Hi Everyone -

I took a bit of a break from these boards over the last few months as I’ve been recovering from a traumatic therapy relationship and termination.

I started this thread because I wanted to let everyone know that there is hope and a path to recovery after therapy trauma.

As some background, I quit an extremely damaging therapy relationship 8 months ago, despite being obsessively attached and dependent on my therapist. Quitting was the most mentally destabilizing and destructive experience in my life - with a pain unmatched by even my traumatic childhood. Simply, it felt like death.

I didn’t jump into another therapy relationship right away, but took time to figure out who I was, what went wrong and developed a solid picture of the type of person I wanted to become (strong, healthy, independent and stable). I realized how much of my ideal self bad therapy blocked and robbed from me. Every day after termination I worked hard to develop my own internal resources - at first, just by getting up each day and living my life without my therapist.

Over many more months, I started to truly take care of myself - be it getting more sleep, eating healthier, getting enough exercise, meeting people and figuring out what I liked to do and doing it. I did this every day, no matter how hard it felt. After 8 months, I still carry on with a very solid self-care routine because it helps me.

In the most current phase, I am actively getting Chinese acupuncture and EMDR to treat the therapy trauma. Both appear to be helping. Finding an EMDR therapist was the most challenging since it required re-entering the therapy world (which I had previously sworn off). However, I am realizing that there are many types of therapy and not all require being ‘good enough mothered’ and engaging in what I see to be potentially dangerous attachment work.

Anyway, my life right now feels normal - which I couldn’t have visualized when my world came crashing down after therapy ended. I still have emotional flashbacks and periods of intense grief, but I am hoping the trauma treatments I am engaging in will help diminish this last remaining painful part.

More than anything, I want to let anyone out there struggling post-termination know that you are not alone and that recovery is possible. Also, if you are in a dysfunctional therapy relationship please seek whatever help you can to get out. We all deserve better.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope you are doing better.

Raven

[DP_2017]

Glad you have found some ways to heal and start over. Best of luck to your continued success in the future.

[koru_kiwi]

glad to see you on the other side

thanks for coming back and giving us an encouraging and positive update.

Thanks everyone! It’s still a work in progress but nowhere near as painful as immediately after termination.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone. You are so very strong.

If you're still around, OP, I'd love to hear an update.

Hope things are still going well.

[MoxieDoxie]

despite being obsessively attached and dependent on my therapist. Quitting was the most mentally destabilizing and destructive experience in my life - with a pain unmatched by even my traumatic childhood. Simply, it felt like death.

Jesus.......this is how I felt today when I thought I would not be able to see my T anymore. OMG what does that say? I am screwed.

[MoxieDoxie]

You should start an online group to help others "escape" therapy.

[here today]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

You should start an online group to help others "escape" therapy.

I'm not a therapy fan. I think it would have been great if somebody or some group could have helped me escape much sooner than I did.

But. . .haven't you said that you were doing much worse in terms of self-harm before you started seeing the current T?

So -- a trade off, maybe? I think therapists need some better ways to help people but currently, they don't. And for what it is worth, this forum has helped me a lot once the therapy did end.

[Xynesthesia2]

This forum helped me escape therapy as I was on here from the very beginning when I started therapy (under my previous account). Well, actually it was better than escape, more like prevention: it helped me to remain critical, to not buy into the superficial and (for me) useless parts of therapy, and to not get enmeshed. I am not generally prone to those things but reading PC played a big role in getting many different perspectives and it very easy as I did not need to learn from my own experience in overly painful ways.

[Anne2.0]

This forum has helped me understand how my therapy is different from those that seem problematic (sometimes to others; sometimes to me reading the reports). And it's helped me understand how I have benefitted from therapy and why I continue to do it. Clarity on both of these things is useful to me, and if I ever need to get away from my therapist or wonder if I should, I would post here for the varying perspectives that are often offered.

[SalingerEsme]

Thank you so much for sharing some inspirational narrative.

