Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I know I said I wouldn't just curl up in bed, but I totally am. I wish I could see you earlier because that last session seriously messed me up.

I wish you could read minds

Dear T,

I miss you, even though I just saw you yesterday. I hate this.

-c

'If you could read my mind, R
What a tale my thoughts would tell...'

Seething quietly, but maintaining.

Gordon Lightfoot, my alltime favorite song.

What are you doing

I don't know where I am - I am not depressed. I went to the office picnic today, but only spoke to a few people. On some psych central quizzes I only score mild anxiety but other it is moderate. I went to pilates last week I told you this in an email and said I was exhausted afterwards. You focused your response on how sleeping in a poor coping mechanism. But you ignored my reaction to touch. Is this just about learning coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety? I feel fine.

If I don't tell anyone then am I doing it for attention? I think it is affirming, but I don't know what it is affirming. I don't even tell you all that often.
No one would look at me and think I need therapy or meds. So what am I doing in therapy and on meds?

Dear ex-DrT,
I went to one of those painting things tonight. At one point, describing a technique, the instructor said to imagine someone you're mad at. And I thought of you. It's not my greatest work, but it got some stuff out, I think. I do appreciate that you convinced me to try painting. Maybe I'll eventually get brave enough to take an actual class....

LT

A little while ago, I heard you tell the receptionist to tell some woman you are full and can't take her on. This made me feel smug for some reason.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I keep thinking back to that one session where you said you wanted to refer me out. I should have told you to go ahead. I was too deep in transference to realize you would have been doing me a favor.

I don’t know why I felt like I needed you so much. Stupid me.

I'm trying not to text you, especially as you suggested doing so on our usual session day. I'm trying not to care because caring hurts. If my money situation changed I can't trust that you would see me, so I don't want to get into something that is going to hurt me. You're so giving, so empathic. so caring, that it hurts my heart to see you. It's a while yet anyway, so trying to focus on other things and not care.

I miss you sooo much right now... only 5 more days, I guess.

I also adore that song. First heard it on the Trigger Happy TV soundtrack in the late 90s and didn't know what it was for years.

To all the ones I've loved before,

I miss you. I'm searching for yet another new therapist, and I wish you were an option. But life doesn't work that way. Distance or money or time make me seeing you impossible. So I will continue to search, and hopefully I can love again.

Oh and also do you remember that time you double booked me with another client and took me instead of the other client? Yeah. I hated you that day because when you walked in you said to me..”she has a balance from last session anyhow” That’s the day the whole so called “relationship” changed. I got the spot that day because I paid my bill on time.

Today at youth group a lady came up to talk to me about getting the child with her into our program. OMG she reminded me so much of you. She looked like you and talked a lot like you. It was hard to stay focused on what she was saying. All I could think about was wishes it was you I was talking to.

If I called you and told you this, you'd get nervous and probably tell me that you think I need more i.e. the hospital like you told my Thursday. I haven't even told H how I'm feeling which you suggested I do.

I self harmed but I dont trust you enough yet to tell you. I was thinking about suicide a lot too, I still am, and I am afraid that if I tell you that you will overreact

