Finding hope In a cold place.

does anyone on medicaid find themselves victims of the very thing that was meant to be the treatment from the beginning? of course i'm talking about the repeated hospitalizations, the bad counselors, the reality of the corrupt medical system.

you can objectively say it's a bad medical system because state insurance pays for name brand bogus drugs like protonix for GERD but not ketamine psychotherapy. not to mention the embarrassing hospitalization process that just feeds the hospital money and further deepens a sense of hopelessness.

i mean guys, they over emphasize medication and did it to my generation and they're doing it to the next generation even more. who decides how much ketamine treatment costs? it's ridiculous. i would have to spend my entire tuition to afford two rounds of treatment.

i recently discovered psychology and psychologists hold the true cure. you just need to be in the right head space and identify where in your past something happened that shaped your life for the worse. a therapist can help tell you if you need a lawyer or whatever it may be. i have been hurt by the state of idaho and it created an identity that 'i am the person that will fail because my reputation with the state and my name put to shame." i have no reason sometimes to work extra hard in college and sometimes i drop my pencil and just consider the possibility that even though i get the grades, i might not get the job because im labeled by the courts for something i didn't do.

somehow a therapist needs to help me get over this at an affordable rate. i cant give up my college tuition for a two sessions of two doses of ketamine. i dont think it'll be enough to process it all. why don't i just find ketamine on the street and take it before i go into therapy and save thousands? the risk is jail because i did not give the money to the rightful owner of the patent of the molecule that has existed for decades. nah, that's too dangerous. but seriously. this is american and this is messed up.

they always kept on telling me, for a decade now ever since i was a 16 year old child to keep on taking the ssri medication. not saying ssri's dont work just saying it's their fake foot in the door to pretend to keep coming out with new drugs. its bogus and nobody speaks up about it. why not?

so, how in the world do i get myself to focus enough when every minute equals a box of top ramen and i'm too depressed to even communicate effectively. please god i just need something to reduce my symptoms for a window of time to talk to someone so i can reduce my chances of morbidity.

i dont want to die, nobody does. i just don't have enough confidence that this instinct to keep going while i've been on empty for 35 miles and no gas station is in sight. uhg. the reality of life and the way the justice process steps on you creates a scar that seriously hurts especially when it happens when your a kid with your dreams taken away from you. i can't have the career i want. i don't want to live my existence receiving disability. what's my disability? being insulted by the state and ruined? i'll keep chugging away at this calculus and working on my degree trying to become a psychiatrist or perhaps even a lab tech for a drug company.

why can't i just enjoy living moment to moment. why am i on fire and my only escape literally has the possibility of eternal damnation. how am i suppose to know and take that risk. it scares the living tar out of me.

Psychology and psychologists don't hold the true cure to anything, unless it's having too much money.

putting pharmacologic agents in my brain to mess with my receptors on my own is dangerous business. the moment i choose to use illicit drugs is the moment I become a slave to something illegal rather than legal big pharma stuff. i'm on dextroamphetamine and clonazepam and just keep tossing them down the well. both prescribed by same provider. these drugs just give a window of time to make decisions. than it's back to bed-insomnia status. the only measurable thing i can identify wrong with my central nervous system is my circadian rhythm. i wake up at 5-8am everyday. it doesnt matter if i get 3 hours than 4 hours or 5 hours than 2 or 6 hours or 8 hours. i feel tired either way. i invested a bunch of time studying chemistry and now the knowledge is useless. what is this reality im living in. how did it wind up like this.

from my tuition account to a psychologists pocket.
we face puzzles and solve them.
you can't put a price to sleep, because it's not for sale
to anybody who understands what i'm saying, i could use some advice

Well, the dextroamphetamine certainly isn't going to help with your insomnia.

I think waking up at the same time every day is evidence that your circadian rhythm is fine, not the opposite.

I don't have Medicaid. Do you think you could get a doctor to send you for a sleep study? Or at the very least, to refer you to a sleep clinic?

so like some nights i get 15 minutes some nights i get 8 hours. it averages at 5. (high estimate) .... circadian rythm is messed because im not sleeping at the same time. im disciplined, but i guess what else is it called dextrotatory enantiomer of amphetamine lasts like 3 hours at the dose i take at noon 5mg

what is a sleep study suppose to accomplish? it will establish on paper that it's messed up. i will go a day without the d-amp and i bet you it's still messed. i dont think the d-amp will help me sleep till like 1pm tonight but thats because i had a hell of a time at the bogus hospital not meeting criteria for baby sitting and parkinsons meds or some new off label product with coloring books

Sleep study could determine what is particular issue with your sleep. My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea thanks to sleep study.

My sleep study showed that my O2 levels drop to dangerous levels (70's first study, still in the 80's on 2nd study) while I sleep. I don't have many full blockage events.

A sleep study can also detect if you are going through what is considered normal sleep patterns and getting enough of the right type of sleep for sleep to be renewing/refreshing.

I would pay attention to light exposures... any artificial light (including screens) after sundown screws with circadian rhythm. And not getting full sun first thing in AM does also. Seems the impacts of this are far reaching.

Agree the medical system is corrupt. And insane. I did not find therapy/psychologists much better, and on the whole useless.

Drugs just create more disease. I dont see much difference between illicit brain-altering drugs and pharma brain-altering drugs. In the latter case, the dealer wears better clothes and the ritual is socially accepted.

I had a sleep study because I was experiencing excessive tiredness. Turns out I have sleep apnea. I would have never known or suspected that was the problem without the sleep study because I don't snore. I just randomly stop breathing. Using a CPAP has improved my quality of life immensely. I also found out I have an excessive number of periodic limb movements - more than 30 per hour. With this knowledge, I was able to make decisions regarding some medications I was or am still on to improve this - like taking them in the morning instead of at night. I found out about other things I could do to improve my quality of sleep based on the specific issues they found. I couldn't have known what was going on that was causing such issues without a sleep study.

And I am kind of similar to OP in that I would experience insomnia at night despite the excessive sleepiness. I was on really heavy doses of an antipsychotic just to allow me to sleep.