Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

...and there's no way anybody benefits from that.
And yet I want to 'show up' at the work open mic.

I'm so anxious about seeing you and I don't know why! Why am I so frickin anxious? What am I afraid of? That you won't be there, you'll be different in some way? What am I needing from you?

Exam in 4 days and 20h.

Hi T. How goes it?

See you on the 18th!

But plot twist- in my head your the back up T now .

Been doing some more thinking today about the reasons why I keep coming to see you. Too much of the time anymore, it is because either 1) I love spending time with you or 2) I am avoiding having to be accountable to myself. Neither of these are valid reasons. I suppose I owe you telling you this in person.

If my therapist cancels tomorrow and she’s more likely to cancel on Mondays even though she always has a 3 day weekend. And her early day is Thursday. Always cancelling on Mondays seems pretty dickish. Anyways I am going to downright tell her I am mad at her. I don’t like therapists seeing me get angry at them because then they can diagnose you with stuff you don’t have, but I am on the edge right now with my symptoms and I need to see her.

Although I really do wonder if you are expecting me to just stop calling and disappear? You have said in the past that "People usually come until they don't need to anymore". Does that mean they just *poof* stopped calling and there was no goodbye? I don't like that thought. I want you to know.

Dear T,
I'm sure my H was lying when he said he wasn't bothered by the hair I'd forgotten to shave/wax off my big toes...I imagine you'd be horrified by that in a woman, too. And how could my gray (non-toe) hairs possibly be attractive?

Love,
LT

Oh, thank you! I thought I was the only woman who's had to shave their big toes. But I bet your H wouldn't even notice unless you brought it to his attention.

I'll probly never tell u this but ....

I threw away that book u loaned me because I was angry.

Sorry

I am unsure if you lied anywhere else in the 9 years. Do you really hold the work we did in high regard? It sounds like stock statement to me.

I've always had a hairy toe!

But have never shaved.

I wouldn't either. My H can like it or lump it 😂

Words won’t do. I actually want to feel that you care and I’m not sure how that can happen.

Glad I'm not the only female on here with hairy big toes!

Me "I need someone to punch me in the face ."

You "ok come over "



........ Call me .....

You might call this pure acting out, but I think I also want to take a break from therapy too.

It’s supposed to be a sign of good circulation.

A sign that your gramma was circulating with hairy guys?

Haha! Boy you did wake up feeling good dincha!

I'm angry or maybe frustrated about all the changes to your schedule that you've been making lately. I don't think it's true but it feels like you're trying to get rid of me. I want to ask for Friday back now really bad but I won't because I worry you'll say no.

Dear T,

Arrived for therapy Friday tearful, struggling.
Wondering, ‘Why even go to therapy when nothing can be fixed right now.’

Toward the end of the hour, we were both laughing.
How did you do that?
Am I that easy? Lol

I need to think about this a bit more...

I want to call you today but I don't want to

Anything to report for yourself Una O?