Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

5 hour class which started at 7.30am followed by an hour at home then another 1.45h class. Obviously I had to be up before 7 to travel. So yep I'm complaining about being tired but I did dream of you again.

Realised today that I can never stop seeing you because I'm totally in love with you. In a non sexual way. Absolutely, unquestionably in love. And not even 'working through' this transference or whatever b-locks it may be is going to change that because you are who you are and I am who I am.

Dear T: I don't want to tell you what Pastor T said because you will completely disagree. But I want to tell you what Pastor T said because it has me totally deregulated and destabilized and I want to So yeah, it needs to be talked about. But it's going to cause a problem between you two. You're sitting there telling me I'm good and he's telling me I'm bad. Not sure this is going to work. Thing is, I'm not sure I'm much better off since seeing you for a year, so maybe I should give this a try. But this is going to break me. And I want you to be there to help me pick up the pieces. Thanks. Kit

That was not therapeutic in the slightest. What are you supposed to BE ?!!

I re-read your email and it's so cheesy. Good thing I like cheese. I know, bad joke, but I'm sure I'll be plenty emotional when we talk again.

Oh no kit, I am so sorry your session with pastor T didn't go well. That is awful to hear

Hi T: I'm glad your H is at least at home now, if not feeling much better yet, even though I don't know what was wrong.

Now I'm worrying that you're seriously ill (or something bad happened) and that's why you sent such a serious email. Guess I'll find out eventually. I don't like suspense.

You're fake. I put it out to the universe that you're fake. I wish for everyone to see that you're fake and you will never hurt anyone else.

I don't think we're working out.

I really wish I could email you my thoughts today. I feel like much of what we discussed yesterday signifies we are different pages on many issues

Not even a " Sorry , I realize I shouldn't have done that " from you. HYPOCRITE.

hey t. y'know, i am so very grateful to you for everything-everything the past almost 8 years. i think i'll be ready to come talk again on 10/10. Not this week yet, but I'm getting close!

Thanks for being my steadfast T in all this confusion.

No more taking daily calls from my parents.

I'm not going home for christmas- because I haven't got one. What have I been trying to cling on to ? A memory of when I was 6. I feel like I stopped being happy when I was 9. It doesn't really get better does it .I gave you three years that's long enough.

You tell me that you'll come back from every break but I can't believe you.

It was also my choice to join your tree hugger group with my spare fb account, but seeing your posts about why you're so heavily involved and wanting to protect your daughter is getting to me. #daddyissues.

I think I feel better now , this is hard work. Thankfully you've done the work to support me on it.

You used to tell me “Jersey. Come in here and do your session then just do your life.”

How was I supposed to just do my life after every session if we texted each other everyday and several times a day between sessions? Yeah, it takes two to tango but you never owned your part. As the therapist you should have been able to see that I was stuck deep in transference. Your counter was too strong to help me pull out. I had to pull myself out of it and then when I got to the other side and told you that your crap isn’t working anymore, you also couldn’t figure that out.

What the **** was I paying you for?

Well M.

I do feel confident and I feel like I’ve grown up a bit.

I did miss you today.

Things are still like they have been. I feel like I look at things like an adult, mostly, now. It feels scary to think about doing this on my own without you. I know that’s the end result and it’s what I want.

You are safety for my thoughts and words. You hear me and I feel there is value in what I say. I guess that’s some kind of safety issue that I’ve struggled with and never understood the concept of. It’s heart rending to think that the people that I am in family with will never get that. Well, maybe one will.

Thank you for encouraging me to go long. I’m growing up and you can see it and I thank you for it.

It’s lonely growing up in the middle of a place like this!

You are still here and we talked about that.

See ya next week!

Trail.

You are like a gaping wound today and i am

I bet you wait after I send my I quit email for the follow up email asking for my session back. Today it was around 12 hours.



Just one class to get through today then I'm going to study with someone else.

Dear T,
Definitely not telling you about that dream you were in last night...What was that all about?
Love,
LT

I want to tell you that my pdoc, the one you work with, triggers me repeatedly because she is so moody and gaslights. I don't know what to do. Maybe you should come into a session when I see my pdoc and kind of referee.

Dear T



It's making everything I talked about before much worse and far more tempting. I wish I had a lifeline.

I feel that these last two appts you were trying so hard to make connections between things that you failed to hear me.

Why won't u call back ?
I am so paranoid .

Worried ...