I am worried about therapy, the level of preoccupation and emotional psychic pain it evokes. I have never felt so much dependence on a relationship, and have had a pretty normal relationship history despite childhood trauma. However, therapy kind of blew the walls off some organization in my mind, and I really depend on my therapist almost to organize experience with me now.

I can't imagine the courage it took for you to quit, and I get why it felt like a death and worse than the original trauma. Congratulations on the self care and self discovery.

Originally Posted by Anonymous55908

Hi Everyone -

I took a bit of a break from these boards over the last few months as I’ve been recovering from a traumatic therapy relationship and termination.

I started this thread because I wanted to let everyone know that there is hope and a path to recovery after therapy trauma.

As some background, I quit an extremely damaging therapy relationship 8 months ago, despite being obsessively attached and dependent on my therapist. Quitting was the most mentally destabilizing and destructive experience in my life - with a pain unmatched by even my traumatic childhood. Simply, it felt like death.

I didn’t jump into another therapy relationship right away, but took time to figure out who I was, what went wrong and developed a solid picture of the type of person I wanted to become (strong, healthy, independent and stable). I realized how much of my ideal self bad therapy blocked and robbed from me. Every day after termination I worked hard to develop my own internal resources - at first, just by getting up each day and living my life without my therapist.

Over many more months, I started to truly take care of myself - be it getting more sleep, eating healthier, getting enough exercise, meeting people and figuring out what I liked to do and doing it. I did this every day, no matter how hard it felt. After 8 months, I still carry on with a very solid self-care routine because it helps me.

In the most current phase, I am actively getting Chinese acupuncture and EMDR to treat the therapy trauma. Both appear to be helping. Finding an EMDR therapist was the most challenging since it required re-entering the therapy world (which I had previously sworn off). However, I am realizing that there are many types of therapy and not all require being ‘good enough mothered’ and engaging in what I see to be potentially dangerous attachment work.

Anyway, my life right now feels normal - which I couldn’t have visualized when my world came crashing down after therapy ended. I still have emotional flashbacks and periods of intense grief, but I am hoping the trauma treatments I am engaging in will help diminish this last remaining painful part.

More than anything, I want to let anyone out there struggling post-termination know that you are not alone and that recovery is possible. Also, if you are in a dysfunctional therapy relationship please seek whatever help you can to get out. We all deserve better.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by here today

I'm not a therapy fan. I think it would have been great if somebody or some group could have helped me escape much sooner than I did.

But. . .haven't you said that you were doing much worse in terms of self-harm before you started seeing the current T?

So -- a trade off, maybe? I think therapists need some better ways to help people but currently, they don't. And for what it is worth, this forum has helped me a lot once the therapy did end.

Yes therapy has helped me with my dangerous coping behaviors but replaced it with something more insidious and it showed itself yesterday if you read my other post.

I do not know how to fix me. I am robbing peter to pay paul.....and that is how it feels lately.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Yes therapy has helped me with my dangerous coping behaviors but replaced it with something more insidious and it showed itself yesterday if you read my other post.

I do not know how to fix me. I am robbing peter to pay paul.....and that is how it feels lately.

You recognized pretty quickly what you were doing and were able to slow yourself down. That sounds like good work, awareness, and progress in the right direction. Give yourself credit where credit is due. That doesn't sound insidious at all.

I’m the OP - thank you for asking about me.

I’m actually doing quite well! I’m nearly a year out of therapy. I was doing EMDR and accupuncture for a few months as part of ‘therapy recovery’ but stopped because I didn’t feel it was worth my efforts or money. I think in the scheme of things, only time has helped.

I still think about therapy and my therapist a lot. Occasionally I go through periods of longing, particularly when I’m sick or struggling. I also have periods of anger - towards both therapy as an institution and about many of the things she said and did that felt destructive. I do my best to feel my feelings as they crop up, and let them go so I can move on.

I often look back on my many years of therapy with a lot of regret. I made therapy and my therapist the centerpiece of my life for a long time and realize how much living I wasn’t doing. I invested most of my emotional energy trying to get something from her that I was never meant to have. I thought the pain and suffering I went through in my relationship with her would eventually lead to healing, but I recognize it now as subtle (and often not so subtle) traumatization.