Here I go again. I know I’m getting ahead of myself here, but I can’t help it. I emailed you, after taking a 6 week break, to schedule an appointment. You replied, but due to a “family crisis” you are clearing your calendar “and don’t know when you’ll be seeing clients again". You gave me a couple of options, to email you, or to see a colleague of yours. To both of those options, I say “NOPE”. Repeat...NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!!! F*** no I’m not going to bother you during whatever it is you’re going thru. Seriously, my sh* is stupid, and we both know it.
I know I’m the one who called for the break. I don’t need to see you that often. But you’re still the only support system I have when I get overwhelmed.
On the “bright” side, this isn’t nearly as bad as when T1 told me about her cancer diagnosis. I saw her once or twice after that and that was it. She was gone. I was devastated beyond anything I had ever experienced before. It was really, really bad and I did not cope well with that at all. You helped me thru that. However, I’m still crushed. I feel terribly selfish for feeling this way. I don’t “know” that this is it, but I feel like this is the end and I’ll never see you again. I get the sense you may shut your practice down now. I don’t know. I just automatically go to worst case scenario. The thought of never seeing you again leaves me feeling heartbroken.
I have trouble trusting anyone, even people I know. I’m not starting with another one. I tend to shut down. If I do manage to open up, I’ll run and hide afterwards…shut down. I call it “turtle-ing”. Like I’m imitating a turtle. Stick my head out of my shell, then duck and hide afterwards. I am petrified of connection. You called it “fortressing”. So…you really think I’m going to see someone else??
Since I was the one to ask for a break, I struggled for over a week before emailing you to set something up. I made a list of reasons why I needed to talk to you. If I didn’t think those reasons were legit enough to warrant an appointment, I wouldn’t have bothered you. I reviewed that listed for days. I debated. I can’t just decide to see you because it makes me feel good. I finally get the courage up to ask for an appointment. I get shot down. It’s so painful. Wracked with guilt for feeling the way I feel when you are going thru something that obviously just turned your world upside down.
Not sure I could ever see you again after this. Not until I know what it is that did this to you.

I can't help but feel like that last dream we talked about was telling the future. Just because your office was slightly different in the dream doesn't mean it wasn't fairly literal. To me, anyway. Most of it matched exactly right down to that creepy-woman drawing hanging next to where I sit. Egad I hate that thing. I really should have told you how much I hate it. I know my requested break just started but dang it I think I miss you already. Probably because I started working on that writing prompt you suggested. And two sentences in it already made me cry. That was a damn ****ing good question, you know. Love you.

Dear T: I don't know if I should tell you that my Sui thoughts are between passive and active. I'm thinking of taking steps that would lead to active but I have not taken those steps. If you are leaving me I won't tell you. I don't want you to think it's a reaction to that. I might be partly. I feel let down by the whole therapy and PDOC thing. But I just can't keep going like this. Oh and I stopped taking my AD and my AP again. IDK why. I just want to feel better and I'm not feeling better on those. If we are going to go the supplement route, maybe they will work. I just want to have something just in case that's why my thoughts are in between passive and active. I want to be able to act if I need to. I don't know if I will tell you all of this. I have until Wednesday night to decide. Kit

Dear M,
Well I certainly threw a bunch at you today. Scared away yet? Transitional objects, stuffed animal named after ex-MC, finding ex-MCs wife’s FB page, crying over her death, talking to ex -MC at 2 am, telling him I loved him, saying I’d seen your LinkedIn (but that’s a professional page, so....) other stuff. Am I testing you? Probably. But I want to know now if you can handle stuff like that. Not like 6 or 12 months down the line when it’s more likely to become an issue. Wonder what you’ll tell your supervisor about it? And what she’ll say? And I managed to share stuff about my marriage in there too. Which is how the conversation started. Did you notice my general lack of emotion the whole session? What’s interesting is I’d been crying in the car beforehand. Yet session? Nothing. Also wasn’t looking at you much. I miss having a window to stare out of or a fish to look at.
LT

T who isn't my T,
That thing you said still upsets me. A childish part of me wants to pull away. To sulk? To show you that you hurt me? To get your attention? To tell myself that I don't need you? To reassure myself of the balance of our relationship by making you be the one to reach out so I don't feel so disgustingly needy?
It would be manipulative. I hate that I can't not overthink all of this.
You didn't explicitly say that you don't think it's my own fault or that I'm to blame, even when I told you that's how your original statement felt. You didn't actually deny it.

I might need to cut back on sessions. I have a large bill I have to pay.

I kind of wish I didn't exist.

Aaaahhhhhh!!! This sucks and I have no one to talk to about it.
Do you realize how hard this is on me? It just sounds like you're not coming back. The loss hurts.