Couch 201: The Transformative Grammar Couch

Blablabla I erased my whining. I need to instead be glad I am being as honest as I can with h right now and he is being honest too and if we do split up it will be through mutual discussion and there will be no one "bad guy" as I had feared I would have to be. L said recently that my mask is finally starting to slip. I think I understand her comment now.

Hugs, NP, it makes total sense for the anniversary to bother you, so please be kind to yourself if it does. You said you'd be able to talk to T that day, too, right?

Yes, he's a three-hour time difference from me and he's going to a wedding tomorrow, so it'll probably be a really early call. I'm not at my best shortly after waking. We'll see how that fares.

Ok having said I wasn't planning an exciting weekend the police just chased 2 youths through my yard there were 5 police cars outside my house there was the dog squad. It was all go there for awhile.

Can't top that! The rest of the weekend will be restful by comparison.

I have to clean. I'd rather have my face in a book, but I have to be somewhat responsible.

So my H is thinking of going back to school... He has 2 master's degrees already. He thinks a third one, more specified, will help him get a job. If it works, great! If it doesn't, employers will just see him as expensive, and we'll waste another $30k. I'm really scared we're going to run out of money and this time there's no house to sell and no one to help us out. I don't want to be homeless again!

I also bought myself a new nail polish. I rarely ever paint my nails. H doesn't like it at all It's just blue with glitter. I just wanted to feel pretty. He says it makes me look fake.

Finally off from work. Was hoping T would write me back but no luck. I guess I know that isn’t the sort of email he replies to but he will use it to determine how he starts session Monday. Now to survive two very long days with my son.

The police left my side gate open I didn't know til I let my dog out and he didn't come back

Nothing terribly adventurous this weekend. My niece and her family are stopping briefly on their way home from their adventurous vacation in a rented RV from Austin through the Dakotas and Great Lakes region and back through Missouri and Arkansas and all points along the way. Now THAT is an adventure. Hubby and I are having dinner with our eldest son and daughter-in-law at their new apartment. Oh, and I’m proofreading youngest son’s essay before he submits it (not exactly adventurous). Just generally trying not to melt.

h and i just went to a local bar and had a couple drinks, seems he's already forgotten the argument we got into earlier. He's acting all peachy like everything is great. Men are from mars, and all that jazz.

I am working on m ypoem edits while slightly intoxicated. this might produce some very honest work, we shall see.

oh couch. what am i to do. sigh.
L was wrong when she said i am not broken.
i am.
I am very broken.

It's hard on anniversaries not to take stock of your life. I feel like the butt of some decades long joke at my expense. It's hard, if not impossible, to see my way out of this mess. My therapist says that we've been in these dark woods for a while now, but he doesn't feel like we're lost. I feel like we're lost. There's no way out of this brambly mess. I've screwed up things that can't be unscrewed. I'm not alone because I do have him, but let's be honest, I'm alone. I told my friend of 20 years that I wanted to kill myself and I didn't hear from him again for over two weeks. I try to keep a casual open dialogue with my mother, but I don't feel I can talk to her about hard things like what really happened in my marriage or how I'm really feeling right now. I feel really alone other than the relationship I have with my therapist.

Did you find him?

BCM I hope you found your dog.

Yes he was in my next door neighbours yard being spoilt rotten

Like the song says: you're not broken, just bent.

Of course he was, the lovey. 🐶

I have slept better and feel more relaxed since my ex introduced his gf. Maybe those stupid thoughts of they were actually a genuine concern deep down.

I was playing with the cats when I stepped back and fell over the coffee table and landed sidewise onto the couch. I thought I had broken sone ribs but with ice and paracetamol
I seem to be ok. An early night I think.

He could end up seeming overqualified if he has that many degrees. And it's a lot of money. Could he see if there's a certificate program in that area? They're generally just 5 or 6 credits (so less expensive) and he could finish in a year. Or could he focus his energy more on looking for jobs? Could he do some sort of freelance or consulting work?

And your new nail polish sounds pretty! Your H doesn't get to decide what you put on your nails.

It's the 50th anniversary of the moon landing today.

I'm feeling anxious right now. I'm trying to not think about what happened two years ago, but it's hard not to. I don't want to relive it. I hope you guys don't think I'm ridiculous because I let this one event get to me.

It’s only been two years, NP. Stuff from 15, 20 years ago still bugs me.

I mean, your husband tried to burn your house down with the two of you in it, plus he could have killed neighbors too.

That is a big freaking deal.

I talk to my therapist in 1.5 hours. So that's good.

They already do think he's overqualified. He has been trying to look for work, but he rarely gets to the interview stage. And my dad has suggested he find contract work, but I don't think he's doing that. There's a lot of big companies hiring, but for some reason he can't an interview.

Elio, I admire your capacity to ask for what you need in the face of rupture

That happens to me a lot if I put my college degree on my application for most jobs. My degree is 20 years old now so I leave it off and then if it comes up in the interview I just say I left it off because it was outdated. Honestly, a lot of companies don’t want college educated people anymore unless it is a licensing requirement in that field. Even then they prefer to send an insider to college to move up than hire an outsider with their degree.