Does marriage counseling work?

Over the past few days, I am very worried about my marriage issues, I think I need a marriage counselor but there are some questions in my mind which is preventing me from doing this - does marriage counseling work? My privacy Will it be safe? You reveal your thoughts about this and guide me.

I have never peronsally been to marriage counseling. However, I know quite a few people who have. The ones that it seemed to work for appeared to jave 2 people who were committed to making it work. The ones that it did seemed to jave one person who jad pretty much checked out before hand.

My husband and I had a few joint sessions with our therapist. It wasn't exactly marriage counseling so much as our coming together to discuss common issues that had come up in our individual therapy. (We had the same individual therapist.)

The focus for us was on mutual communication. We were both prone to "protecting" each other and trying to keep the other person happy, which really was an exercise in hiding our realities from each other and ignoring our individual needs. Our individual intentions were good, but it was a faulty way of communicating and living in authenticity with each other.

We found looking at this together was eye-opening and broke down the walls we had built up in our misguided efforts to help each other. It really didn't take many sessions, and they weren't particularly regular sessions, but they were extremely beneficial.

It worked for us because we BOTH were committed to the work. I don't know how marriage counseling can be effective if one of the two really doesn't want to be there or take ownership in their half of the relationship. It worked for us because the sessions were not about either of us as individuals, but rather, they were sessions about us as a couple. I don't think it works well if one person wants the sessions to be about blaming the other for the marital problems; you are in this together. It worked because our therapist knew us well and we could cut to the chase quickly rather than having to spend sessions and sessions hashing through history; our therapist knew the history.

My husband and I both completed our individual therapy, and our marriage has become one of honesty and communication with a sense of real safety and authentic relationship. It's a shame that it took us nearly 25 years of marriage to get there, but we went into our marriage with 25 years of our own complicated personal histories that we each had to wade through in therapy before we got to this point.

Your privacy will be safe--they're bound to the same confidentiality rules as individual therapists. Whether the counselor would be willing to keep something you told him/her secret from your spouse is something up to the counselor (my former marriage counselor did, but I've been told that's not common practice). I think marriage counseling can be effective, but you both have to be willing to do that work. An issue when H and I first started going years ago (we went off and on for about 4 years--marriage counseling doesn't typically go that long) was that I was very open about stuff (I'm used to therapy), while he wasn't. So he wouldn't really share his issues in the marriage. He might just be like, "I wish she'd do the dishes more." While I was like, "I feel that he doesn't have empathy for my emotions." Eventually, the therapist started pushing him a bit more and H was more open, but it still often focused on me more because I was more open to talking about stuff like my family of origin and my anxiety and depression.

And you need a therapist who is trained in marriage counseling, at least to some extent (they don't have to be a LMFT, but it's good to know that they have training and experience in specific methodologies). Ours had experience in it, but he didn't seem to use any particular method, it was more like psychodynamic marriage counseling, if there is such a thing. While the individual T I see now is trained in certain marriage counseling techniques (Gottman method, Imago, and one I can't recall), and I wish in retrospect we'd seen him or someone else that had more of a structure to their marriage counseling strategy. For example, we didn't set goals, and sessions tended to be rather free-form.

We're still married now, and we survived through my being unfaithful (a one-time thing) to my H, plus having a daughter with special needs, and maybe we wouldn't have gotten through that without marriage counseling. But my situation ended up being really complicated because I developed paternal transference and some erotic transference/romantic feelings for our marriage counselor. And he was very inconsistent in how he handled them. In retrospect, once I realized those were developing, I should have suggested we see someone else. Or once I shared with him, he should have referred us out. Instead, things ended up kind of a mess.

Please don't let my comments steer you away from marriage counseling. It can be really helpful. Just, research the therapist well, make sure they feel like a good fit (you can always interview a few before deciding), and both be willing to do the work and discuss some uncomfortable things. And don't develop feelings for the counselor!

While it was not a marriage counseling session my husband came with me to T once. T does do marriage counseling but will not work with my husband and I because I am seeing him for individual work. It was kinda odd because T said it was OK if H ever wanted to come along. It wasn’t planned but I needed H to meet T and he finally agreed. T swears up and down it was not a marriage therapy session but it sure felt like one. So...

1. It was very helpful
2. T maintained my privacy about things we talked about in sessions before H came

It can work but both partners need to realize they need to change and be willing to commit to making it better. We have done marriage counseling off and on over the last few years and it has not really helped us for that reason.

Also, our T was our marriage counselor AND our individual which was helpful because he knew us both really well. He did have a "no secrets" policy so if it was something big, he would disclose to the other but only after giving you a chance to come clean first.

Welcome to Psych Central, kathyporter. Here are links to 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest:

Couples and Marriage Counseling

Thinking About Getting Marriage Counseling?

7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

Top 10 Underpublicized Reasons to Seek Couples Counseling

When to Seek Couples Counseling? | Anger Management

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-th...es-counseling/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/datin...rting-couples/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-on...-other-doesnt/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

People here report it works. From my friends, it usually is the death knell of the marriage. I don't know anyone in real life who has gone to marriage counseling and not gotten divorced from it.

Your privacy, unless there is danger of person(s) being harmed, is absolutely safe.

I agree with a point up the thread that when the two people want to make things work it is more likely to be successful. However, if one of the two isn't committed to such it isn't.

I know of people who have made it work. The therapy was good for them and ten plus years later they still have a relationship that works well.

