Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

Oh, it's totally dangerous! But I can usually get it on sale at least once a month here for $3.99. But now that it's summer, I either make ice cream, if I have room in the freezer to pre-freeze the bowl, or go to a homemade local place. I love their fresh peach. Last summer they sent out coupons that were buy one get one free on everything every month, but I haven't got any yet. Sometimes I arrange with a friend to just go there in the middle of the afternoon and get a cone--feels very decadent, and then there's none lurking in the freezer!

I've never had Talenti, never heard of it before now.

We're having pizza tonight. And I'll probably have a drink tonight. It's been a rough day. Youngest son was threatening to hurt himself again on the car ride home from getting haircuts. He was upset that he got outnumbered for slushies vs. Icecream cones. Started throwing a fit and hitting the older kid. So then he didn't get a slushy like the others got and had his phone taken away.

**Edited to put last.part in the In Session today thread.**

I think I'm going to bed early tonight. Maybe my psyche will shed some light on current goings on for me.

Night, couchies.

A pic from my backyard just now as I toddle off:

Ugh! I have a massive headache tonight. Probably a migraine. Probably shouldn't be on my phone.

T might be leaving me a voicemail next week! I'm excited and nervous. I desperately need to reconnect with her especially after last week's roller coaster of emotions. I'm getting more and more attached to L, and less to T. But L is set on seeing me transition back to T when she comes back.

I have gone from sending my exT the occasional text and email to phoning him I phoned him every day last week sometimes twice a day and going to the parking lot at his office. I just have this overwhelming urge to just be near him but why now it's been over 3 months now and suddenly I have this urgency. I don't understand.

Sorry for the disappearing act.

After binge watching Dark and crying a lot. I emailed R today that I got that I frustrated him, but it hurt when he snapped at me. That I felt like he'd already given up on me, but that I did want to try to make this work and that I was sorry for running away, but I didn’t know how to handle it. Plus If he had any earlier sessions.

I also emailed the other T I saw back in Feb- The earliest appointment he has is on Thursday at 3pm which I've decided to take. Just to get an opinion..

Brings up the image of blood for me.

I don't have anything to add, but i admire you and your strength artie.

It's good that you're seeing another T for an opinion--that helped me a while back.

BCM I really can understand wanting to be closer to him, and think the 3 month anniversary just made you realize how long it's actually been. But this behavior could also be seen as harassment. Maybe printing a photo of him from his website would help, but also writing him messages daily and responding to them yourself with what he'd say would help?

Did you get anywhere with seeing a new T?

Does your youngest have special needs?

Maybe you could take him out on his own to get that slushie if he's appologised.

Me neither.

Your flowers are beautiful.

I bought myself some peonies today.

Afternoon, Couch. Brain is being weird, but somehow I've almost planned a three-hour writing workshop. Just got one exercise to nail down, then I can email it to my colleague.
Still have to sort venue, and see whether anyone's interested, but I'm glad to be doing something.

I just walked a couple miles. I don’t know if it put a dent into my food pity party last night, but at least it was something.

Waking up sad and lonely. This whole mess with T sucks. I wish he would read his email and say something... but then, right now I would probably be upset about that as well. All the things I had been using for self care and enjoyed feel tainted and my son is home but H is not so I am stuck here for the day. Trying to think of a sewing project that wouldn’t make me think of T. Should be cleaning my kitchen to make biscuits and gravy for my boss... but my son will lurk... I hate lurking and I am so frazzled I am worried (as is H) that if my son triggers me right now I might black out and hurt him badly... so, for now I am staying in bed.

H got home from Texas job at around midnight. We were both awake again at 3 am and talked for 2 hours about stuff. We cleared the air again on some things. Neither of us wants to give up on us.

I had a flashback during my massage yesterday, totally out of the blue, bad enough that I almost needed to ask the massage therapist to stop touching my face. That was not so great. It’s been nagging around the edges of my brain ever since.

I think it is going to be a spam the couch kind of day. I don’t want to send T more emails or he may not get to reading the important one and if I show up Monday and he hasn’t gotten to that one I am going to be a mess.
I’ve always known the abuse and neglect started when I was really young and T has made a valid arguement that the neglect started even earlier than what I would have thought. My memory is a blessing and a curse, there is not much I can’t pull up all the way back to at least 18mo old. The past few weeks I had so much stuff coming up, almost flooding but it was emotionally bearable because I had T and even the really young “parts” that don’t trust men trusted T and let my internalized version of T comfort them until we could get to a place where they could have time with him in session. Now all the little hurt innocent ones are gone, disappearing into the walls and corners again. The empty spaces are filling with rage, rage at me for being stupid and trying again, rage at my son for not letting up and giving me space, rage just to rage. I want the little ones back. I want the hope back. I don’t know if T can fix this or not, I can’t even come up with what I would want from him that would fix this. I know 101 things he could do wrong Monday and make it worse but I don’t know what would make it better. If T were a woman I know I would just pull the walls around me and be an academic, distant, alpha, snobby B*... but T is a man so I won’t go alpha. If I get submissive and trigger it is going to get really messy and I don’t want that either and T doesn’t know about that part of my history yet, nor does he know about my anger. Of all the things I thought could possibly go wrong with T this was NOT one of them. I wish I had someone that could come with me Monday, I would be less likely to dissociate and do something stupid but H has to watch my son and the only other friend I have out here was talked about last session in a very bad light (accurate but not good).

He doesn't, but my oldest does. He's been having a rough time, and I'm working on setting him up with a therapist outside of school since it's summer. Right now both boys go to a summer therapy program 2x a week for 4 hours and we meet as a family with the school based therapist 1x month.

He did end up apologizing this morning and asked for a slushie after I took him to an intro karate class for the first time.

Starting to wonder if T was attempting to create a rupture this week. He is usually so sensitive, so on target, so gentle... when I look back ver the past week there were so many things he said/did that he would know would bother me... and it is starting to seem like every time I just went with it and let what ever it was blow over he came up with another thing that would obviously set me off... which would leave me with the question of why now? OK, I finally have a stove but things continue to get worse with my son, my FMLA was denied and he keeps talking about making sure his office is a safe space... UGH. IN some ways I just want it to be Monday... and then part of me wants Monday to never come.

I asked L one time if she'd said something on purpose to piss me off (because some good work came out of it) and she swore up and down that she would never do that on purpose. I really hope they don't "do that" on purpose.

Just got done spending the morning editing my week 4 poems. How are we already coming to the end of week 4?! We are halfway through the class already.

I am beginning to enjoy the editing process, believe it or not. In the past I never really edited my poems beyond while I was writing them, because they were mostly just for me or for therapy. I feel like I have really made something halfway decent out of my decidedly not decent first attempt at the 2nd prompt this week.

Did I tell you guys my son's been in Germany all week with my brother? It was his graduation present from my bro. He's flying home now, I'm watching his flight on flightaware.com and right now he's somewhere over Canada. This website is cool.