More than anything, I am happy to be free from the enmeshment and dependency of therapy. It’s wonderful not living session to session, obsessing over converrsational nuances, fretting about her vacation schedule, and desperately seeking her love and approval. I do miss the ‘highs’ of good sessions and the temporary feeling of being cared about - but freedom has been more valuable. At least with where I am at right now.

I wish everyone who is struggling in their relationships with their therapist hope and healing. Getting out might not be good for everyone but for me it was.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3

I’m the OP - thank you for asking about me.

I’m actually doing quite well! I’m nearly a year out of therapy. I was doing EMDR and accupuncture for a few months as part of ‘therapy recovery’ but stopped because I didn’t feel it was worth my efforts or money. I think in the scheme of things, only time has helped.

I still think about therapy and my therapist a lot. Occasionally I go through periods of longing, particularly when I’m sick or struggling. I also have periods of anger - towards both therapy as an institution and about many of the things she said and did that felt destructive. I do my best to feel my feelings as they crop up, and let them go so I can move on.

I often look back on my many years of therapy with a lot of regret. I made therapy and my therapist the centerpiece of my life for a long time and realize how much living I wasn’t doing. I invested most of my emotional energy trying to get something from her that I was never meant to have. I thought the pain and suffering I went through in my relationship with her would eventually lead to healing, but I recognize it now as subtle (and often not so subtle) traumatization.

More than anything, I am happy to be free from the enmeshment and dependency of therapy. It’s wonderful not living session to session, obsessing over converrsational nuances, fretting about her vacation schedule, and desperately seeking her love and approval. I do miss the ‘highs’ of good sessions and the temporary feeling of being cared about - but freedom has been more valuable. At least with where I am at right now.

I wish everyone who is struggling in their relationships with their therapist hope and healing. Getting out might not be good for everyone but for me it was.

Thanks for sharing this PurpleMirror,

My heart goes out to you. Do you think you would become as attached to a new therapist as you were to your former therapist? I mean, now that you have come to regret how much dependency there was?

I have been in similar situations. It is so painful.

You are not alone,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Thanks for sharing this PurpleMirror,

My heart goes out to you. Do you think you would become as attached to a new therapist as you were to your former therapist? I mean, now that you have come to regret how much dependency there was?

I have been in similar situations. It is so painful.

You are not alone,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I don’t think I would get as attached - at least not in the way I was before.

Part of what I gained out of this painful experience is recognizing signs of unhealthy attachment and keeping distance from people that this is likely to occur with in the future. Therapy helped uncover unmet needs, so at a minimum I can recognize my blind spots and protect myself from addictive relationships better going forward. I don’t hold the illusion anymore that anyone can fill what I never had in my childhood. I no longer subconsciously search for mothers and I try to be my own mother.

Other therapist-like people I have worked with since have been male (like EMDR therapist, acupuncturist, GP). There doesn’t seem to be that same propensity to try to get mothering care.

Thank you for the nice words!

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Thank you so much for sharing some inspirational narrative.

I am worried about therapy, the level of preoccupation and emotional psychic pain it evokes. I have never felt so much dependence on a relationship, and have had a pretty normal relationship history despite childhood trauma. However, therapy kind of blew the walls off some organization in my mind, and I really depend on my therapist almost to organize experience with me now.

I can't imagine the courage it took for you to quit, and I get why it felt like a death and worse than the original trauma. Congratulations on the self care and self discovery.

Thank you!!!

It wasn’t easy, but neither was staying.

I empathize with where you are at. I wish I could offer you words of comfort or advice, but can only offer my experience. Sadly there are no therapy instruction manuals when things turn painful and I’m not sure many therapists truly ‘get’ how excruciating being in this situation can be.

Wishing you the courage you need - whether it’s courage to keep moving forward with your therapist, or courage to make a change ❤️

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Yes therapy has helped me with my dangerous coping behaviors but replaced it with something more insidious and it showed itself yesterday if you read my other post.

