.

Two kids are staying the night at my brother in law's house with their kids and nieces. So it's just me, the oldest and youngest tonight. Both are sleeping, H is out driving. I think he took his laptop with him so I can't work on any of my assignments. Having a drink and going to bed I guess.

Eh nevermind, found the laptop in my car. Was able to finish and turn in my last assignment for the first week. Got it done early so now I just have 1 more discussion and 2 more responses to do before Wednesday.

My son is home!

I am glad he is home safe and sound!

Yay!

Nah that's not for you, kid you'll move mountains.

"To thine own self be true."