I can tell you though this was not my experience. My husband at the time was convinced it was all me at fault and that I was wrong to demand he grow up, act his age, and end the life he was living separate from ours. He willingly went to the first and only therapy session he was so convinced that the therapist would put me in my place. When that didn't happen, when she basically told him to act his age and stop being an idiot, he was stunned. He honestly thought she would support his ridiculous antics and behaviour. So what happened? She threw her arms in the air and told me I better make a contingency plan - which I did. I learnt from that one session that my life wasn't going to improve until I made it improve alone.

It depends on what you mean by “work.” It doesn’t mean saving the marriage. It would also work if it helped participants realize it was best for them to move on from the marriage.

Yes, exactly.

I have never been married and would personally be very reluctant to involve a third party in conflicts and challenges with an intimate relationship. If communication is the issue or a main part of the issue, I imagine it can work some assuming that the couple also makes efforts to communicate differently in private. But if it is something like they are no longer interested in each-other and get much good out of the relationship, because it is just naturally over, I have hard time seeing how it could be saved by external interference. If they eventually divorce, maybe the counseling helps to accept that it is truly over and encourage people to make the steps to move on to a more satisfying life. Similar if the spouses just have very incompatible personalities, values and goals and there isn't anything actually wrong. People often keep holding onto dysfunctional relationships for many reasons and suffer in silence or just continue to live jaded. I think it can be useful to get some insight in those cases and realize it is perfectly natural and normal for relationships to end and needs/priorities to change. I think saving a bad marriage is as far from success and evolution as it can be.

Is the divorce due to the therapy, or is the divorce the result of the issues they went into therapy for and the resolution was the decision that divorce was the only solution to irreconcilable problems?

My therapist always said he didn't advocate for or against divorce; that wasn't his job. Our future was what we needed to decide for ourselves.

In our case, our therapist knew we were committed to our marriage, and thus he worked with us toward what needed if we were going to have a chance of that actually happening. We didn't feel our problems were so severe to be unresolvable, so that was our goal. If we had not been able to work together towards those ends, we may have ended up divorced, but that would have been our decision based on our inability to work through our relationship issues.

Other people go into marriage counseling with a marriage in such disarray and with such severe issues, that they sort of go in already realizing the odds of things working out and saving the marriage are slim at best. Therapy is a last ditch effort and they realize things are far too gone. Perhaps one or both parties aren't completely committed to even making the effort in therapy. Sometimes things are so dysfunctional by that point that there just is no going back.

Other people go into marriage counseling already having decided on separation; they may have children involved and want therapy to get through the inevitable in such a way as to be least traumatic for all involved and the therapy is almost a mediation.

I don't think marriage therapy "working" necessarily means the couple will live happily ever after for the rest of their lives. "Working" may be facing the reality that life separate is healthier for all involved.

I think it can work if the issues and goals are common. I tried it once because we needed to work together in parenting our difficult daughter. I know my alcoholism was rough for my husband but he went to individual counseling for that. I think if you have a therapist trained in couples counseling that it can be a safe space to talk about things. I think if two people acknowledge its not a onesided- one person-at-fault thing and are committed it can help. I think if you go in with the idea of saving your marriage it may be the wrong way to think. If someone is at the point of needing to save the marriage that is pretty extreme.

I don't disagree that divorce is at times the best result or even that work is a nebulous concept in relation to therapy.
I do know that my friends who tried it were trying not to get divorced and considered their marriage counseling a failure. Both gay and straight couples - so there is that.
I am not challenging anyone who says it worked for them no matter how work is defined.

My H and I did marriage counselling in the beginning (so last century). It was the place where we learned that I have depression and anxiety. We did a three month separation (well, H stayed in State A to finish his doctorate and I moved to State B to start mine). We've been together since. Two weeks ago my T suggested that H join me so the three of us can talk about parenting our teens. I find it helpful that she will see us as a couple and me individually. In our recent joint session, I said that I felt like H and T were ganging up on me and saying it was all my fault. They both said, at the same time, that wasn't true. So today in my individual session I hope to discuss how it is possible that after being in therapy for decades, my depression voice in my head still dominates.
I know that I am wandering off topic here. In a nutshell, marriage counseling saved our marriage in the 1990's so it worked for us.

I did not have good experiences with marriage/couples counselling.

My takeaway from the last experience is that if there are any abusive dynamics in your relationship—especially covert ones (think emotional abuse with lots of gaslighting) where one partner may have narcissistic and/or borderline traits—marriage counselling will be like abuse on steroids. Do not imagine that the counsellor will pick up on the abuse or handle it well. They likely will not.

Obviously many relationships do not have this problem. There are many people for whom marriage counseling is helpful. But when it’s not helpful, it’s sometimes not just that one partner is “checked out” but that they are frankly cruel and vindictive.

A friend in her late 60s in a happy empty nest marriage told me her husband and she bonded over their mutual antagonism towards the marriage counselor. They went home, joked about it, and developed a new way of solving problems together. So there’s that.

My thinking is.. Not everyone is suited for therapy.
I am, hubby wouldn't be. He'd run a mile before stepping foot in a therapist room.

This wouldn't mean he didn't think our marriage wasn't worth it. It's just not suitable for him.

My experience has been - my being in therapy over the years has helped us both.

A marriage needs one sane mind in the midst of the odd moments of insanity.

Thsts my experience and I've been married 34yrs.and we've been through EVERYTHING