Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

Going to see my parents in a couple hours (D did overnight there) after spending my last two sessions talking about stuff with my dad. Feeling a bit awkward about it.

Thank you. It’s gone after 800mgs of Motrin and 5 beautiful solid hours of sleep.

You don’t have to stay. It’s fathers day. Use it as an excuse that you have family plans for H. Just say hi. Stay a few minutes, thank them for giving you a childfree night and skip right on out.

In case we have any couch dads:

Thanks, Jersey. My mom keeps being like, "Since you're going to stay for a while because it's Father's Day, what time do you want to come?" It is possibly supposed to thunderstorm this afternoon, so that's an excuse to leave (as I have a 50-minute ride home).

It’s not fair to assume you will stay.

I’m going to visit my father for 5 minutes. I asked him earlier in the week if he wanted to go to dinner or something. His response “I’m not going anywhere”

Okay. See ya. Saves me dinner money. My 2 sisters have their own families and their own plans for the day. So I will visit for 5 minutes and skip out. I don’t have a 50 minute drive though. Only 3.

I'm so sorry, scarlet. I can't imagine.

Can’tExplain is a couch dad. And I’m sure there are moms here that play the role of both mom and dad.

So happy father’s day to all.

I think this (father stuff) is why I wanted to hear back from my T from that email. Because I'm feeling anxious about this. But I'm expecting too much from him. Though I don't think "Thanks for the update" or "Glad you're doing better" or "Glad session helped" is too much. I think really it's also that I was particularly vulnerable with him Friday, like I just really let all the emotions and stuff out. I know it's OK, that he's OK, that he cares. I just wanted to see his name in my inbox.

Thanks, Jersey. The other thing is, when my D is ready to leave, she generally wants to leave right then, or at least not hang out for an extra hour. She might be totally fine, but if she wants to leave after I'm there 20 minutes, I don't want to be fighting back against that for however long. Plus when D is upset or freaking out, my mom just tends to laugh about it, while my dad does nothing, so I'm left to deal with it all. Also, my dad won't care how long I'm there, I imagine--it will be my mom who cares. As this is more her thing, the seeing family on holidays.

Can someone tell me what is considered suitable swim wear for an over weight woman? I hope I’m not framing my question rudely. I don’t know how else to ask . I haven’t owned swim wear in years. My current nanny family joined a swim club. I have to take the tots. I’m overweight and don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. I’m very self conscious. Any bottoms that do not have at least a 7 inch inseam are unacceptable for me to wear. Maybe not others, but it’s unacceptable for ME to wear. Am I reaching for the stars that I want to find board shorts or quick dry shorts with at least a 7 inch inseam? When I take them I won’t be submerged in a pool. They will just use the waddle pool. The water will only come up to my calf-if that. And I don’t want to spend a lot of money as I will only need it for my remaining time with them. I won’t have a use for swim wear after that. I don’t care for beaches or pools as I don’t know how to swim.

Do what’s best for you. This is not a situation where it’s okay to leave yourself or your daughter in distress. Why does your mom laugh when your daughter is having a freak out? Is it just that generation? My sisters oldest (now a teenager) is on the spectrum and my parents tend to brush it off as nothing. They don’t get it.

That seems fine to me if you’re not swimming—tshirt and long shorts.

Would knowing how to swim/lifeguard certificate give you more ins as a nanny?

I'm also a board short fan. Here you go. (I don't own this particular pair, but these are longer.)

It probably wouldn’t make too much of a difference. The kids that little are either only using a waddle pool, a splash pad or taking swim lessons while at the pool. Any bigger kids I’ve ever dealt with like 6 and up usually know how to
Swim and can hold their own in the big pool. At the swim clubs most of the time if kids want to be in a big pool they have to pass the swim test to get an ankle band or they have to stay in the waddle pool.

Thanks. I’ll look at these.

I was talking to my T Thursday about how my mom seems to just disregard that fact the D is on the spectrum. Like he just acts like she's a neurotypical child. And T said, "So she's treating her just like she treated you." Then, seeing the look on my face, he said, "I guess you didn't realize that before?" I don't think I really had. My mom seemed to just disregard that I had anxiety and OCD, or at least would see them more as inconveniences rather than having empathy for me and trying to help me. T said I'm here to shield D from that, whereas I didn't have anyone to shield me. My dad was pretty absent emotionally and, as I talked about in there Friday, it seemed like he'd just try to protect my mom's emotions. So he'd be upset with me if I upset her/caused her distress. It was like no one heard *me*.

Another example is that my mom's best friend gets migraines. My mom seems to have a lot of sympathy for her about them. When I started getting migraines in my early 20s, my mom just seemed to dismiss them. When I had to leave a shopping trip with my dad because I got a bad one, she seemed annoyed about it, not sympathetic. It's like she can have that for other people, but not me. I'm just supposed to suck it all up and not let any weaknesses (mental or physical) show. Because that might look bad to her. T was saying that maybe she sees my D's autism as almost shameful to her. Which makes sense. As I'm pretty sure she sees any of my failings in terms of how they reflect on her.

My dad seems much more understanding and empathetic about stuff lately, like since I've had my D and she got diagnosed. Even though he wasn't like that when I was a kid. Like he's always saying "I love you" to me and D now. I've started wondering lately if he could be on the spectrum and mentioned that to T this week. It would explain a lot. And he's an engineer, which my T said is common field for people on the spectrum because of how their minds work. I'm rambling now...

What is it that you want your mother to do differently concerning your daughter?

I miss my Dad. I wish I could call him and listen to him ramble on for a while.

Hugs LT. Your mom sounds a lot like mine was when I was growing up. Moving across the country from her 20+ years ago and therapy both, helped me a lot.

Well, not laughing if she's upset would be a start. But also feeling like I could talk about stuff with her autism or IEP with her. Because my mom just seems to dismiss it all and say, "But she's so smart." Uh, she can be both smart and on the spectrum... I wish I could talk to her about parenting stuff, but she also seems to laugh if I tell her about certain challenges. I guess I want...support and empathy. I suppose the same things I wanted from her when I was a kid...I got support in certain areas (like dating...at times), but not others.

Hugs, NP....

Morning couchies!! My son will be landing in Germany in about 20 minutes! So excited for him.

I think it is possible your mother simply doesn't know exactly what to do. Have you tried asking specifically for what you want - not general like I want more support, but like "Mom, when (daughter) does X, it would help me if you did Y(specific Y).

Maybe it wouldn't work, but I wouldn't know what someone wanted from me in the situation you described. I would probably see laughing as the least harmful thing I could do in the situation.

LT

I can relate, while I don't have kids, being dismissed/ignored is my biggest trigger in life. It is because it's something my mom has always done. I've always been forgotten. The thing I've realized since therapy, nothing I say or do or wish can change her. She has to decide to change if she wants but I can't force it. What I can do, is be the best version of me I can be. I can like myself, and try to be around the people I do find in life who don't ignore or dismiss me. I also keep in mind that everyone handles things differently, for their own reasons, even though it seems personal, it might have nothing to do with me.

I wish things could be better for you but I don't know that it will ever change. Maybe finding some online friends who have children on the spectrum could help, it could give you a chance to have more support and people to talk to who understand. Even in person is better but unsure how to find them. Good luck