I do not know how to fix me. I am robbing peter to pay paul.....and that is how it feels lately.

Moxie -

You are in a really tough situation. On one hand it sounds like you really need support. On the other, the support you need is also creating a torturous side effects. It makes leaving (which could be healthy in some cases) dangerous or too destabilizing to manage. Catch 22.

I’m not sure any advice I could give would make this easier, but these boards are certainly great for venting and connecting to others who understand how you feel. Hoping relief is close!

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3

I don’t think I would get as attached - at least not in the way I was before.

Part of what I gained out of this painful experience is recognizing signs of unhealthy attachment and keeping distance from people that this is likely to occur with in the future. Therapy helped uncover unmet needs, so at a minimum I can recognize my blind spots and protect myself from addictive relationships better going forward. I don’t hold the illusion anymore that anyone can fill what I never had in my childhood. I no longer subconsciously search for mothers and I try to be my own mother.

Other therapist-like people I have worked with since have been male (like EMDR therapist, acupuncturist, GP). There doesn’t seem to be that same propensity to try to get mothering care.

Thank you for the nice words!

PurpleMirrors,

What you have described is so similar to my own attachment issues. It is amazing how similar those of us with unmet needs in childhood can be!! I also desperately yearn for maternal figures and quickly attach to therapists who offer any kind of gentle kindness or nurturing. It is soooo painful but it is like a drug. I have worked through this in past therapeutic relationships but because I have had such negative experiences in therapy in the past 4 years - I am deterred from going there anymore in therapy.

I am currently experiencing maternal transference with my therapist (despite not having built trust yet). I have been upfront about it with her and luckily she has set major boundaries with me. It hurts a lot (because it can feel like rejection) but I recognize why she does it and have let her know that I am aware it is to protect me. The challenge is that I have extreme and repeated betrayal traumas in therapy - which further complicates the matter. I keep forgetting that attachment to a therapist does not equate to trust - it simply appears that way and makes us far more vulnerable to old abuse patterns if a therapist cannot carefully navigate the minefield for us and with us. (As well as navigate their own countertransference) My therapist has also identified my little part and how it wants to attach like a mother / son - and she (thankfully) has said she does not want to attach to the little part, but rather to the adult part. She said it is my job to learn to attach and look after my little part - which is sooo true!

I believe she may be the ethical one I have been looking for in this regard.

I am curious; when you begin to feel those attachment feelings towards someone - do you avoid it altogether now? Do you set boundaries so that you don't wind up attached and in pain? It is a new concept for me NOT to allow that yearning take hold of me - I have yet to set boundaries in therapy to avoid going there. In past therapy my therapists have welcomed it as a necessary part of treatment, but I wonder if maybe this time around (considering my past traumas in therapy and extreme potential for being harmed) that maybe the best course of action is to set boundaries for myself in order to protect myself.

Would you agree?

I love the way in which you speak about doing what is best for you. That is amazing and perhaps you can help me on this journey!

Have you felt better when you notice those attachment needs flare up and rather than being swallowed up by it - chose to disengage?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I’ll write more later but wanted to say that I absolutely disengage from the attachment patterns! Budfox described well the insanity of jumping from therapist to therapist to fix trauma layered upon trauma. I don’t see the point of opening old wounds when the person who is “helping” has very little hope of fixing the wound. Years of this dynamic felt a bit like being hungry and having to stare in a bakery window all day.

For me, I became tired of the powerlessness, longing, and vulnerability. I saw years of my life drifting away, consumed with therapy drama. I was tired of feeling pathetic, needy, ill, shamed, and degraded. Tired of the one sided relationship and tired of unreciprocated love.

One day I just snapped and said ENOUGH and decided I was never, ever going to allow myself to be in this position again. So I started my quest to self-heal and build myself up. It hasn’t been perfect but anything, ANYTHING was better than what I was getting out of. I had sold my self respect for the illusion of being loved. Never again.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3

I’ll write more later but wanted to say that I absolutely disengage from the attachment patterns! Budfox described well the insanity of jumping from therapist to therapist to fix trauma layered upon trauma. I don’t see the point of opening old wounds when the person who is “helping” has very little hope of fixing the wound. Years of this dynamic felt a bit like being hungry and having to stare in a bakery window all day.

