Couch 201: The Transformative Grammar Couch

T does the tapping with his hands on my knees. We have talked before about how important using touch is for me in the healing process because it was such a big part of the trauma. I was so relieved when he suggested the tapping as his preferred method with me. But, putting any kind of gadget between me and T upsets me. Touching things that belong to T freaks me out. So, we will stick to the tapping. I could see my T resorting to this with me with my history if I wasnt OK with him touching me though. I need my eyes closed to picture things and I tend to be hyper vigilant to sounds. But I like the touch, it also reminds me that he is right there beside me.

I used the buzzy things during my brief EMDR stint. That T recommended tapping on my knees, but touch from pretty much anyone is a no go for me.

I dont like tappy wiggly stuff. Dr pimple popper wiggles the syringe when she injects numbing stuff ON PURPOSE to distract the patient, but it makes ME nervous when she does it! She has stoped showing that on her new videos. Why does she thinking shaking a syringe would enhance the experience in ANY way??!

Son and gf are on their way to sign lease and get keys for new apartment. I told them to text me a pic of the place! Excited for them.

I'm working an hour overtime then as soon as I log off heading to L's.

I'm struggling at present. I went to old school and visited with the handful of people I still like there. Everyone was commenting on how good I looked, how the light in my eyes is back. But I don't know that I feel better.



And yet I put a smile on my face and embraced it. "Yeah, I'm doing great."

I feel like a fraud.

Only an hour left of work and then it will be time to go home and see my sister and the children. Yay, excited. I wonder if I can still call my 17 yo nephew a "child" because he isn't really. But what do I say, yay, seeing my sister and the adults and the children? That sounds ridiculous. My sister's youngest is 2 and her oldest is 17 and there are 5 children total. I have two cats and no children....I told my parents all the grandchildren they are going to get are coming from my sister!

It's the day before my vacation day so I'm like "over" work at the moment. I just want to be like, BYE, see ya'll on Monday!

I hope you have a nice long weekend, SlumberKitty.

Thank you @VariableNovember

New strategy working ok this morning. Just cancelled my GP appt as I was going to use it as a way to get my doc to email exT etc

My nephew was born during a blue moon - i told my parents they would be grandparents once in a blue moon!

Home from t. Really good session. I kinda hate how she does that. I went in there not entirely sure I even wanted to be there and left wishing I could have stayed another couple of hours... feeling kinda exhausted now though like I just want to go to bed.

Oh and son/gf got their keys to the new place! I can't wait to go over there and see it!

Calling it a night. Sleep well, couchies.

Saw L today. I brought in some poems that I found which I wrote when I was 13. She read them outloud to me. It was so sad. Sad hearing what a 13 year old girl had to deal with, sad for myself, and sad that I'm still dealing with all of it. 24 years I've been dealing with this. Even L said "no wonder you're tired". Just a sad day today.

I did ask L if I could stay with her longer. She said yes, but she would have to look at the "logistics". From what I understood, she wants me to pay her full rate. H is okay with that, but he doesn't want me going weekly. I "think" L is going to require me to go weekly. If that happens, my H said no or I have to get a job.

And L said something today that really hurt. She said if I need more support then what she can provide me with, then we'll have to do twice a week. She knows my H would never go for that. So I feel like she's threatening to leave me if I can't go more often. I did email her about this. I hate talking about money.

I think family finances should be discussed properly within a marriage but I don't think one person should be able to control everything, when he is not exactly able to compromise on the expensive cars.The savings can only last for so long, maybe also getting a job would help you become more independent.

Do you want to go weekly? Maybe you could do an hour an a half sessions every instead of two full ones- that could be a small saving there.

I think most people feel the same way. Hiding behind masks. But you're doing your best nothing else matters.

YAY!

I think for me any one under 23 is a child. Even then I still had so much growing up to do. I see first years around and call them babies in my head, they seem so little and still full of hope.

The same way this works:



The baby is so cute, but catches on the second time.

When are you seeing new T again?

My head is spinning tonight, and it's 2:30 am and I can't sleep. I'm tired but can't wind down. I got a call back from a hospital's IOP place that I left a message with the other day. We scheduled an level of care assessment for Monday afternoon. Is that the same as a psych eval that you get when you get put on a hold? I don't know whether I should prepare in case they think I need a higher level of care than IOP or if I'm overthinking it.

T told me today that he's almost done with what he's needed to cancel Fridays for during the summer, and said "I think we should look at doing 5 days again." I don't know how IOP and individual therapy work...I don't want to not have my individual therapy for 6 weeks. I think I'm overthinking that too because T still talked to me on the phone while I was in the hospital every day.
We're also going to look at rescheduling some appointments for different times since my kids go back to school in less than 2 weeks. It'll be hard to get 3 kids from 3 different schools every day and make it on time to at least my Tuesday appointment.

I had lunch with one of my oldest brothers today. I came home and fell asleep for 2 hours. He said he wasn't judging me and is just concerned about me, but the whole interaction had me stressed out.

I should go to bed, but my brain is telling me to do laundry and hot glue some bows of my girls' that need to be fixed. Night couch.