Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Dear T: thank you for last night. Thank you for seeing the good in me. I wish I could see you again today. But I have to wait until next week. Kit

Hi T, why are you away so much at the moment ? I thought you were supposed to be retiring. I don't like your email auto reply. Will you check your emails?

Dear T,
You handled a potentially very awkward topic quite well today. You're really good at parenting topics. Thanks for making me feel like I'm doing a good job as a mom.
Love,
LT

I got told to smile more today, but I haven't got anything to smile about.

Thamk you for responding so quickly and answering all my questions. I'm glad you will walk with me to my usual goodbye spot at the end next week. Thanks for telling me what will be in the room. I googled Lloyd's loom chair, and, erm.. I will take the sofa.

Thanks for what you said about my dream and stuff too. You are right there is unfinished business there. I just don't seem to want to finish it. Miss you. Love you.

Today is 3 weeks since I saw you last and I've got 2 things to talk about. Much of the writing I've been doing has helped me settle some stuff though so I won't bring those up. I will likely call next week....

As a clinician , you told someone on the end of a narcissistic discard that it was their fault. The more I say it the lesser it hurts , I think you need therapy yourself. Or something.

Where are you going? I wish you had told me! I won't ask, just tell me!

i looked at your psych today profile just now and see that you have raised your hourly rate, i wonder what you will charge me if/when i call you next week... guess i waited too long... i could have just accepted an appointment for today when you tried to schedule it 3 weeks ago. i wasn't ready though. i would have paid $100 to tell you i had a good trip and not be able to verbalize the stuff i've been writing about. then we would have just visited the rest of the time. i ain't paying $100 for that. i guess i really have arrived at a place where i'm not willing to pay just to be in your presence anymore.

Thanks for being transparent about why you're resigning. It eases the pain a little.

Artie maybe she will let you come at your normal rate for a while and that's just for new clients?

I don't care.

I'm angry at you for going away again.

Why do you even need so many holidays?

I'm going to find a new T.

Everything is stupid and I hate everyone.

Except it’s just one person who’s stupid, and I hate him.

Except he’s actually not stupid, and I am just really angry and afraid and hurt and exhausted.

Except I understand that he is afraid and feels abandoned and alone, and that makes me hurt for him.

And there, right there in a nutshell, is why I am where I am.

Except this time, in a tossed metaphor salad, I am stepping off the tracks because I have to put on my own oxygen mask before he pulls me under and I drown right along with him. Bet you wish I’d gotten there yesterday...it’s a lot shorter and took up way fewer tissues.

Thanks, she probably will. She has in the past when she's raised her rate.

I was just sad last night and missing her and feeling, well, probably a little heart-broke about the nature of this 'relationship' y'know, that I have to pay her in order to spend time with her bla bla bla. I need to just break up with her already. And I use that phrase intentionally because it does feel like breaking up with a lover or something, because of the level of emotional intimacy.

But I don't want to.

Feeling awful, not helped by coming to end of binge watching that show. I miss the characters. I wish I could be part of a loving family, especially yours. I hate the fact I have to pay to see you for a short period of time when family and friends see you when they want for free. It's just so unfair. I try to make my way in life drawing on my faith but I still have this deep need to belong to others and I just don't really. You're one of the very few people I have ever felt a deep connection with and yes I know it's the nature of therapy and all that, but personality wise we agree that we are similar. You are such a warm open person who feels deep love for others and I have wanted someone like that all my life. It's all stupid though isn't it because it's never going to be anything other than what it is and at the end of the day it's going to be me on my own.

Absolutely, 100% get it, but I wish I didn't.

I don't want to be in my head at the moment, but trying to put it into words is hard.

Thanks for reading between the lines and telling me where you are and where you are going. You didn't have to, but it's nice that you saw that I wanted you to. I hope you enjoy your couple of days off before you head off on your travels again. Miss you.

just when I think I've about worked through "that" stuff and am getting tp the other side i get hit with a case of the feels... will be talking about this with her next week.

oh my most beloved t: I need you to help me leave.

L,
I want to email you, but I've already emailed too much. I'm scared to talk to you next week. Using the word commitment is a big thing. I didn't even realize how big of thing I'm asking for. I still want an answer. It's going to be so hard if you say no. My heart already broke a little when you said you weren't answering the question in the email. But what if you say yes? You said you love me. You said you'll be sad when I leave you. You already said you won't abandon me or leave me in the context of individual sessions. But what I'm asking is so much bigger. I'm asking you to make a long term commitment.

Using voice to text to make some notes for Thursday. We will have the session we were going to have last week, come what may.

How am I supposed to just carry on as normal when everything has changed?

Dear T,
Kinda struggling right now and want to reach out to you, but it's Saturday night, you likely wouldn't see it till the morning, and I'm not even sure what I'm looking for, so I won't.

Love,
LT

Sometimes I feel like my T’s suggestions are just plain stupid. If I tell her I’ve been chugging water at night like crazy she’ll say something like “don’t keep a water bottle by your bed.”’ And how the **** is that supposed to solve the issue? It’s just putting a bandaid over it. The last time I was chugging water like this something was actually wrong.