For me, I became tired of the powerlessness, longing, and vulnerability. I saw years of my life drifting away, consumed with therapy drama. I was tired of feeling pathetic, needy, ill, shamed, and degraded. Tired of the one sided relationship and tired of unreciprocated love.

One day I just snapped and said ENOUGH and decided I was never, ever going to allow myself to be in this position again. So I started my quest to self-heal and build myself up. It hasn’t been perfect but anything, ANYTHING was better than what I was getting out of. I had sold my self respect for the illusion of being loved. Never again.

Thanks for this!

The Bold is how I felt when my therapists betrayed me! I was ready to NEVER speak to another human being again - that is the potential damage that can occur when therapy becomes dangerous. I agree about the unreciprocated love and being sooo vulnerable, add to this the inherent power imbalance in therapy and the fact that THEY have all the power in the relationship.

thanks,
HD7970ghz

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Thanks for this!

The Bold is how I felt when my therapists betrayed me! I was ready to NEVER speak to another human being again - that is the potential damage that can occur when therapy becomes dangerous. I agree about the unreciprocated love and being sooo vulnerable, add to this the inherent power imbalance in therapy and the fact that THEY have all the power in the relationship.

thanks,
HD7970ghz

The thing to recognize is that it’s a choice to engage in these dynamics. We can’t help how we feel and respond to individuals that fit this criteria, but we can choose to remove ourselves from situations that are harmful and from people that don’t make us feel good about ourselves.

I hope your newest therapist can help! It sounds like she is better than the others you have dealt with. Please keep posting!

[SalingerEsme]

The power in this inspires me; you dug down deep and found agency within yourself ( locus of control?).

The unrequited everythings: unrequited secret-telling, unrequited high gamble on the other person, unrequited longing. It is a very humbling experience.

In reading the theories, like Jessica Benjamin, I totally get for the best of them, therapy is a sacred play-space where both client and therapist understand that this is all "as if". A laboratory, a sandbox, a play in a theater: we act as if we love each other, we act as if T is the dad and client is a child again.

A problem occurs when the T is playing the "as if" game and the client is all in for real, having not gotten the emotional memo.

That is me right now. My T says lovely things to me, so tender . I think he means them inside the hour and inside the office.

He simply understands the rules of the game, which I do not. I take his words away and live with them in my mind without the "as if", without the" he said that as a playful way of getting me to wonder - hmmm what would it be like to be loved in this way". It is really difficult to be the client, too difficult for me with already confusion about the basic nature of attachment created through csa.

This is where therapy gets dicey. I have a good social skills facade, but underneath I am anguished and maxed out by my T telling me our connection is exquisite or he will be right by my side through thick and thin or such things, and not meaning them yet meaning them, enjoying paradox, playing with this, and ultimately shutting off the game after 45 minutes like Lucy taking the football away from Charlie Brown, day after day , session after session.

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3

I’ll write more later but wanted to say that I absolutely disengage from the attachment patterns! Budfox described well the insanity of jumping from therapist to therapist to fix trauma layered upon trauma. I don’t see the point of opening old wounds when the person who is “helping” has very little hope of fixing the wound. Years of this dynamic felt a bit like being hungry and having to stare in a bakery window all day.

For me, I became tired of the powerlessness, longing, and vulnerability. I saw years of my life drifting away, consumed with therapy drama. I was tired of feeling pathetic, needy, ill, shamed, and degraded. Tired of the one sided relationship and tired of unreciprocated love.

One day I just snapped and said ENOUGH and decided I was never, ever going to allow myself to be in this position again. So I started my quest to self-heal and build myself up. It hasn’t been perfect but anything, ANYTHING was better than what I was getting out of. I had sold my self respect for the illusion of being loved. Never again.