Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Hair on ur toes means u have good circulation!!!

I
am
so flipping
paranoid

urrregggggggghbhbbbbhhhh

I have so much to tell u

Like ..GOOD THINGS

why won't u reply , I just want an appointment

My brain tells me its bc u hate me and dont want me to have an appt

i just texted you asking to schedule this week we'll see what happens i didn't want to call because i haven't heard your voice in over 3 weeks and i would want to talk right now so... text it is

Im a mexican hairless, only italian.

You know any human kind of stuff makes me squeamish

Thanks for responding so quickly and scheduling. Much appreciated.

Dear T,
Thanks for being so accepting and matter-of-fact about everything today. It's what I needed for that topic. And thanks for the bit of humor, too. I needed that as well.

Love,
LT

Dear R,

Me again. We move very quickly, it seems, between me being really focused on what I want and need...and something that feels more like despair to me. I'm full of compassion for those who have to witness this, but it's hard for me to explain what it feels like to live it. My anger isn't burning any more, but it's still taking. up. space. It feels nasty, it feels dangerous...almost malignant, even though I hardly dare use that word.

Please, please help me draw it out.

Hi T. How was training? What training are you doing? Miss you.

Idk why I’m so nervous to tell you I can’t afford therapy anymore. Maybe because telling you makes it more real, and it’s frightening to think about facing everything on my own. Plus I’ll miss you.

You went on a break, you came back. We had a session today. Now I'm in a panic, fearing you'll be gone when I come in on Friday...that you'll just disappear.

I just want to get through tomorrow, T.

Now I'm all nervous about seeing you.

Maybe I will come back on the 18th.

You know what I realized last night I think quite possibly that for a good while there I may have subconsciously been perpetuating my own drama to justify continuing to see you. How's that for a howdy do. Ugh!!

Dear T, thank so much for replying to my text so quickly when I was triggered and upset, it means a lot. I know that you get it and I love the fact you are similar to me in some respects and you give so much of yourself in your replies to me, so I know you truly understand how I feel. I care about our relationship so much and from what you said in our last session I know you do too and you feel love for me as a human being. Even knowing that I wish you loved me as your child, but I know that will never be and I am trying to cherish the fact we have a deep emotional bond as therapist and client and you're with me in all that I feel.

You just cancelled next week and said I'm on a cancellation list. I'm already feeling numb and overwhelmed, not fully functioning. I will not be responding to your email canceling next week. I cannot handle it right now.